Miss Bubbles M. Cojuangco's practical guide to social-climbing 101

HOW TO STRIKE A POSE

2009-09-15T23:30:00.000-07:00

Well… well… well… there you are my beautiful, pretty, gregarious, loving and cute pupils of mine I hope you still remember me… well welcome back to me. My apologies little devels, I been away for a while to find myself in the desert but I didn’t found it, instead I found L-O-V-E... Gush I’m blushing. But that’s not our topic for today we’ll just talk about that sometimes in the future. Anyway how’s my darling pupils. I miss everyone and I’m hoping you missed me too… I gain weight like 35 grams hmmmm correction not kilo.

The past month had been so awful for me, I am ambidextrous (yeah I made the spelling right… whatever!) for weeks working like hell; even my Saturdays and Sundays were consummated by the office that feeds me, aside the fact that I needed to constantly check on my facebook for reasons I don’t know…(Must be the gossips.) For a month I made like 25 storyboards and photoboards for different clients and to please our new award winning creative director who I think is very good and nice but kinda crazy with his perfectionism… come hell or high water my world is changing... changing… and changing… I barely have time to write in this famous blog of mine. I like my new boss and hate his extremeness. I can see myself in him when I’m going old.

Some months really last longer than others, this month might be the same. I miss writing my craziness in this crazy world. I like to work hard and I like hard work but I felt trapped lately in a pattern of busyness. Even my horoscope ask me if I’m happy with what I’m doing, it even ask me if I still feel a thing? Huh… how daring that thing told me as if it’s my conscience. Lately I’ve been talking to God and he told me to LISTEN… its’ his turn to say something to me… He said that I always complain and ask him a lot of things but don’t bother to listen to him… and wondered what’s he’s going to say to me anyway… well anyway I remain silent in hope that I might hear him when I take my ride to the office. In short, I’ve been behave recently except for some occasional outburst when the people in the office gather and harvest their farms in facebook, it’s making the internet traffic slow and I cannot download pictures I needed for a design I’m making. I go around and make yawyaw all over the office about that online farming where they wasted their time instead of doing it in real life, which by the way makes me excited the fact that I’m almost finished paying the land that I’m installing… I can’t wait to have my real Farmville. Well… the boss heard my plea and passed an announcement around the office to stop doing that online game…. And they stopped; for a day I guess.

Anyways, Miss Frida is like an alarm clock ticking for the past week, He’s going for a month long vacation to our beloved Philippines. I’m happy for him I hope he’s happy for me too. The Filipino mafia decided to throw him a send off thing. So we perfectly planned an al fresco breakfast at “Open Wine” behind the Royal Palace last Saturday in which I came late. The Saturday that was, is ultra beautiful as in fucking beautiful. We started the day with so much bread. The bagel is good it’s not hard as it used to be and the toasted white bread is perfect with the strawberry jam that looks like “bagoong” but tasted like heaven (I always love strawberry jam next to peanut butter). Then comes the egg omelet and the bacon which is kinda good but I always love the processed bacon it’s tastier because of the thing we called monosodium glutamate or “vetsiness”. The coffee is very strong and bitter… I think it’s the blackest coffee there is in the whole wide world ever, it took me 6 sugar cubes to make it sweet. Then comes the big hornet that hovers on our breakfast and I advised everyone not to panicked and just be still. True enough the hornet hovers over Miss Grace’s plate and picks up a crumb of egg omelet and fly away and come back for more when we paid our bills. Honestly the breakfast is not that perfect but of course it was fun. Maybe it’s 5 out of 10 in my score board.

Then we went to Mother Helen to buy our usual weekend market, I don’t remember but I think a bought a lot of stuff. Its good thing Mr. Kino was there he brought the stuff home for me… what a sweet man he is… sigh. Miss Earth, Miss Deborah and me accompanied Miss Frida to the Russian Market to buy stuff he needed to bring for his friends and family back home. Thanks god for Russian market, we went to a scarve’s shop and shopped to death virtually everything. The scarves are beautiful, different colors, textures and colors… colors… colors… everything is so beautiful… so gay... I love it… and the bags yeah… the bags. All the beautiful stuffs made Miss Frida’s wallet green. Then we moved to another stall where they sell statues and bust of Buddha and stuffs. Surprisingly Miss Earth suddenly decided to buy a medium sized Buddha which is quite heavy and two busts as an early Christmas gift she planned to give to someone.

It took us almost an hour just by that area before we decided to take a juice break at Cambodia’s best orange juice ever. Amazingly it’s real, the juice is very good. Then we continued the shopping as Miss Frida proceeded to buy stuff for men but I declined to choose for him as I might buy stuff that I would regret later on… in short I don’t have cash. Instead I went to the sunglasses area with Miss Deborah and I bought two fabulous sunglasses to appease my insatiable cravings for beautiful things. I have a very butch Nike copper slit dragonfly sunglasses and a cheap pink tinted glass with black frame sunglasses which I planned wearing to annoy everyone in the office. Miss Deborah also bought some and a pair of pants I think and that’s it we went home to rest for the big night coming that evening.

I went home and slept for an hour after I chatted with Mr. Kino. I woke up like 3:30 pm and decided to make a spring roll… I’m not that very energetic you know, don’t you think? So I chopped and cooked and wrapped everything in pastry wrapper to make a spring roll but I get tired suddenly knowing that I should be in my best form for the big night that’s ticking in 2 hours. Luckily the sweet Mr. Kino helped me; in the beginning he does not know how to wrap a spring roll. The first one he made is fucking ugly it looks very different from my nicely wrapped rolls. Like a scene from a movie I taught him how to wrap the spring rolls which astonishingly he learned fast. So I leave him there as I planned what to wear for the night… and I found my all-time favorite grey skimpy shorts and a black v-cut t-shirt with three decorative searchlight buttons. And that’s it --- one more cigarette and I’m off to the bathroom. I smell like spring rolls.

I was on my way to take a shower when my mobile phone vibrated before it alarms notifying me of an incoming message. “See you at Parkway third floor 8:00 pm and don’t forget to bring socks.” It was from Miss Frida. It took me an hour preparing as I donned myself in that 80’s garb reminiscent of Jaworski’s short shorts era. I brought with me my classic jeans tote bag to put on my socks and a boxful of freshly cooked spring rolls that Mr. Kino sweetly packed for me and off I go. I arrived at Parkway exactly 8:00 pm and hopped into the lift and pushed on the third floor button only to find that the third floor of the building is offices and there was an old guard who look at me strangely, afraid I went back to the elevator and pushed the button to ground floor and went to the back area of the building and found the stairs and climb till the third floor--- there I found the big entrance of “Bowling Alley”. Yeheey were going bowling.

Everyone is there and we played the night away till 11:00 in the evening. It was fucking hilarious and fun as in F-U-N fun. I love it. I made three strikes and scored high on the first game, of course it’s all about me. I remember my days on The Library Foundation when all the homosexuals strutted their stuff on the bowling alley and strike a pose every time one makes a strike or something. Bowling is Fun. Miss Frida plays good and posed perfectly as well. Miss Earth is also good but didn’t make much because her nails are freshly manicured. Mr. Magno is very good and trying hard. Miss Grace always followed the arrows and manages to hit a couple of strikes. Miss Arwen is so fragile like a rabbit and of course Miss Deborah is perfect with his split every time he makes a hit. The night went too fast when everyone is having fun and that’s how we ended our Saturday happily.

And with that my beautiful pupils I’m going to teach you how to bowl and strike a pose.
Okay butchers (pa-men na badette) and macho gays at the back get your pen and paper and copy everything from the board.

How to strike a pose

Of course, before you can do that one has to have a ball - a bowling ball and a bowling alley. Also you need powder to help you keep a ball and of course a pair of beautiful bowling shoes with socks.

Observe… of course you don’t want to look like a first timer, nobody likes a virgin nowadays. When you sit by the bowling alley observe the other bowlers as they do their thing and don’t get nervous or intimidated if they play well, they all started with shit as well.

Notice… Now notice where the balls come out, that’s where you get the balls. Then look at the center that’s where you pose and throw the ball but don’t cross on the line that leads to the alley it’s the “foul line”, if you cross that line you won’t get points. Now notice that arrow like thing or sometimes it’s a round dark markings on the floor in the alleyway, that’s where you supposedly aim the ball when you need to hit some sparse pins. Now look further and you will see your aim --- the white standing pins that look like white penguins.

Choose… Choose or pick up the ball according to the weight you can carry. 14 lbs is the weight for beginners which everyone can carry well. Then as you progress you can pick the heavier ones like the 15 lbs to 16 lbs… No not that balls faggots at the back. There are three holes in the ball now figure out how to put your fingers. Its basic you know dummies.

Compose… Okay here’s the part I love, Compose yourself and try to be calm, don’t mind the people looking at you. Just be calm and take a deep breath as you hold that ball… like you know “when you hold the real thing”… Try making it three deep breaths, relax and concentrate. And never ever let the ball fall on your feet… there’s a thing we called injury… ouch.

Step… now take your first step. Use your left foot when you first step towards the alley, even if you are left handed or right handed always start using your left foot. Starting with the right foot has high probability to throw you off balance. I’m sure that faggots at the back know how to do it even in stiletto.

Let Go… Now as you continue to go forward, try to keep your shoulders parallel to the foul line. Swing the ball back and then forward perpendicular to the foul line and let go – release the ball. Look!!! You missed it… the ball is traversing the canal… that’s okay you’re just a beginner anyway.

Pose… No matter what, just try to make the most beautiful pose you can possibly do and make anyway in the end it’s all about F-U-N fun.

Now that you just let go of the first ball, don’t be angry if the ball drops in the canal chances are you’re never going to get a good amount of pins the next time you throw the ball if you are agitated. Practice is the answer to that; it takes four months of practice to make your strikes perfect and your poses are ultra perfect by then.

Okay that’s it my little devels… Now go and get your most fabulous shoes ever and strike a pose.

God teaching is such a noble work and I’m ultra fucking beautiful sigh.

HOW TO FACE THE BOOK

2009-07-30T01:12:00.000-07:00

Well… well… well… there you are my beautiful and sweet pupils of mine. Well… I know you miss me… and I miss everyone also. I was away for a while because I was sad that I killed Miguelita. huhuhuhu...

Well as what they say any idiot can play Greek for a day and make a blog and write about his tragedy and articulate all his pain and thought he’ll get paid one day… well I tell you darlings it’s a sin if success complains and your writer’s block don’t mean a shit, just throw everything at the wall and let’s see what sticks. I’m not a writer or a trying hard, eager beaver sophomore but an eloquent and passionate person who writes my thoughts no matter if people don’t understand me… and I don’t care. As a talkative person writing my stories in word form makes me understand why writers are like that… yeah you know… moody or temperamental, I understand them now. It’s painful to kill a character you built up and learn to love. And one more thing, I learned the more you make a story complicated the more it’s difficult to end… but nevertheless I learned something and promised to make my stories much shorter but precise and that I wonder how to do it. Well anyway…

Today I wake up wondering if I just get marry a Japanese. I missed my boyfriend so much… It’s our eight year anniversary today… you see long distance love affair only works for a short time but if you’re counting in years its different… that is why we agreed to be in an open relationship… but I don’t care what you think for us sex is just sex… we been together for long a time that we’ve reach to that level when you longed to be individual again. What is that song by “Noel Cabangon” were he is singing about a crossroad… well I forget again but that exactly what it feels like… no not the “Pana-panahon” thing.

I remember how an ex-friend once tried to ruin that relationship by sending emails to him telling him what I’ve done here in the lonely Kingdom of Cambodia; How I picked up men and pay them with shoes or slippers… and how he buy me a man for a night… He even came to great lengths of printing everything and let everyone read about me and my boyfriend’s bedroom secret. How I smoked jutes like hell and a lot of stuff. Let alone reading it to everyone he knows. Of course I learned all about this from my boyfriend who forwarded all his emails to me and from common friends that have cut ties with that ex-friend. Gush talking about “The Atonement”… I felt like Kiera Knightly or more you say Cate Blanchet in “Notes to a Scandal”.

