HOW TO BECOME A FOOD BULLY

Well… well… well… there you are my dead hungry, famished but still beautiful scholars of mine. Today is Thursday and I woke up with a hush puppy look… three not two bluish eye-bags hang droopily below my beautiful eyes. I didn’t sleep well last night as I was awakened by a loud hiss as if the earth farted. At 12:32 in the midnight the pipe on the other room’s bathroom exploded…

I don’t know what happened as I am busy having sex with Johnny Depp in my dreams before everything was ruined with that loud hiss. Agitated and still horny, I put on a pink flimsy nightgown and went to the other room’s bathroom to find the tubular thingy that is stuck to the water heater and the wall is spraying water. It feels like I’m Kate Winslet in Titanic. Instinctually I climb the maroon colored bathtub and level myself on the ledge to reach the broken tubular thing, I then started to fix it only to make it worse as the spray turns into a waterfall, instantly filling the bathtub below and wetting my aging horniness.

I watched in horror as the water overflows from the bathtub, I sat on the toilet bowl for a while watching the waterfall fills the tub, I tried to open the drainage but it don’t budge. There’s nothing I can do so I ran to my room and call on Mr. Trey my landlord, of course he didn’t answer. I went back to the toilet and watch helplessly at the pool of water. The sound of the falling water makes me catatonic, zombie like I started to shed my clothing and reach for the shower cream, I lit a Malboro and dip myself in the oh so cool water… I finished the cigarette watching the water falls on me. God… talking about a midnight bath. I sat on the bathtub for an hour feeling like a drama queen in a B movie, I throw the butt at the garbage bin and in a quick glance I saw the valve that would turn off half of the apartment’s water supply. With a major twist and turn of the valve I finally stop the apartment from sinking. Sigh me what a night.

Of course I went to the office late. I did my office morning ritual as usual, I get to make coffee and chat for a while with my officemates. You see, the funny thing about coexisting within any organization or office, people tend to form group which they unknowingly created. It must be because of same affinity to things. This is very evident with pinoy expats, I’m lucky as all my pinoy officemates here in Phnom Penh are very warm much the same with other pinoys outside. We sometimes have our moment but in the end the loyalty is always there which everyone are hoping so. But I’m generalizing here, I didn’t mention the others that I hate.

Well anyway homosexuals… Every morning in Riverorchid, the Filipino mafia* always asked each other what is your lunch? Did you cooked for lunch and what kind of food did you cook? And then during lunchtime we always brag of our food as we share amongst us. Then we compare who have the best food ever for the day… And judge or ask how to cook it. Among the categories we have collected so far includes “Best in tomato sauce” which refers to food that requires tomato enzyme, like Menudo, Afritada, or Kaldereta and I’m the reigning queen in that category but lately Mr. Magno is getting good, I’m threatened. “Best in Soy Sauce” is dominated by Ms. Frida as she is very good in her Adobos from chicken to pork, not to forget her Mushroom Pork in Hoysen sauce… But watch out for me because I’m second in that category for my Adobong Pusit. “Best in Fried thingy” like chicken, fish and everything you can fry is leaded by Mr. Magno and his rookie is Miss Grace because she’s good in fried rice. “Best in Boiling things” is Miss Earth as she is very good in her “Bulalo” which is oozing with bone-marrowness... Miss Earth is also reigning as “Best in Miscellaneous” for her “Ensaladas” and “Buttered gulays”. And lastly in the dessert category It’s Miss Deborah’s domain as she’s the only one who pack lunch with dessert, Her “Leche flan glazed with goya chocolate” is perfect and his “Maja Blanca” reminds me of fiesta… Again watch out for me as I’m good with “Biko”.

So far we only have one judge, Miss Arwen, with her impeccable taste and non-baised critic everyone is excited for the culmination on December before everyone goes for holiday. Well… well… well… but that is not our topic for today. Our topic for today is about food bullies in which I am one. Food Bully is the term I call to people who are always dead hungry (patay gutom) and always ask food from other people in the office.

Okay people from the back get your notebooks and copy everything from the board.

How to become a food bully

Ask everyone what they’ve got… In the morning when I go to the office I go around and ask everyone what food they have and make note of who are they and what’s on their snack bin. Lucky for me the locals like food so much just like pinoys.

Be aware of the time… by 10:00 am and 4:00 pm that’s the time when people start to go the backdoor and open their snacks. So better prepare yourself and ask food from everyone, like ‘Oh, you have a good thing there, I’ve never eaten that kind of food in my entire life, How does it taste? That line works for me… they gladly give it to me or at least had a bite.

Be on the lookout… sometimes there are unknown forces and surprise free meals like free pizza or mangos (locals love mango so much all year round). So be aware of that it doesn’t happen all the time. I know one person who is very good on these… he can smell a mango from the other room even if it’s locked.

Lastly share what you have… you see it’s a diplomacy thing, you should give back in return, and that is what it’s all about… it’s the true essence of sharing. It’s not about take and take you should also give and give…

Okay that’s it for today my pupils… I didn’t have the time to upload this entry last Friday since I’m on a shooting the whole day and until midnight. Then Michael Jackson died and I have to meditate, singing his song “Gone too soon”. Sigh poor Michael we never had the chance to have tea… May the king rest in peace. Okay pray… pray… pray…

*Filipino Mafia the term we jokingly refer to us pinoy expats here in Phnom Penh. This is because we are seven Filipino in Riverorchid not to mention the other pinoy expats in various branches of Riverorchid in Indochina.