There was a moment that I sent an apology letter to that ex-friend of mine which of course he never replied. A reply came back years later only to warn me about “another friend that broken ties with him” which of course is not a surprise. I guess I’m growing older now so I kept that letter and let it read to that “friend who cut ties with that ex-friend”. Much as I want to forget everything and move on, that letter reminds me of how I’ve been wronged… so I decided to burn it, forgive myself and leave everything in the past now… Everything is so Highschool… forget… forget… forget…

Yeah… don’t ask me how he got to know my password blame it on my forgetfulness or more you say “Doriness” --- Ellen’s character in “Finding Nemo” because as much as he claims that I forgot to log-out from his computer, I remember now because I give my password to him. But still that doesn’t give him authority to open my emails because I never did that to him…

Since I moved out from my exfriend’s house three years ago I went to focus on work, no one ever heard what’s going on with me for a whole year… not a word was spoken. And people thought I already left for home. Not even in the internet as I’ve closed all my net accounts… this explains why I closed my “friendster” account, closed my account in hi5 and never bother to open “facebook” or “tagged” for fear that something bad might happened to them. As I was so traumatized when I found out that the “other friend who cut ties with the ex-friend” friendster account was hacked and all of his pictures were gone and replaced by a naked picture of a Korean man. Of course we don’t know who made it to him. Luckily that friend of mine doesn’t care about it and moves on... that happened a year ago. I’m afraid to tell all of you that I’m not afraid anymore… I’m numb already and now I decided to open a “facebook” for the first time since time immoral or whatever… you know what I mean I just don’t know the spelling.

In reality all my friends called me a hypocrite when I vowed to myself not to have “facebook” since my face is everywhere anyway in that social networking world, I admit it is true as I’m always been honest with myself which sometimes made me make selfish decisions. Since that experience from the ex-friend of “invading one’s privacy”--- I decided to shut my social networking and just go for blogging the only means I can think of to connect with my old friends. But receiving an email from facebook everyday and looking at my old friends knocking on me as if begging me to open an account I finally give in.

And yeah facebook is addicting… knowing me, knowing you… addict. Since I replied to one of my bestest friend ever “Elnoring” in facebook everyone from my past and present flooded my yahoo mail. From old enemies to old friends to new enemies to new friends, it is like I’m going to die the next day because everyone is there. And that’s it… It changed my working pattern and my blogging pattern. But I know this is just a passing thing since I’m new to facebook but once I pass that boredom stage… My life would be normal again.

Okay gaylits from the back… listen… I know you all have facebook already so don’t bother to listen to me… it’s okay I’m kind’a generous today… okay here we go get your pen and copy everything from the board.

How to face the book

Step1… Click on the link to that whoever invited you in your e-mail to be on facebook.

Step 2… When inside the network facebook will guide you accordingly on how to do it and what to do.

Step 3… There you go easily… Now you get to put on your profile and every chu-chu you want to say about yourself.

Step 4… Because its facebook… put on your bestest picture you ever had. It’s like Vanity Fair… and forgive me I’m beautiful and so are my pictures.

Step 5… Now the network will ask you if want to add or search for friends --- then do that. As for me since I’m quite popular everyone wants to be invited even my unfriends. Actually this is the best part because you have the power to ignore… literally the people you don’t like.

Step 6… Now the network will ask you about your thoughts… feelings or emotions then put it… As for me as I’m always sweetly honest, I put on everything I felt even the condition of my coffee maker and my hormonal patterns… everything… and I’m surprised people actually reacted to my thoughts like consciences… strange but fun… I love it.

Step 7… You can also put on some links if you want, as I’m new I’m still at the level of welcoming all the friends that want to be added… taray di ba.

Step 8… There are gangsters, hilly billies from the Farmville and sometimes lost cows.
It’s up to you if you want to join them. But because I’m new I did’nt get involve yet.

Step 9… Put this email address in the search engine on facebook ---

sibinandez@yahoo.com and I will add you but that depends of who you are…

Step 10… Enjoy…

There you are my little angels… mwahhh… mwahhh… mwahhhh…

THE LEGEND OF THE COFFEE MAKER part 6

2009-07-21T00:52:00.000-07:00

How to tell a story series

The vodka though strong is sweet and heady like Miguelita’s loneliness. Matt poured more of the vodka and add tonic to Miguelita’s glass. The conversation becomes more bold and dangerous… Miguelita not his usual self become more loquacious and Matt more loudly. Something with alcohol really makes people feel good about themselves or at least makes you forget for a brief moment the loneliness of living.

Hahahahaha… How could you be so mean going around and breaking everyone’s heart you dirty young man… Miguelita replied loudly to Matt who looks proud and red with the alcohol.

Well… what can I do… I’m blessed with 3G … He replied as he puts on his hand under his chin and stared longingly at Miguelita.

What’s 3G? Miguelita asked the young nurse as he sips on the bluish mixture of alcohol.

Oh it’s God’s Given Gift… Matt replied and sucks in his breath to make his chest bigger.

Hahahahahahahaha… The drunk and flirty --- Miguelita laugh.

IF LOVE IS BLIND… I’D FIND MY WAY WITH YOU… CAUSE I CAN’T SEE MYSELF… NOW I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU… Nene tries to mimic Tifanny on the karaoke and declared to his audience that he don’t like finishing it. And he wondered why the people left… He glances around to see the guest saying goodbyes to Boyet. Then he looks on to his list of songs he reserved on the “Magic Sing”.

Goodbye and thank you Nene… It’s a wonderful night though we love to sing too… but it’s your 30th song and we are bored… goodbye… Nene’s unknown bitch friend sarcastically say goodbye to him.

The loud coffee shop a while ago is now quite, except for some smirk, and occasional laugh from the dark corners for dark deeds. The gamblers are on their last league of their bets… the alcohols are consumed, the food feasted and vomited already by the guest. After that brief moment of revelry the coffee shop once again become silent watching the remaining guest, Matt and Miguelita in the corner with another bottle of vodka. Nene is laughing beside Boyet like a guest relation officer. Silent as it seems the coffee shop is the only witness to everything that happened to the resident gays and their lonely existence. The birthday party is successful.

The morning sun glares at the side mirror of Cirilo’s car. He put on his sun glasses and continues to drive, He’s been driving for hours now since he left the city early in the morning. It would be another more hour to reach the town. He pushed the button on the car’s player and “Secret Garden” by Bruce Springsteen played. He glances at the bouquet of roses and a box in a pink wrapper with gold ribbons, beside the teddy bear his son left on his car. A smile escapes from his lips as he remembers the hot red thong he bought for himself to surprise Miguelita. Guiltily he tried to erase from his mind how he misses their past anniversaries.

“You’ve gone a million miles… how far’d you get… to that place you can’t remember…
And you can’t forget”… Bruce Springteen’s sadly continues his song on the car’s player.

The familiar spike of the town’s chapel can be seen now as Cirilo swiftly swerve a curve that would leads to the sleepy town. He parks his car in front of the coffee shop. He dislodges his baggage from the car and quickly snatches the flowers and the gift and wonders why the coffee shop is still closed. It’s already 10 in the morning and the chaos of last night’s affair was still unattended. He didn’t mind it as he opens the gate that leads to Migulita’s house at the back of the coffee shop.

The house is quite as he creeps at the back of the house. Strangely Miguelita is still sleeping which he is not usually because he always wakes up early. He quietly opens the back door and put his bag and stuffs by the kitchen’s table. He washes his hand and looks himself at the mirror then he opens the bag and gets a small black box, he then opens the box and smiles at the glittery red sequenced thong and a red bow tie. Then he shed his clothing off and he slaps his ligamental manhood to make it a little bit erect before he puts on the skimpy outfit and muffled a laugh a he watch himself at the mirror by the kitchen. He adjusted the red bow tie and casually brushes his hair by his hand. He reached for the bouquet and the pink box then he practices his pose in presenting himself to his gay lover.

He creeps quietly on the bedroom and open the door slightly enough for him to see Miguelita’s face sleeping like beauty in the fairy tales. Cirilo smiles as he proceeds to open the door completely… THADA!!!

He drops the flower and the box with a loud thud…

Sleeping and embracing on Miguelita’s thigh is a man he doesn’t know…

The colors of the morning suddenly change as if dark clouds are covering the sun… Cirilo’s face becomes red; red like the thong he’s wearing. Miguelita hearing the thud of the box wakes up. As if torched by fire all the alcohol in his body evaporated and he sprang from his deep slumber and looks at Cirilo. No words come out from his mouth he pushes Matt with his feet that topples the young nurse out of bed. Cirilo ran to the young nurse who still groggy from alcohol and punched him hard again and again. Miguelita covers his eyes as he cried.

Like a long tracking shot in muted silence… the scene that follows includes a boxing match of Cirilo and Matt… of course Matt fled in defeat. Miguelita in the corner begging forgiveness from the man he adores. Cirilo who cannot afford to hurt Miguelita pack his bag and put in his clothing. He went out as Miguelita sobbing for forgiveness like a child who just lost his mother. He clutches to Cirilo’s legs and hold on to it like the earth is opening to gobble him up. Cirilo firm but defeated continued to walk and slams the door to prevent Miguelita from following him, he walks faster in the driveway. Miguelita covered in bed sheet ran after him. Cirilo slams the car and drive … Miguelita continues to run crying. Cirilo drives… tears is building on his eyes as he see Miguelita running after him on the rear view mirror but still he continues to drive… Miguelita finally cannot catch up with the car and he falls on his knees and cried forgetting that he’s naked. Like the world has stop and the wind makes everything in slow motion.... Miguelita cried and cried… oblivious to the people that look at him like watching a soap opera… they laughed and grinned.

From a not so distant in the highway’s corner Cirilo stops the car and finally he cried.

Months passed…

Hey friend… here you drink this soup it’s good for you… Nene asked Miguelita lovingly to eat.

Miguelita with bulging dark eyes stared at Nene and blankly tears falls down. His eyes are like a dying ember, not a glow of his previous happiness is gone. Like a lonesome vanquished queen our heroine stares blankly to Nene. There were no words to say. No explanation needed. No comforting gesture can ease the emptiness. He is very exhausted. His journey finally ends. The passion is finally consummated. He doesn’t feel like living anymore. Selfish as it seems friends cannot help us when we lose something so dearly to us. Miguelita with knowing abandon knows that it’s the end. He continued to stare at Nene as tears flow out of his eyes. The house itself and the coffee shop suddenly became drab as if life is drained out of it. The pigments crack and lose its brilliance knowing that their owner has losing its will to live.

It was the morning of Friday when Nene and Boyet visits Miguelita’s house. He’s so worried now it’s been six months that Miguelita didn’t work and never went out. He already called to Cirilo a lot of times, he even wrote letters but all in vain. He knows that there’s nothing he could do about it. So he and Boyet went to Miguelita’s house to check on him. The house is dirty; the once lively house is dead. The spirit of the house is tired. They went to Miguelita’s bedroom; it is dark. All the curtains and windows are closed except the bathroom’s door where a split of light comes out. Dust seeps trough the light making strange swirls in the air. Nene called on to Miguelita thinking his in the bathroom. Boyet proceeded to open the curtains and the windows; a draft of strong wind suddenly blows hard as if a giant is exhaling when Boyet opens the windows. The sunlight brightens Miguelita’s room. Nene hurried to the bathroom and found no one but a spider busy making her web by the bathroom’s small window. He went out again and looks at Boyet who was staring at Miguelita’s bed. Nene looks at the bed. The bed looks wet as if a gallon of slimy glue is splashed on it and the middle of it is a strange device that they never saw before. (Of course it’s a coffee maker) On the device is a note in Miguelita’s hand writing. Nene picks it up and tears fall on his left check.

No one knows where Miguelita went. He just disappears as if the house eats him. They asked a lot of people but the people didn’t bother. Only Nene and Boyet remember Miguelita whom they made a small mound as symbol of his disappearance.

Sunday late morning at Franco’s residence a knock echoed through the hallway. The wife shouted to the husband. Hon… Hon… Hon… please the door… I’m cooking. In the living room Cirilo bends and stand up as he touches his young sons head to excuse himself putting the tower on the black tile on the chess board. They were playing chess two against one.

Coming… Cirilo shouts to who it might be by the doorway.

He opens the door. Nene and Boyet are standing there with poker face. Nene is holding a box and gives the box to Cirilo. Cirilo smiles to the couple… though he wants to invite the two inside; Nene just smirked at him, takes the hand of Boyet and they go away. Cirilo looks at them quizzically… then he looks at the box. There was a small note… “from Miguelita.” He looks at his back if his wife is somewhere, knowing that she’s busy He hurriedly went upstairs to his study room and opens the box quickly. There he found the coffee maker and the note. He reads the note and sobs…

Hey dad… why are you crying? His son asked him.

Surprised he instantly suppressed his sobs and pretended that a dust caught in his eyes and he stands up put the note on the box carefully and urges the kids to come with him and they will continue playing.

The note reads'...

I love you...

I will always be your coffee maker...

forever....

THE LEGEND OF THE COFFEE MAKER part 5

2009-07-20T02:54:00.000-07:00

How to tell a story series

Wahhhhhhh…. Wahhhhhhh…. Wahhhhhhh… Wails Nene as he continues to sip his coffee and occasionally wipe his bulging eyes that are shedding tears for hours now.

For the millionth times Ramonito… tell me what’s wrong with you… Miguelita calls Nene by his real name as he produces more paper tissue which he gives to the wailing homosexual.

Wahhhhhhh… Wahhhhhhhh… Wahhhhhhh… huhuhuhuhu… Continues the anguished, Nene.

Okay, I give up… up to you… I will close the coffee shop now… it’s getting late…. Miguelita bends to stand up gesturing to leave his best friend who smells like gin.

Matt… wahhhhhh… Matttttt… huhuhuhuhu… he basted me… I thought he likes me… he even showers me with chocolates and flowers, he even picks me up at my shop… He even calls me during the night asking me how to cook “Binagoong pork”and many stuff about you and Cirilo… huhuhuhu… I hate Matt… you just don’t know how I made lots of nurse uniform for him for free, it cost me a lot… huhuhuhu… Even his new white shoes I bought it for him… The sad Nene complained about Matt the young nurse.

Miguelita went back to his chair and put his arms at which Nene shakes it off from his shoulder…. And continues to wail….

Wahhhhhhhh… and you… I hate you too…. Wahhhhhhh…. Nene accuses Miguelita.

And what about me… what did I do? Miguelita asked the wailing best friend.

Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhh… He likes you more than me, why? I’m also beautiful right…. Why he likes you…. huhuhuhu… Now I know why he befriended me… he wants to be closer to you… huhuhu… why are you beautiful? huhuhu… Nene sobs like a baby.

Miguelita kindly embraces his best friend and explained… Okay… hush darling, it’s not my fault that he likes me… yeah you’re right I’m beautiful but I don’t like him. He’s way too young for my taste and besides I love Cirilo more than anyone else in the world… Hush now… you’ll be okay… okay… Give me a smile… friend… Miguelita hushed the sobbing homosexual.

Nene didn’t replied but just cried on Miguelita’s shoulder rocking him gently, and the two of them stopped when they hear a knock on the coffee shops’ half closed doors it was “Boyet” the hospital janitor.

Hey… lucky me… you’re still open… Boyet told Miguelita and was surprise to see Nene crying. He then quickly comes next to the two gays.

Hey… what happened? Boyet asked Miguelita and Nene wails again… and repeated the whole narration to Boyet as he cried over a new mug of coffee… Miguelita left the couple and continues to clean the coffee shop occasionally glancing at Nene and Boyet .

Weeks later Nene and Boyet became a regular at the coffee shop cavorting like Boyet and Nora during their heydays. Miguelita is happy to see his best friend rebounds. At least he could go on missing his Cirilo who is on his fifth month now with his family. He worries and wondered if his okay… but he knows deep inside that Cirilo is happy with the kids and wished he had a uterus.

The life of the homosexuals in the coffee shop goes on happily despite Miguelita’s waiting for Cirilo.

One day Nene declared excitedly to Miguelita that Boyet’s birthday is coming on the 3rd day and that they should celebrate in his coffee shop and that Miguelita should cook for them and that it would be an exclusive party, and that he would invite Matt to make him jealous of Boyet, and that and so on… Miguelita agreed out of loneliness hoping Cirilo could join them, he text him and no reply, he called to him to no avail… and secretly wished that his okay and hope that he remembers that it’s their anniversary as well.

The coffee shop looks like a carnival. Balloons and fancy flowers made of crepe papers adorned the gay shop. Miguelita is busy putting food on the buffet table as Nene grilled the barbeque and hotdogs. He excitedly affixed everything he grilled on a pineapple. He goes around the coffee shop electrifyingly as if he is the birthday celebrant.

Gush, Hurry up Miguelita… Boyet will be here in a minute. Nene ordered Miguelita hurriedly who looks at him in disgust.

Gush Miguelita… I know it’s your coffee shop I don’t have time with that kind of look of yours… I have to call on Shirley the hairdresser, he promised me to lend his video camera, and all my friends from the beauty shop and the barbers in the corner would be here in a minute too… I have to call to Maricel to be sure that Matt will come…and the “Magic Sing” gush before I forget Boyet love to sing… The homosexual ran to the phone and mumbles incoherently, Miguelita didn’t mind him but continues to do his thing, putting finishing touches on the array of foods on the buffet table.

Ayyyyyyy… God… You’re so beautiful… Nene shouted fakely at the guest as he kisses each one.

God thanks for the gifts, Boyet is on his way now… please take your sit. As he glides his way among the guest wondering where Boyet is.

Miguelita on the other hand just smiled in amusement watching his best friend. But deep inside him he misses Cirilo, he smile poignantly to everyone but that doesn’t feel like it as he felt so lonely. It’s the 6th month now that he celebrated their anniversary alone. He started to pour in some Vodka and tonic which one of the guests bought. He positioned himself by the corner silently sipping his drink as he watch the revelry.

The strange crowd sang in unison as Boyet comes in to the party together with his entourage of macho men from the hospital… of course that includes the embalmers, guards, cooks and other staffs even the baranggay tanod is there.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY… HAPPY BIRTHDAY… TO YOU… the crowd clapped as they finishes the song and Boyet blows the candles that Nene is holding so proudly as if she is the luckiest gay in the whole wide world ever…

And the party started, people start to sing karaoke, some men put on their cards and bets. The group from the beauty shop preens as they tried to catch the attention of the men from the hospital. Every one is gay and happy. And everything looks like someone is going to be buried the next day.

Miguelita smiled alone at the corner listening to the gays singing. When suddenly he felt a hand tapping on his shoulder and he looks in surprise that it’s Matt who is also drinking Vodka tonic.

Hi… you look so lonely here… why you’re not joining them. Matt speaks to him bravely.

Oh… I guess I’m just tired… I cooked the whole day you know… Miguelita smiles at him casually.

Hmmm… It’s so sweet of you cooking for your best friend? The young man told him in appreciation.

Yeah… he’s my family… The gay replied like a girl.

I’m just another woman in love, a kid out of school, a fire out of control… just another fool… touch me and I’m weak… lalalalala… Nene is singing Maureen Mcgovern’s “Just Another Woman in Love” in the karaoke.

Matt brought the whole bottle of Vodka and sits beside Miguelita…

To be continued... bukas sorry... ang dae kung gawa... promise...

THE LEGEND OF THE COFFEEMAKER part 4

2009-07-19T18:38:00.000-07:00

How to tell a story series

Every human relationship has a tangible core. And we can think about it, analyze it all we want, It is unchangeable. The truth is Miguelita loved Cirilo with a burning passion akin to the fire of a great affair or hate.

Passion or perhaps hopelessness occupies Miguelita. And passion has no footing in reason. Passion is indifferent to reciprocal emotion, it needs to express itself to the full, live itself to the very end, no matter if it receives in return is kind feelings, sympathy, courtesy, friendship or mere patience… in short passion makes Miguelita a martyr. It’s not strange if Miguelita forgives Cirilo. The fear and uncertainties that just been revealed made him so tragically sad that no words could contain it but that didn’t stop him to love the doctor more.

The night knows their secret and the couple with silent mutual understanding made love as if the world would end the next day. There were no words spoken but tacit and unsaid sentiment interpreted with their kissing, touching and the constant gasping of the martyr homosexual. The walls as if feeling the couple’s passion, cover them with stillness.

The days turn to night, and nights turn to a month and months turn to a whole calendar, and the calendar turns to another calendar their affair lingers despite the constant travels of Cirilo to visit his kids and wife. Miguelita on other hand grew accustomed to his part as the other gay. He would wait for long hours for his man to come. The house and the coffee shop become cleaner from constant cleaning of Miguelita to while away the loneliness of waiting. He even finds time to clean his nails. Happiness to him now means the sound of Cirilo’s car as it parks on the driveway or the familiar sound of his lover’s footsteps.

Oh… what is this coffee, Miguelita? Nene talks to himself as he puts down the mug and looks at his horoscope on the tabloid paper.

That’s not coffee… stupid!!! That’s the water from the rag I just washed… where did you get that?... Miguelita restrains his laugh as he continues to wipe the white coffee cups which he arranged neatly on the rack.

Oh!!!… The fag spats the liquid and announces that he gets it from the pan kettle on the sink. “I thought its coffee”… he furthered and bends over to stand up and he went to the coffee shop’s kitchen. He went back to his table bringing with him a new mug of freshly brewed coffee just as a young man in a nurse’s uniform came in to the quite coffee shop.

Hey, mister can I have coffee please… the young nurse asked Nene as he glances at the clock on the wall that says 3:25 pm.

I’m not a waitress here, go asked that homosexual over there… The faggot pouts his lips pointing to the direction of Miguelita and continues to read his horoscope.

Excuse me can I have the blackest coffee you ever have without sugar please… The young nurse asked Miguelita ignoring the other bitch.

Miguelita with his back from the coffee drinker suddenly smiles and stop his wiping as he heard that familiar question remembering him how he first met Cirilo. He turns back and faces the young nurse with a big smile.

Oh… okay for a sec… please… Hey Nene… can you please help this young man to his table… He called to the other fag who glares at him.

Anything else?... He continues as he looked at the young nurse confidently.

The good looking young nurse stared shyly at Miguelita and stuttered as he replied blushingly… ahhh that’s all… and thank you, He quickly went to his table and glances at Miguelita nervously.

Though on his prime, Miguelita still looks attractive, He had this air of confidence, and an aura of contentment that makes you take a second look at him. His face though quaint is charming. Despite his firm image his smile is comforting like the smile we see with our mother’s when they hushed us if we cut ourselves.

Maybe he is gay… He thought knowingly as he glances at the young nurse who consciously stole a glance at him. He continues to wipe the white coffee cups and ordered Nene to hurry up in serving the coffee.

Nene now fully alert when he found out that the young nurse is handsome… forgetting his horoscope quickly he serves the coffee like a Tasmanian devil. After serving the coffee he befriended the man as the young nurse is new in town. Miguelita watch them in amusement as Nene works his charm on the young man. Strangely the nurse warms up easily to the faggot… Watching them he suddenly misses his Cirilo who is in his second month now with his family. He shouldn’t agree with it, regretfully he thought. It has been decided between the two of them that Cirilo would take a vacation from his work and spends time with his kids and wife. He remembers that the kids are growing up now. He wants to care, he wants to love… love is a heady concoction of wanting and being wanted. As much as he wants to --- he knows that it’s impossible, and with knowing abandon he just looks at the calendar longingly.

Queerly Nene hang-outs everyday at Miguelita’s coffee shop at 3:30 in the afternoon pretending to help Miguelita who also pretends that he doesn’t know that Nene has a crush on the young nurse. Miguelita understand exactly what his younger best friend felt as he felt it a long time ago… and he misses that feeling. He just smiles secretly when he sees Nene’s agitation if the young nurse won’t show up for a day as it is evident with all the broken cups that are accumulating at the back of the coffee shop.

To be concluded this afternoon... bwahahahahaha

THE LEGEND OF THE COFFEE MAKER part 3

2009-07-17T03:45:00.000-07:00

How to tell a story series

There is really something about true love, you know… it doesn’t make you asks questions and it makes you contend of what you are. It doesn’t make you complete but it makes you more sure of yourself. Anyway, like a proper housewife Miguelita became a loyal, loving and compassionate partner to Cirilo. Knowing nothing about his partner’s past he still continues to love him. People thought Cirilo rented the other room of Miguelita’s gay house but to their unknowing they don’t know that they were lovers except Nene who saw it all.

The days passed and their affair as secret as it is, bloomed like a mushroom amongst decayed compost. Scenes like cooking together, talking as if it’s the end of the world, secretly hold hands while watching a movie, worrying together about broken pipes, kissing by the laundry, glancing sweetly at each other during parties, washing the dishes together, putting Vicks on each others chest whenever someone’s sick, texting what time his going home, Letting him taste his cooking by the stove, sleeping in others arm in pure abandon… all the good memories a homosexual can ever imagine… Miguelita’s life was never been happier.

Miguelita… Miguelita… Miguelita… Nene shouted at the door of his dear friend’s house. He is wearing a flowery shirt which matches the curtain she gave to Miguelita a long time ago.

And why are you here? bitch friend… and what is it this time… I don’t have money… Miguelita replied jokingly as he gestures to the other faggot to come in. He is holding a basketful of laundry and casually turns his back to the chubby visitor as she proceeds to the washing machine.

Gush… you Bitch, I know your imaginary husband is away… we should go out and watch the beauty pageant at the other town. Your enemy the “ingrate homosexual” who uses a lot of men is joining… Oh is that a Banana Que in the table… Nene went straight to the kitchen and didn’t bother to wait for Miguelita’s reply.

Nene munched on the Banana Que and announced to the other gay who is busy putting detergent to the washing machine.

“Oh… by the way… as your imaginary husband is away for a week now, Boyet the janitor in the hospital that I’m flirting with is giving me this letters and some medicine for your Cirilo”… Nene speaks with his mouth full and put the letters on the table.

Oh maybe you like coffee with that… the gay host replied as he glance at the bunch of letters on the table where Nene put it. He is putting the other dirty laundry in a soapy basin.

Without even saying thank you Nene automatically get two coffee mugs and started to brew coffee and the two queens chatted the afternoon away… The two divas have been good friend since they were young and very inseperable since Miguelita father died. They are like sister of the Bene Gesserit who have the same universal consiousness.

A late afternoon shower cast rainbow over the horizon as the two friends finishes thier coffee and Nene left late. And Miguelita continues to do the house chores and finally he picks up the letters and casually putting it on Cirilo’s desk, when a brightly colored postcard in a child’s handwriting falls to the floor. He picks it up, looks at it and cried.

The house is curiously dark when Cirilo arrives despite it still early in the evening.

Migue… Migue… hon… the doctor lovingly look for his partner as he opens the door and switches the lights on. He was suddenly surprised to see Miguelita crying in a corner by the kitchen. With concerned in his face he drops his bag and quickly run to his partner and asked him what happened. Miguelita did not replied and just give him the post card. Cirilo looked at the postcard with a cut-out of his face, two boys and a beautiful woman and the child’s hand writing says “We miss you daddy”….

The house as if watching them became silent, not the lizards nor the night dared to disturb that silence. Miguelita looked at Cirilo, he’s eyes is crying with questions… Cirilo embraced Miguelita in guilt… contained and muted… Miguelita sobs as Cirilo rocks him gently…

To be continued….

THE LEGEND OF THE COFFEE MAKER part 2

2009-07-16T22:02:00.000-07:00

How to tell a story series

Like creamer for coffee the voice of the stranger calling Miguelita makes him stop to breath and he feels like dying. He turns around shyly and

Yes… yes sir… Me… you’re calling me… Miguelita replied.

“Yes, it’s lonely drinking this great coffee of yours and I’m new here, maybe you could give me some advice or whatever about your town” … the stranger replied casually.

I’m Cirilo by the way… Cirilo Franco… The stranger stands up and extent his hand.

Of course Miguelita drops the tray and pretends to dropped it accidentally as he apologetically extends his cold and shivering hand towards Cirilo. Cirilo accepts the cold hand with his warm hand and squeezed it tightly. The gay blushed.

I’m Miguelita… Yeah just Miguelita… the gay replied. He gestures to the handsome man to sit down as he picks up the fallen tray. He then proceeds to clear a chair and sits awkwardly…

… and in that scene begins a new chapter in the homosexual’s lonely existence.

“Cirilo Franco is a doctor that’s been stationed in the ER section of the town’s hospital. He actually comes from a distant city. He is confident, very articulate and strangely very loquacious for a man. He is well accepted in the hospital’s community as he is very good in his profession and popular as he makes the women swoon with his smile and beautiful eyes. I don’t know if his gay or his married but that doesn’t bother you right, And strangely he seems to like hanging out at your coffee shop lately”… The incriminating Nene narrates monotonously to Miguelita as he sips his coffee.

Oh and by the way you look different today… the diva furthered.

You look like you did something to your face or something? Whatever … I need to go back to my dresses now… and thanks for the coffee… see yah later… Nene said goodbye to Miguelita who were cleaning up the table.

Ever since that night when Cirilo first came to Miguelita’s place, the homosexual was never been the same again. The world seems brighter and more meaningful for him. His life of constant grinding and brewing became a life of hoping and loving. Queerly Cirilo on other hand became closer to Miguelita as he frequents his coffee shop. Over bittersweet black coffees they talked almost every night after both of them finishes their duties… and oddly formed a bond that even Nene clearly notices that their falling for each other. And their talking leads to touching and the touching leads to sex and then there is no mystery left as everything is consummated. Then a couple of months more Cirilo decided to move in to Miguelita’s place.

The homosexual is beautiful… Nene thought.

To be continued… bwahahahahahaha….

THE LEGEND OF THE COFFEE MAKER part 1

2009-07-15T23:16:00.000-07:00

"how to tell a story" series

Well… well… well… there you are my expectators and pupils who were expecting me to write another story because it’s addicting. Well anyway, as I woke up today and I found out that I don’t have coffee anymore. The coffee that Oli gave me last month from Vietnam is already consummated. I panicked and twirls like a Tasmanian devil around the kitchen looking for some coffee in my cupboards and the fridge, luckily I found a red package that reads “Vietnam’s coffee from the Highland”. I don’t remember where it came from maybe Shun gave it to me. Anyway I had it pressed on with “Angelu” my new coffee press. Pressing the grains a story formed in my heady brain and I called it “The legend of the Coffee Maker”.

Okay gays and more gays at the back listen as I know a lot of you can relate to this story of mine. Okay here it goes…

THE LEGEND OF THE COFFEE MAKER

Once upon a time in a world similar to ours, a 30 something handsome gay lived a solitary life. His name is Miguelita. He lives alone with his plants and herbs. Miguelita is very kind, quite and disciplined. In his lifetime he was never been in love and his shapely ass is a virgin. Though he had some crushes with some men in the town, he doesn’t have the courage to take on them. He just contend himself with the warmth of his lonely hands and the comfort of naked immobile men in the magazines. He frequents the church during Sundays and always guiltily asked for forgiveness about his being different from the other men in their goddamn conformist town. He doesn’t have a lot of friends but he had one good friend “Nene” - the town’s dressmaker. Nene is also gay who is gregarious and funny as oppose to Miguelita’s stoic image.

Miguelita owns a small coffee shop which he inherited from his deceased gay father. (Yeah homosexuality is inborn it’s not airborne.) The coffee shop he had is quite popular as his coffee is very good more than Starbucks and it’s cheap as well. A lot of people drink coffee in his shop especially doctors and nurses because the shop is located near the town hospital. Being a quite and small businessman Miguelita is always optimistic. He always keeps the wind behind his back and the sun on his face. For him all the immediate unknowns are better than knowing about his tired and lonely life.

Motherless since he was young, no relatives in town, and raised by his gay father who is a migrant from a distant country, Miguelita grew up a loner. Everyday of his life he just makes good coffee and serves biscuits to his customers. Except for some occasion when he would joins Nene going to the city to buy supplies and stuff. Life for him is a constant grinding and brewing coffee until one rainy night when a man came to his shop.

It’s almost midnight and Miguelita is checking on his day’s ledger, when a man without umbrella storms to his coffee shop. Water is dripping at the adobe tiled floor where the man shakes himself out of the rainwater from his brown jacket. He took the jacket off and lazily hangs it on a chair spine and he smiled at Miguelita.

As if the camera is shifted quickly to Miguelita who looks at him in slow motion. Miguelita’s eyes see love for the first time. Seconds felt like a million light years away and everything in the coffee shop looks bright and pink, the sleeping flowers on the vases wake up to full bloom, the mosquitos and night insects disappear, and strangely Melissa Manchester’s “Looking through the Eyes of Love” starts to play on the background.

Hi, good evening, are you still serving coffee? The stranger asked politely and waited for a reply that never come.

Hey? Are you okay? Mister? The stranger asked again.

Miguelita stared at him blankly with a strange smile at the corners of his pouting lips. The lizard on the wall wants to slap the homosexual. The sound of the stranger’s snapping fingers wakes him up and he replied blanky.

Ummmhhh… yeah I’m available… uhhhmmm… yeah!!! I’m still open… Miguelita replied nervously and tried to regain his croaking throat as he summon his courage to appear normal even though his heart thumps like the thumper they used in “Dune” to summon the worms.

“I want the blackest coffee you have without sugar.” The stranger requested as he smiled at Miguelita. He has the most beautiful smile in the whole wide world ever. Of course Miguelita almost died.

“O… okay”… Miguelita replied like a young gay with ants in his underwear.

Forgetting the day’s ledger the homosexual quickly grind his most expensive coffee he kept in his cupboard and brewed it to perfection and he even strained it an expensive Egyptian cotton as he put the dark liquid in a beautiful blue coffee mug. Melissa Manchester continues to wail in the background.

The stranger sits by the door area and watched the rain pouring like hell. Miguelita served him the coffee and he put some biscuits on the side, he even bothered to put a small flower in a small vase and he put the trayful on the stranger’s table, gesturing that the coffee is ready.

“Enjoy your coffee sir”. Miguelita announced to the stranger who was fumbling for something from his pocket and brought some cash and he put it in the table gesturing to Miguelita to pick it up and said. “Thank you” as he smiled again to the love strucked gay. Again Miguelita almost died.

Miguelita picks up the money and the tray and started to go to the counter when the stranger called to him and asked the startled homosexual if he could join him…

To be continued… bwahahahahahaha…

THE LEGEND OF THE VACUUM CLEANER (part 2)

2009-07-12T23:09:00.000-07:00

The festival started and everyone is gay. Balloons and cotton candies spark colors among the busy fairground. Ferris wheel, Carousels and Fire blowing clowns make the front yard of the school merry. The stable in the right wing of the school is already packed with noisy and annoyed horses with carriages and wagons among them. People from all parts of the kingdom donned in their fanciest clothes joined the revelry. And then the “Mayora” shouted with billowed voice announcing the commencement of the “Egg Sucking Contest” as he waved his hand in time for the curtains to open revealing a tableful of Ostrich eggs neatly arranged in the middle of the arena.

Ohhhh… the people gasped.

“I didn’t know that it’s an ostrich eggs, I’ll back out”. One contestant complained.

“Yeah”, me too!!! …. another one shouted.

Oh forgive us… lovely and gay people of Deva Station… the Mayora explained.

It was been agreed among us the elders to replace the normal chicken eggs with ostrich eggs as it’s bigger and not so messy unlike the chicken eggs which are difficult to clean… The Mayora furthered.

And the “Egg Sucking Contest” begins…

Chonabelle grinned evilly at the corner knowing that he would get the title once again. The Mayora called to the contestants one by one and each contestant sucked the large eggs. Slurping sounds and ahhhs from the crowd lifted the people’s spirit and excitement as the contest goes on. Only two contestants got to at least 8 ostrich eggs until Chonabelle was called. Chonabelle sucked at least 16 ostrich eggs, but still, he manages to smile and laugh to the crowd even if he cannot breath. He feels bloated and carried out an arrogant bow.

Finally the twin’s names were called, of the gay twin only Susan Mae went to the middle of the arena to suck the eggs. Nervously clad in his Fuschia Pink empired cut dress, Susan Mae reached for the huge eggs and started to suck each one. The crowd went silent, only Susan Mae’s slurping can be heard among the restrained breath of the spectators.

Slurp… Slurp… Slurp… Susan Mae continues to suck the huge eggs.

From a distant the sound seems like a dubbed gay porn. And to everyone’s surprise Susan Mae sucked her 16th egg and he summoned more of his strength to get another more egg to the dismay of Chonabelle. The crowd cheered…

Suck!!! Suck!!! Suck!!! Susan Mae!!! SUCK!!! The crowd chanted.

Chonabelle turns blue from anger and green with envy. In slow motion Susan Mae sucks the last egg as Chonabelle jumps and run towards the sucking homosexual… He pushed Susan Mae making him swallow the whole ostrich egg complete with all the sharp shells…

At the same time in the stable, sitting invisibly on a white unicorn, Gwendolin with his “Elie Saab” gown is observing the crowd. He is watching over the twins as he knows that the evil adopted sister would do something bad to his favorite gay twins. But she got bored as the names of the twins were listed last on the list. Luckily he brought with him his rainbow colored make-up box. Out of boredom he started to manicures his nail. He shifted and balances himself on the back of the white unicorn to put colors in his left toenails when accidentally he drops a droplet of nail polish to the horse’s left eye. The unicorn of course jolts in pain making all the horses in the stable panic and caused a stampede towards the festive crowd…

Susan Mae is gasping for air as the huge ostrich egg was stuck in his throat. Anita Mae ran to his gay twin. The whole crowd watched in horror as the twin struggles. Then suddenly the bleacher cracks and the stampede of horses came in… The crowd broke in alarm as the animals run through them. From bird’s eye view the scene is covered with dust as people and animals scramble to safety. It took several minutes for the crowd to clear… everything is hazy and dusty. In the corner, amidst the chaos Anita Mae manages to unchoke Susan Mae. The poor gay twin fearfully embraces each other as they watch Chonabelle being dragged by the raging horses.

The dusty scene finally subsides. The crowd was gathered in the right wing corner of the arena avoiding the remaining horses that calmly walk as if nothing happened. Then they, including the twins heard a humming sound coming from the still cloudy middle area of the arena. Everyone is waiting in anticipation as what it might be… Then a silhouette of a figure comes to shape. It was the fairy fag Gwendolin, she is holding a strange device that sucks every dirty things on the floor. The people gasp…

Gwendolin walks toward the twins who look at him as if they saw the blessed virgin mother Theresa. The faggot fairy then gives Susan Mae and Anita Mae the strange device that sucks everything. The twin though confused smiled… strangely something in their faces looks different… they look more lighter and beautiful as if something heavy was lifted out from their sad faces. Then Gwendolin do the hip shake thing and she’s gone leaving a beautiful memory to the young gays.

Midnight… inside a dark stockroom of the twin’s house, the vacuum cleaner weeps.

Of course it’s Chonabelle...

There you are my behave pupils, again tell me the moral lesson about it… and I’ll give you a free vacuum… bwahahahahahahaha

HOW TO TELL A STORY (Part 2) - The Legend of the Vacuum Cleaner

2009-07-12T18:51:00.000-07:00

Well… well… well… there you are my neat, tidy and beautiful pupils of mine. Today I’m so excited to tell another story as I woke up happy this morning the fact that I brought a new Italian coffee press last Saturday. And I called her “Angelu”. Of course, Marla is still there though she’s broken already, I don’t have the heart to throw her away. I brought the coffee press because I love the brand name of it… it’s called Windax… which reminds me of the gay word “Windang” which means crazy.

Me, Miss Earth and Miss Frida went to “Sorya” last Saturday to buy Miss Frida’s head set. As I go around the appliance center I’ve looked emptily at the long display of vacuum cleaners and remember that my new Cyberdiva friend Matilda was asking me to write a story about it… so of course knowing me and knowing you, a story formed in my chaotic head.

Okay young homosexual, sit tight and this story is all about you greedy and envious faggots… specially the noisy group sitting at back… okay here it goes.

THE LEGEND OF THE VACUUM CLEANER

Once upon a time in a gay kingdom of “Deva Station”, which is located somewhere in the middle of a desert and between the two large river of Devos and behind a large cliff of limestone and under a foggy skyline in short it’s a very hard to reach kingdom, there lived a young homosexual. He is an orphan and his girly name is Chonabelle. Chonabelle lives with his foster Auntie Mathilda who also had twins. Their names are Susan Mae and Anita Mae who loves Barbie dolls too much and never go out of the house if their clothes are not the same.

As a young gay, Chonabelle has an affinity to sucking things in fact even when he was just a year old he thumbsucks a lot. Even in school he sucks all the pens and pencil he could hold. The twins always keep their pen, crayons and pencil away from Chonabelle as he is very euphoric when he sees those things. The three young gays studied in the same school and Chonabelle being the eldest always bully the twins.

Aunt Mathilda strict as she may seem is also kind. She loves Chonabelle more than her twins which of course makes the other two young gays jealous of Chonabelle. However because of Aunt Mathilda’s overbearing love for Chonabelle, Chonabelle grew up as a brat, a bully and a bitch. He goes around school bragging a lot of stuff while sucking on a cherry flavored lollipop. He is very popular at school because even if he is a brat he had a very tremendous charisma and he always has new set of things and fashion every season making him more of a trendsetter at their gay school. He can almost get away with everything.

On the other hand not as beautiful as Chonabelle the twins grew closer to each other, the fact that their mother doesn’t love them that much. They became more withdrawn and play with each other more often despite the frequent bullying of the bad orphan sister they had. They always play on a pumpkin patch in the garden behind their house. Out of their unknowing, there in that pumpkin patch live a transsexual Fairy named Gwendolin who watched the twins and Chonabelle invisibly everyday. The twins love to sing Mariah and Whitney’s “When You Believe” (the soundtrack from “The Prince of Egypt”), which the dragged fairy loves to listen so much, in fact he made an invisible hammock where he can lie down and listen to Susan Mae and Anita Mae singing. And these go on everyday as the three gays grew into beautiful teenagers.

The highschool is always a place for survival and the poor twins has become the school clowns of course thanks to their devious and bad sister Chonabelle. There were times that Chonabelle locked the twins in the school gym the whole weekend, or sometimes she would sprinkle marijuana on their lunch box making the twins high the whole day and they would walk hand in hand in the hallway singing “When you believe” again and again. Chonabelle loves the pleasure of torturing Susan Mae and Anita Mae out of their wit. This of course seems not to bother their mother Mathilda as she is always busy playing mahjong with her friends in high places.

However everything changes during the “Annual Egg Festival” in which their school is the host. The highlight of the festival is the “Egg Sucking Contest” where in contestants will battle for the ultimate title of the greatest Egg Sucker. To win the contest one has to suck as many eggs as he can and whoever have the greater numbers of eggs would win the coveted title. Of course the ever evil Chonabelle enlisted the poor twins without their knowing. And of course the people were expecting Chonabelle to win the title again as he is the defending champion of that event...

To be continued... bwa... hahahahahahahah!!!!

HOW TO TELL A STORY (part 1)

2009-07-09T04:37:00.000-07:00

Well…well…well… look what we have here. Ah there you are my bored, lonely and aging pupils of mine. I went home last night tired I just finished three storyboards for a mobile phone company and one for a perfume. Though tired and hungry I still manage to cook for my dinner. God it’s lonely when you’re beautiful and alone… I missed him.

I prepared for myself “pork menudo”. I showered and change on my house outfit, I put the used clothes in the laundry bin and was so surprised to see that’s its already full and then I remember that Bong Srey (the cleaning lady) was absent last Saturday. I went back to the kitchen to check my cooking then proceeded to the washing machine bringing with me a sackful of dirty clothes, clothes and clothes. I stuffed the white colored shirt first and let the machine do its job.

I make coffee and sat by the kitchen table, the house felt so empty. Even the neighborhood is quite except for some meows of horny cats. I can hear the pot mumbling with steam and the humming of the washing machine. Sipping the hot coffee I stared at the washing machine in complete emptiness. I thank God for the machine as I don’t like doing laundry, I wonder and thought how and why washing machine is created. Out of waiting for my cooking and the laundry a story formed in my mind… and I called it “The legend of the washing machine”.

Okay homosexuals at the back who don’t listen to me, I will spare all of you with my guidelines today, for a change. Today I will just tell you a story… We’re going to have quiz after this.

THE LEGEND OF THE WASHING MACHINE

A long, long time ago in the farthest corner of the world, in a small town that’s difficult to pronounce… there lived a girl. Her name is Lenlen. She bore the mark of a 3G (God’s Given Gift) in short she is very beautiful. She lives with her mother who makes money out of washing other people’s dirty laundry. Her beauty is the envy of all the girls in that town, though poor her mother somehow manages to get her to high school. But after she graduated high school she continued to wash other people’s laundry because her mother is getting old. She as always goes to her favorite spot of the riverbank every time she washes the laundry.

The river is as old as anyone can say, however it was been dammed by a corporation that is owned by the father of one of her suitors - Carlos. Lenlen has a lot of suitors, but she doesn’t have the heart for them as she knows that her heart is of her own… she is a lesbian. But Carlos is very enamored to her that he would do everything to win Lenlen’s heart. Carlos always goes to the river to see Lenlen washing clothes. Sometimes he helped her hang clothes in a mile long clothes line.

Everyday the scene on the river side looks like a long TV commercial for a detergent soap. And the days passed as Carlos continues to woe for her. And finally he gets tired of the same answers he got. Though firm with her words Lenlen has always been honest to Carlos that she doesn’t love him but she like him as a brother she never had. So Carlos one day decided to take Lenlen by force, But Lenlen is good in karate… of course Carlos failed.

So Carlos decided to stop seeing Lenlen who became more beautiful everyday. Then the day came when Lenlen’s poor mother died. Burying her near the river she ran to her favorite spot of the riverbank and cried her heart out in solitude. She then raised her lonely head to the heavens with eyes full of salty water… the sound of her mind says… I’m going to leave this town and find my luck somewhere… I’m missing you mother… it echoed through the empty wind.

Maybe Carlos has mental telepathy, He knows that Lenlen will going to leave the town. So he went home to his acre-big mansion immediately and ordered his maids to take off all the big curtains, bed sheets, pillow cases, rugs, carpets, even the table cloths and all the dirty clothes. The dirty linens and clothes accumulate to a truckful. Carlos then ordered the maids to deliver everything to Lenlen’s house. The plan is to keep Lenlen from not leaving the lonely town.

Strangely Lenlen accepted the offer maybe she doesn’t have the money to pay for the bus when she leaves or money to rent for a house when she moves to the city. Carlos was glad to hear from the maids that Lenlen has taken the offer. So he called his friends and party till he was drunk with misery and pleasure. Lenlen on the other corner of the town went to the river bringing with her the curtains as it is a lot to wash.

The morning is quite fine when Lenlen went to the river. The birds were chirping gleefully as small rabbits passes Lenlen’s dainty feet. She then proceeds to wash the curtains and sang “I’ve got one hand in my pocket” by Alanis Morrisette. She was on her twentieth curtain when she heard a big explosion from a distant. The earth shook and in a split of second Lenlen saw the water coming…The dam exploded.

The peaceful existence of the town folks was disturbed by the pandemonium of the aftermath. Cries and scream echoes through the chaotic town. The broken dam looks serene despite the fact that it destroys a lot of lives. Carlos still groggy from alcohol went to Lenlen’s favorite spot and there he wails in anguish… what’s left of Lenlen is her “Spartan” slippers… Clutching his chest he shouted… LENLEN!!! Forgive me!!! his mournful scream was drowned by the gushing water.

From then on, seasons changed and the people started to forget everything but not Carlos. Since the incident Carlos moved to the city to study. For ten long years he was still in anguish for what happened to Lenlen; Finally he returned to the lonely town and hide in seclusion in his lonely room. Not the maids nor his father could make Carlos come out of his room and these keeps on going on for two years. Then one morning as the maid bring Carlos his breakfast she found him dead embracing what they thought is a machine.

Yes, you guess it right, it’s a washing machine…

Okay that’s it my pupils. Of course it’s not true… you stupid. Now who can tell me the moral lessons of the story. That’ll be your assignment for next week…

Mwahhh…

HOW TO TELL A PERSON'S PERSONALITY BY ITS BLOOD TYPE

2009-07-08T02:13:00.000-07:00

Well… well… well… there you are my bloody pale but beautiful pupils of mine. I felt so compose and behave today… must be the effect of the medicine I’m taking. Since last Saturday I started to see the rising sun again for the first time in a year now. I’m kind of guilty about my spoiled self the fact that Shun wakes up so early in the morning. I used to wake up early before but since I lived now in Cambodia I still have jet lagged for three years, despite the fact that the Philippines is an hour advance from Cambodia. Well anyway I woke up today feeling like Jennifer Holliday and Jennifer Hudson… singing “No… no… no… way… No… no… no… way… I’m leaving without you… you’re the best man I’ve ever known… no… no… no… way… In short I’m just feeling lazy going to the office today.

Last Saturday, I had a new pair of beautiful sandals. I had it made to order from a local shoe shop, you see Cambodia still have those shops unlike in our country we all buy it in SM malls na. The pair of sandal fits me well and I like it so much that I wear it right away and swashay my way in Russian market buying a fake Versace mail bag. The rest of my Saturday is all about old movies. I came to watch “As good as it gets”, “The Village” and “The island of Dr. Moreau” again and made popcorns from an old kettle. Shun is in Vietnam. My sister called that my Fudra* is sick, God my poor fudra he’s already old. I missed him I guess. I love my fudra so I sent money last Monday.

My Sunday is also beautiful as Shun cooked for me “Japanese chicken curry” which tasted so good. Shun is a perfectionist but not the type that would control everyone like the ex-friend I had before. I know he is observing me from afar as I’m observing him too, I mean about our personalities and habits. He notices that I’m kind of a Diva (which of course I am) and that I leave my stuff on the kitchen sink and had all the ants feasted on my leftovers. And I was so ashamed of myself and apologized for my mistake then explained that I’ve been alone for a long time and I have a cleaning lady too, who incidentally was absent last Saturday. Then he jokingly teased me that my blood is type “B”. I was so surprised that he knows what my blood type is. Yes I’m type B+ and I asked him why and how did he come to know about my Rare and Royal Blood?

Then he asked me to sit down and listen to him, as he waved his soapy hands. He is washing the dishes. So he told me… That in Japan there is a belief that a person’s personality can be distinguished according to his blood type. The notion started in the 1930’s when Furukuwa Takeji disprove the idea that Asian blood were more closely related to animals than humans. Since then the idea of personality being influenced by blood type remains and even get to other shores such as Korea. Almost all Japanese are aware of their blood types. They even have a blood horoscope, almost similar to our universal horoscope… which I love. Companies during that time in Japan even had divided workers by blood type. And if you’re a gaming addict especially in RPG games you would notice that most of the characters have blood types on their profiles. In Korea there was even a movie about it… “My boyfriend is Type B.”

My personality shows a lot of signs being a B type as he said. My being moody, craziness, my laziness, my creativity, being an individualist - which he simply refers as selfishness and my persistence are obvious signs of a type B. But I simply replied to him that my personality is really a B because it’s stands for “Bayot, Bakla, Bading, Badaf, Banshee, Bayogin, Binabae, Bergenya kantupay, Burikat na bayot, Baggot , Bag, Branny or Bomosexual, etc.” WHATEVER!!!

He is type A which is very common in Japan. But a lot of them like the type O as they are more universal and down to earth. The main red blood cell groups are A, B, AB, and O. Type O is the most common blood, which is relatively high on Hispanic people like the Brazilians. Type B is quite common among Asians.

Okay homosexuals at the back, know your blood types and copy everything from the board. Today I will spare you with my guidelines but instead I just teach you the influences of your blood to your already tragic and miserable lives. Sigh… I am beautiful… I am beautiful… I am beautiful…

How to tell a person’s personality by its blood type

Type A… persons with this type of blood tends to be outwardly calm but withdrawn. They have that deep rooted strength which makes them a very responsible person. If there’s a job to be done, they prefer to do it by themselves. They crave for success and are perfectionist. Despite their calm nature they are unconfrontational and very sensitive. They like harmony, peace and organization. They work well with others, and are patient and affectionate. Among their weaknesses are stubbornness and an inability to relax.

Type B… are the Bayots, no just kidding. They are the rugged individualist, who are very straightforward, independent and likes to do things they’re own way. Creative and practical, they adapt easily to any situation. Type B's are goal oriented, they tend to stick to a goal and follow it through the end even if it seems impossible. They are selfish in the sense that they like to follow their own rules and their own ideas. They are often considered to be more relaxed, freewheeling and unconventional. Although frequently misunderstood for their eccentricities type B’s are loyal, sincere and sweet. But their insistence on being independent can sometimes go too far and become a weakness.

Type AB… Cool and controlled, they are generally well liked and always put people at ease. They are natural entertainer who’s tactful and fair. But sometimes they are standoffish, blunt, and have difficulty making decisions. As they are combined type of blood they tend to be shy and outgoing and can be both confident and timid. They are very trustworthy and responsible. They’re known to be sensitive and considerate at times but it isn’t enough to balance out the flaws in their blood type.

Type O… They have the natural ability to lead. Type O’s are devoted, passionate, and self-confident. They are initiators, although they don't always finish what they start. They value the opinions of others and are popular, they love to be the center of attention and appear very self confident. They are outgoing, energetic and social creatures despite the fact that they easily give up. Their weaknesses include vanity and jealously and a tendency to be too competitive.

Strange world… Okay that’s it my pupils and student for today… I’m going to slash my wrist tonight to see if my blood type is really B. Ohhh…. Sha… sha… sha… gabor na!!! Don’t forget your homework.

*Fudra--- gay word for father

HOW TO WARM A HOUSE

2009-07-02T22:54:00.000-07:00

Well… well… well… there you are my wide eyed, noisy and stubborn pupils of mine. Today I woke up dazed and felt that my brain is shrinking to peanut size, I can hear it bouncing on my hollow skull. I’m taking a massive doze of pain reliever because my “Gouty Arthritis of the Toe” is attacking me since last week and it was worse last night. It feels like I’m floating on air. So I want everyone to behave today as you can see my stick don’t forgive anyone… not like this when my left foot is aching badly… okay intiendes por kemi el ninos la ninas iportate bien!!! Hmmmp…

Anyway as my Saturday is busy so is my Sunday. Last Sunday I went to Miss Grace’s new apartment which is close to that beautiful Villa Lanca’. But before that I was having breakfast with Shun, He let me taste his Japanese thing which taste good. Shun surprisingly is sweet and nice though I can sense that he’s afraid of me. I don’t know why, I don’t eat human beings I only love them, you know… must be my one-line eyebrows.

After the breakfast, donned in a fake D&G grey “pekpek” shorts and Guy Laroche orange polo shirt I’d proceeded to Miss Grace’s place in my wagon (tuktuk), Bringing with me a slightly large barbeque grill and large plastic container of “Adobong Pusit”. The tuktuk driver kept looking at me wondering if I’m a woman or a man… sigh poor creature he didn’t see my hairy legs. Anyway I arrived at her apartment around 10:30 AM, God her place is beautiful, I’m suddenly became insecure. Hmmmp… I used to be on top in terms of apartments among the expats in Riverorchid, Then Ms. Frida came and my position is pushed to second level scale, then Ms. Earth and now Miss Grace… sigh… I’ve got to do something about these before I get to fifth place. I envied them the fact that they got all that huge flat screen TVs on their living rooms… I have to tell my landlord I need a flat screen TV, mine is like so 10 years ago… sigh. That’s the problem with social climbing sometimes its hard keeping up with the latest things… I feel like Nova Villa in “Abangan ang susunod na kabanata…” I missed that show.

Anyways the apartment is beautiful, the bed has canopy (shit). She had that beautiful orange lamp hanging in the middle of the room. I’m achingly green with envy, the only saving factor I had that day is my orange shirt which matches her lamp. I get to her house just in time she finishes her shower. We prepared the fish for grilling. She chopped the onions and tomatoes to be stuffed on the four big tilapias. I prepared the charcoal for grilling. She cooked the rice and set the table as I start to grill the hotdogs and the fishes which are packed in aluminum foil and BWALA we’re ready for a House Warming party.

Then Miss Frida and Miss Earth arrived with their cooking which is “Adobo sa Puti” and "Ensalada". Then Mr. Magno arrived with a bible in hand, he just came from the church. Miss Arwen with all the drinks arrived and then Ms. Deborah with her Leche Flan and Maja Blanca. And the revelry started. The food are fantastic, we had the hotdogs affixed on a pineapple reminiscent of birthday parties in our hometown. Some late guests came and Miss Romina Cuervo came late with the same orange colored shirt like mine… Hmmpp… She strongly arrived (malakas ang dating) as if a whirlwind. She’s always like that spying on what I’m wearing. Miss Cuervo is my friend cum rival in everything. From men to clothing, I’d never seen her for a long time after that incident with her churva and friend or whatevah, a few months earlier.

We finished the festivity with a dessert and watched T2, which I taught is a long TV commercial for an iced tea. As you know Cambodia don’t have cinema for foreign films, they only show local produced movies and some Indochinese movies. They have malls but to the level of our old malls. But of course pirated dvd’s are in abundance so we are still updated in movies around the world. I know it’s wrong but we don’t have a choice, do we? Surprisingly the movie is quite good, Maricel Soriano is really good in everything. T2 feels like a Japanese horror, I love the fact that they lessen the musical score but focus more on the script which is very natural and sometimes funny.

Well, now my left foot is aching… I need to teach you now the “art of house warming” before I bore you death with my yawyaws. Before, I taught you the art of warding off negative energy of your house now it’s all about warming it up. Okay homosexuals from the back stop criticizing me, I can hear it. Copy everything from the board.

How to warm a house

Do that ritual thing… I’ve learn this from my Mudra, wither you’re religious or not it helps to warm a house before dwelling on it. Put a sprinkle of salt in any entrance of your house, these according to superstition would ward off negative energy from your house. Here in Cambodia they put that little house outside of their home to the belief that some spirit would dwell on it rather on their houses. Sometimes they throw rice on the windows during the morning to appease good luck.

Put water outside… this is to the belief that bad luck would be suck in by the water instead of your house. At the same time it also looks nice, here they usually have that clay pot full of water in front of the main door and they float flowers on it.

Put on incense… the smoke symbolizes the warmth that would bring good fortune to your house aside the fact that it make the house smells good… choose the flowery scent as it is more conducive for relaxing.

Clean everything… Clean every nook and corner of your new house, the reason for this is to make you familiarize every area of your house, while at the same time cleaning it.

Check the doors… for locks and everything, check also if you had a fire exit and if you don’t have be aware of where to go in case of emergencies.

Lastly celebrate with a pot luck party… aside the fact that it’s practical, it also symbolizes “one’s luck or chance as to what may be in the pot.”

Okay my little dummies that’s it for today and have a happy weekend. I’m going to take a moment of rest now as my Rayuma is aching badly now…

Ngut-ngut man oy… agoy…agoy…agoy…

HOW TO FEEL LIKE A SALTED DRIED FISH

2009-06-30T04:00:00.000-07:00

Well… well… well… there you are my bayotiful, glowing and gregarious pupils of mine... Today the weather is fine according to the water level of my mammary glands… Its kin’da heavy you know. I don’t feel like someone today so I made tuna salad sandwich for my breakfast and a pan-boiled coffee as you know that “Marla” my coffeemaker is broken. I don’t have the time to replace her as she is of great sentimental value to me. She’d witness a lot of mornings and mourning’s with me.

Anyways finally Shun moved in to my place last Saturday, He seems fine to me I hope it would remain the same until his sixth month on my apartment. He only had a big luggage and a big hotdog pillow. Thanks God Mr. Trey fixed that broken pipe already. And I love the fact that he seldom cooks as he said, but he promised me to teach me how to cook a perfect Miso soup.

The weekend that just passed is quite busy for me. Last Saturday the whole of the Filipino Mafia went to an excursion, yeah excursion that event we always look forward to when we are in our Elementary days. It was fun and a lovely Saturday. It’s like summer you know, as you can see the climate here in Indochina is quite erratic like my behavior. It rains a lot but at the same time it’s so hot… We should texted God to stop the climate change, we spoiled earthlings… sigh…sigh…sigh…

Me, Miss Earth, Miss Grace, Mr. Magno, Miss Deborah, Miss Arwen and Miss Frida went to Villa Lanca’, It’s that beautiful villa near the Wat Lanca’ and actually a stone throw from Miss Grace new apartment. Villa Lanca’ is beautiful. The structure is a fusion of French colonial villa with modern touches of Khmer architecture, which by the way is also fabulous specially the tiled roofs. The pool is saltwater as they say but I jokingly tease them that it’s just the sweat from all the swimmers that is why the water in the pool is salty. The pool is surrounded with big trees which reminded me of trees hanging over a river where you can climb and jump on the water. Villa Lanca’ is a boutique hotel with spa and restaurant on the side.

Anyways the food is great specially the dessert – “Hot chocolate fudge cake with vanilla ice cream” on the side, God it’s the second thing to die for to think that it looks like a “whammos”; I was slurping the last sticky nectar of the white ice-cream when two not three beautiful guys came in with bulging ligaments. All of us quickly transferred to another table closer to the pool and in front of the men with ligamental thing but they seems not to noticed us. Then Miss Deborah put on her black swimming trunks and Miss Frida with her boxer type black and red trunks, and me with my grandmother’s boxers. The water is cool and yeah salty but not too salty. Then we swam to the deeper area of the pool and perked on the edge as we sang a chorus from “The Sound of Music”. It feels like we are the other sisters of Uriel… but still the ligamental guys never ever give a budge on us, so a couple more dive and frolicking in the cool water the three divas went away.

Our next stop is the “Spa Bliss”. Miss Frida already had a reservation for us, but this time it’s only me, Miss Deborah, Miss Earth and Miss Frida. Spa Bliss as always is nice. I like the simple Moorish design of the structure though a little bit small but still it looks and feels nice. They had a shop outside for clothes made from good cotton. In the back is the steam room which overlooks to a small dipping pool and in the second floor were the treatment rooms.

Growing up not rich… Spa’s for me is a luxury in fact this is my fourth time to be on a spa… aside the fact that I frequent some cheap foot massage hahahaha. Anyway so we were ushered to the dipping pool and were served with “pandan tea” its refreshing. And then were given the menu to choose what treatment we like. I chose “Body Salt Glow” under the Body scrubs or exfoliations menu. Miss Frida had the “Lulur Body Blits” and deep tissue massage, as for Miss Deborah she had the “Honey & Sesame scrub”. For Miss Earth I think she also had the deep tissue massage… We wait for a couple of minutes and that’s it we were ushered to our rooms.

I grew up in the province all I know about body beautification is the “Lugod” that hard stone we use to scrub our body when we were young and the use of “Perla” soap and Dalacin C or Chin San Chu. And this is the first time also that a woman’s hand is touching me gush… I cringe to the thought that a lady would touch my lonely skin. But I don’t have a choice since Spa Bliss has only one masseur the rest are masseuse, and Miss Frida already booked him. But anyway I thought that would be bad for me but in the end it was good but still if it’s a man’s hand it’ll be better. As it’s quite new to me this kind of stuff… Here I had to explain to all of you my beautiful pupils specially the noisy group at the back and who were never been to Spa’s the common steps you have to do in a spa.

How to feel like a Salted Dried Fish.

Follow… the ushers who would lead you to a waiting area or whatever place they have for waiting. They usually give you refreshments but since I’m in Indochina they serve us tea.

Choose… they will give you the treatment menu and choose whatever you like from body massage to body wraps to facial to body scrubs and manicures. Don’t ever think that it’s a food menu though it looks and sounds the same.

Change… now this is the part I like so much when you were ask to wear a robe. It feels like I’m a queen. But of course you have to be totally naked underneath. I used to put on my underwear but they will ask you to take it off anyway. Don’t be shy.

Shower… actually this part is optional, usually after the massage you are not allowed to take shower not unless it’s hot shower. But since I’ve chosen the body scrub I showered to loosen up the dead skin cells or whatever “Leevahg” I had in my body’s crevasses.

Let their fingers do the talking… this is the part where they ask you to lie down and they would start to knead you like a dough or they start to scrub your body like a toilet bowl. As for me as I’ve chosen the “Body Salt Glow” gush I didn’t realize that the mineral salt they use is quite bigger than I thought. It’s feels like sand paper on my skin despite the fact that the salts are mixed with oil. I can hear it literally’ the scratching sound on my skin… I want to say stop! Stop! Stop! It felt like she’s peeling my skin with a peeler. I almost cried in pain but stopped when I hear Miss Deborah snored like a man. So I just watch Miss Deborah and try to concentrate on other things. However in a couple of minutes or two my skin’s nerve endings loosens up and the scrubbing started to feel nice… then I myself falls asleep and woke up feeling like a Salted Dried Fish.

Shower again… but this is only for those who chose the Body scrubs and Body wraps. This is to remove the mixture and residues out from your lonely skin. Surprisingly when I took my shower with Miss Deborah’s manly snore in the background, my skin feels like I was reborn again. It felt like I just came out from my mother’s womb. Gush I will do these again…

Okay there you go my pupils and beautiful student. This is for you who started to climb the social ladder, Spa is one of the requirements in stepping up with your social friends, at least you know what to do… or if you cannot afford it because it 22dollars in minimum at least you have something to say to your social climbing friends too.

Okay that’s it Pray for our Auntie Farrah Faucet after you prayed for our great grandmother Michael… Mwahhh take care you little devels… I know your talking about my grammar... hmmmp...

HOW TO BECOME A FOOD BULLY

2009-06-28T21:56:00.000-07:00

Well… well… well… there you are my dead hungry, famished but still beautiful scholars of mine. Today is Thursday and I woke up with a hush puppy look… three not two bluish eye-bags hang droopily below my beautiful eyes. I didn’t sleep well last night as I was awakened by a loud hiss as if the earth farted. At 12:32 in the midnight the pipe on the other room’s bathroom exploded…

I don’t know what happened as I am busy having sex with Johnny Depp in my dreams before everything was ruined with that loud hiss. Agitated and still horny, I put on a pink flimsy nightgown and went to the other room’s bathroom to find the tubular thingy that is stuck to the water heater and the wall is spraying water. It feels like I’m Kate Winslet in Titanic. Instinctually I climb the maroon colored bathtub and level myself on the ledge to reach the broken tubular thing, I then started to fix it only to make it worse as the spray turns into a waterfall, instantly filling the bathtub below and wetting my aging horniness.

I watched in horror as the water overflows from the bathtub, I sat on the toilet bowl for a while watching the waterfall fills the tub, I tried to open the drainage but it don’t budge. There’s nothing I can do so I ran to my room and call on Mr. Trey my landlord, of course he didn’t answer. I went back to the toilet and watch helplessly at the pool of water. The sound of the falling water makes me catatonic, zombie like I started to shed my clothing and reach for the shower cream, I lit a Malboro and dip myself in the oh so cool water… I finished the cigarette watching the water falls on me. God… talking about a midnight bath. I sat on the bathtub for an hour feeling like a drama queen in a B movie, I throw the butt at the garbage bin and in a quick glance I saw the valve that would turn off half of the apartment’s water supply. With a major twist and turn of the valve I finally stop the apartment from sinking. Sigh me what a night.

Of course I went to the office late. I did my office morning ritual as usual, I get to make coffee and chat for a while with my officemates. You see, the funny thing about coexisting within any organization or office, people tend to form group which they unknowingly created. It must be because of same affinity to things. This is very evident with pinoy expats, I’m lucky as all my pinoy officemates here in Phnom Penh are very warm much the same with other pinoys outside. We sometimes have our moment but in the end the loyalty is always there which everyone are hoping so. But I’m generalizing here, I didn’t mention the others that I hate.

Well anyway homosexuals… Every morning in Riverorchid, the Filipino mafia* always asked each other what is your lunch? Did you cooked for lunch and what kind of food did you cook? And then during lunchtime we always brag of our food as we share amongst us. Then we compare who have the best food ever for the day… And judge or ask how to cook it. Among the categories we have collected so far includes “Best in tomato sauce” which refers to food that requires tomato enzyme, like Menudo, Afritada, or Kaldereta and I’m the reigning queen in that category but lately Mr. Magno is getting good, I’m threatened. “Best in Soy Sauce” is dominated by Ms. Frida as she is very good in her Adobos from chicken to pork, not to forget her Mushroom Pork in Hoysen sauce… But watch out for me because I’m second in that category for my Adobong Pusit. “Best in Fried thingy” like chicken, fish and everything you can fry is leaded by Mr. Magno and his rookie is Miss Grace because she’s good in fried rice. “Best in Boiling things” is Miss Earth as she is very good in her “Bulalo” which is oozing with bone-marrowness... Miss Earth is also reigning as “Best in Miscellaneous” for her “Ensaladas” and “Buttered gulays”. And lastly in the dessert category It’s Miss Deborah’s domain as she’s the only one who pack lunch with dessert, Her “Leche flan glazed with goya chocolate” is perfect and his “Maja Blanca” reminds me of fiesta… Again watch out for me as I’m good with “Biko”.

So far we only have one judge, Miss Arwen, with her impeccable taste and non-baised critic everyone is excited for the culmination on December before everyone goes for holiday. Well… well… well… but that is not our topic for today. Our topic for today is about food bullies in which I am one. Food Bully is the term I call to people who are always dead hungry (patay gutom) and always ask food from other people in the office.

Okay people from the back get your notebooks and copy everything from the board.

How to become a food bully

Ask everyone what they’ve got… In the morning when I go to the office I go around and ask everyone what food they have and make note of who are they and what’s on their snack bin. Lucky for me the locals like food so much just like pinoys.

Be aware of the time… by 10:00 am and 4:00 pm that’s the time when people start to go the backdoor and open their snacks. So better prepare yourself and ask food from everyone, like ‘Oh, you have a good thing there, I’ve never eaten that kind of food in my entire life, How does it taste? That line works for me… they gladly give it to me or at least had a bite.

Be on the lookout… sometimes there are unknown forces and surprise free meals like free pizza or mangos (locals love mango so much all year round). So be aware of that it doesn’t happen all the time. I know one person who is very good on these… he can smell a mango from the other room even if it’s locked.

Lastly share what you have… you see it’s a diplomacy thing, you should give back in return, and that is what it’s all about… it’s the true essence of sharing. It’s not about take and take you should also give and give…

Okay that’s it for today my pupils… I didn’t have the time to upload this entry last Friday since I’m on a shooting the whole day and until midnight. Then Michael Jackson died and I have to meditate, singing his song “Gone too soon”. Sigh poor Michael we never had the chance to have tea… May the king rest in peace. Okay pray… pray… pray…

*Filipino Mafia the term we jokingly refer to us pinoy expats here in Phnom Penh. This is because we are seven Filipino in Riverorchid not to mention the other pinoy expats in various branches of Riverorchid in Indochina.

HOW TO LIVE WITH A TAMAGOTCHI

2009-06-16T21:38:00.000-07:00

Well… well… well… there you are my sweet, diligent and behave pupils of mine. Today I woke up with mutation in my eyes or “muta” in short. I feel like Japanese so I crawled out from my beautiful bed and walked geisha like to the fridge and look for something to eat, I found a three days old sugar-raised doughnut, it’s hard as wood so I made hot chocolate and dipped the hard bread with it and ate. I’ve read my horoscope, it warns me about not swimming in a shark infested waters… strange… I’m in a land-locked country.

Well, anyway I had the best weekend to date thanks to Ms. Frida for the good time and the wonderful dinner… and the unexpectedly wonderful massage I had last Saturday night. I enjoyed playing “Taboo” it’s good for titillating your already waning lust for life… charing… hahahahaha…

Two weeks ago my horoscope told me that a man with chinky eyes will come to me and change my life… huh… of course you know me I always believe in everything that would change my life. Anyway, the next day I received a call from Shun asking me a lot of stuff. It’s kind of strange for Shun, normally we just see each other during lunchtime at mother Helen but never bother to talk to each other. But this time he actually asked me to go out to Blue Chilli but I declined the moment he said that his taking someone with him… I don’t want to be the third wheel on the scene you know.

But in the end the strangeness finally reveals the truth. He wants to live with me; he wants to rent my other empty room. I don’t know how he knows that my empty room is available. Of course before I answered “I do” I go around researching about him. Shun is a pure breed Japanese with a beautiful “manga” eyes. He hails from Hokkaido and it’s his last two semester studying here in Cambodia before he heads back for Japan. I think his into Business Administration. I don’t know but he seems so mysterious to me and that maybe is the reason why I said “I do” (God I should really be taking that marshmallow test again which I always fail… I always say yes easily… sigh poor me) aside the fact that I needed the room to be rented for extra “lapad”.

He gets to know about my room maybe from mother Helen, He is a good person according to mother Helen which by the way won the “The most outstanding Filipino in Cambodia” presented to her by the Philippine Embassy here in Phnom Penh. I’m happy for her she really deserves it. Well, anyway… yeah I know people will say here I go again. But so far I have good intuition with this, I’m hoping. I know me and Miss Deborah didn’t fair well as housemates before but we’re already over with it. We’ve come to terms that Divas should never share a flat for it would be doomed. However I do have good housemates before that lasted for years specially the one in Teacher’s Village Q.C. and have good flat-mates here in Phnom Penh, I missed Kuky and Daniel as well.

Okay of course everyone remembers what a tamagochi is. It’s that handheld digital pet which was introduced to the world from Japan during 1996 and evolved until now. The word Tamagotchi is actually a portmanteau* meaning it’s a combination of a Japanese word “tamago” which means “egg” and the English word “watch” so it ends up to “tamagotch” but its awkward to listen so they put an “I” at the end to form the word “Tamagotchi”. But whatever is that meant to you, for me as a diva “Tamagochi” pertains to a “housemate” or to be precise a Japanese housemate.

Okay listen you dummies specially the one sitting at the back, get your pen and notebook and copy everything from the board… sigh… teaching is such a noble work… sigh…

How to live with a Tamagotchi

Prepare yourself… as an independent person living with someone is quite difficult. We with our mammalian brains are very territorial. This is very evident with our four footed cousins. So prepare yourself not to defend your territory but to open it up to someone. I know this well from past experiences.

Investigate… you don’t want to end up as another single white female, don’t you. So better to go around and ask people. Ask about his or her background from people who knew him. Ask the school, office, the restaurant he or she frequented. And finally interview him no matter how you can… don’t worry his doing the same thing for you.

Set the rules… This is quite easy because it’s your territory. Set all the rules you like as long as it’s humane, from the locking of the gate to accepting guests, to the division of basic utilities, water, electricity, gas, cables, and internet, and one more thing show him the picture of the person you don’t want to be invited or seen in your house.

Ask for documents… from passports to visa, school IDs, number of the office and give a copy to your landlord if you’re living in an apartment, give it to your lawyer if you own the place and if you don’t have a lawyer keep it.

Put in papers… again to make it official put it in word form or contract. This is the difference between a friend and a housemate because you can make it in papers. With friends it’s difficult because you have to consider a lot from the way you say it to the emotional baggage’s in the process and so on and so forth… yeah… yeah… you know what I mean.

Live normally… now that his living with you, don’t act like a controlling motherfucker or a bastard father you’ll end up cleaning his or her ass. You’re not his mother or father but his housemate. Just notice what you don’t like about him or her then in time you can tell them in a nice way.

Yes, I know what you’re thinking dummies. Don’t worry I used to live for seven years with five divas before… okay that’s it for today… don’t forget to feed your Tamagotchis.

*portmanteau is a word formed by blending sounds from two or more distinct words and combining their meaning like for example: the words “do + not” = don’t, A single word that represents the meaning of combined words…. O tandaan nyo yan ha…

HOW TO COOK BISTEK TAGALOG GALORE

2009-06-12T04:01:00.000-07:00

Well… well… well… there you are my hungry, PG expectators and pupils of mine. Today I woke up thinking I’m a cook; well I do cook it’s my talent during beauty pageants, During the contest I do my cooking below the stage while the other contestant do their stuff… and when I’m done I’ve had my cooking distributed to the judges, sometimes they like it and sometime I won best in talent. Well anyways…

Oh my gush Mr. Magno stop speaking to me this morning because I didn’t answer his phone call last night, because I was fast asleep at 8:00 pm… which is not so very me. I was watching tombraider again while waiting for my dinner but instead I fall asleep in the process. I woke up at 3:00 am hungry, I’m dreaming of “Bistek tagalog”. I cannot sleep again so I wait for the long morning and found two miss calls in my cellphone from a number I don’t know so I just reply who are you? But it didn’t answer back so I cart-wheeled to the fridge and ate all the strawberry yogurt… I went back to my fabulous bed and slept again, I woke up late like 8:00am.
I went to my office and found these snobbish Mr. Magno not speaking to me. I opened my pc and check on my emails to find work in word form… so I closed my email and started to talked to that guy wearing a pink shirt and ask him why he’s so snobbish, he didn’t listen to me, I ask him a couple of times before I throw a big crumpled paper on his back. Then he finally replied to me wearily and asked why I didn’t answer his call, All he want to know is how to cook Bistek Tagalog? God I really had enough of breakdowns and dramas … gush… gush… gush... God I’m not that basic I swear…

I stared at him for like a million seconds and I started to feel something is changing inside of me, The colors of the morning seems darker, sparks of electricity swirls around my head, my pupils dilate and my fingers turn blue and I don’t know what that means but I know it’s not a good sign... but instead of exploding… I implode and go around the office mumbling and making “yawyaw” all over the place. Then I decided to have coffee… before I go back and work on a new storyboard for a phone company.

Fast forward to lunchtime, now I understand why he’s not talking to me, his lunch is “Bistek tagalog” but doesn’t taste like it… It taste like adobo… but in justiceness to him it taste good in fact I finished it all. Well because of that I will teach you how to cook “Bistek tagalog”(Filipino Beefsteak) you poor dummies of mine… Cooking Bistek tagalog is easy as memorizing all the prehistoric bones of a dinosaur. Okay get your pen and notebook and copy everything from the board.

How to cook Bistek Tagalog

¾ kilo of beef steaks

2 tablespoon of lemon juice or kalamansi or Krouch chima

5 tablespoon of expensive Kikoman soy sauce

3 cloves of garlic (crushed or sliced thinly)

1 thumb-size ginger (optional)

½ teaspoon freshly ground black pepper

½ cup white onion

4 tablespoon of cooking oil (if you feel like rich olive oil is good)

Using your expensive Messermeister knife slice the beefsteaks about 1/2 cm thick and marinate with lemon juice, garlic, soy sauce, a little bit of oil and pepper for about 30 minutes in an expensive glass or ceramic bowl. The reason for these is that when you marinate in plastic or metal container the acid of the lemon would react to the metal or plastic making the taste of your cooking slightly different.

Again using your expensive Messermeister knife slice the onion in rings and set aside.

Now make fire with your stove and put in your Bain Marie frying pan, make it a little bit hot before you put in the oil. When it’s fairly hot add the marinated beefsteak, cover and cook slowly until done.

When the liquid is almost gone and it smells good already increase the heat for a minute or two enough to make the steaks brown.

Add the onion rings and cook for another minute. Now serve it in an expensive corning ware platter including the oil and sauce.

There you go my obtuse, uncleverness and slowness students of mine… well as for Mr. Magno he fly to Vietnam today running away in shame from me…

Happy Independence Day!!!

Before I forget special mention to Oli goodluck there miss saigon…

we miss you… sigh… Tse… double tse…

HOW TO LISTEN TO GARBAGE

2009-06-04T21:55:00.000-07:00

Well… well… well… there you are my bored, lonely and disoriented mammalian pupils of mine. Our lesson for today is about music.

My greatest love for blues is the high priestess Nina Simone, I felt for her. Though she is categorized as jazz singer still the feel of her songs are very blues. She is the only diva who would stop in the middle of her singing because she doesn’t feel like finishing it. I’ve come to know her from a far distant past when I used to work in an AM radio station (DWWW am 774 stereo) for four years as a traffic officer, working with Sir Vic Morales (One of the pillars of radio in the Philippines) I’ve come to know a lot of fabulous and beautiful artists of the old world as our programming is all about beautiful music from the past… well anyway, during those times when all my Romeos abandoned me she is always my background music, It feels like I’m in a heartbreaking movie. Unrequited love and untold love stories are more fabulous when Nina Simone’s wails are the soundtrack. Her live rendition at Montruex Jazz Festival during 1976 of “Feelings” is heart-wrenching though funny because she kept on forgetting the lyrics but she managed to get away from it because she plays the piano flawlessly. Her rendition of Frank Sinatra’s “My Way” is oh so lovely, lonely but classy too… Songs like “Turn me on, For a while, The Other Woman, Ain’t got no/ I got life, Mr. Bojangles and Do what you gotta do” are among my favorites. When you want to drain all you negative feelings and your bleeding heart, then listen to Nina Simone… God bless her soul, she died on 2003.

I started listening to alternative music since I join the activist world as an effigy artist which I literally called street art… and that is during my rebellious days when am still lost, aggressive and trying to fit in. Anyway among my favorites during that time are “The Smiths, The Plan, and Belle and Sebastian” and still are. I fell in love with “The Smiths” when “Agee” a punk friend of mine give me a copy of their first album, the fiercely intellectual lyrics of the Smiths don’t matter to me that time because I only like the melody, but now I can relate to them specially that song “Please, please, let me get what I want”… The Smiths releases their first album on year 1984 and I get to know them during the late 90’s… God talking about age? Among my favorites “Death of a Disco Dancer and Heaven knows am miserable now".

Belle and Sebastian’s album “Push barman to open old wounds” is very nice specially “Beautiful, Jonathan David, I love my car and Century of fakers”. The melody of their music is so friendly and warm despite the heavy, articulate and very sharp lyrics. I love the way they incorporate trumpets with other instruments in their music. It’s just so homey and cozy… I love it… I love it… I love it…

Among the alternative pop rock I love are Natalie Merchant, Rilo Kiley and Shirley Manson. Natalie Merchant comes a long, long, way since she left her band 10,000 maniacs on 1993. Albums like “Tigerlily” and “Ophelia” are among my favorites. Her music is very expiremental and poetic which is very evident in her album “Motherland”.

The ever rebellious Rilo Kiley makes you think deeply if you listen to her, Songs like “Picture of success”, “Always” and “Don’t deconstruct” were my favorite from her album “Take-offs and Landings”. Her music resonates some of “Belle and Sebastian’s” melody and tune but more playful.

And then there’s Shirley Manson whom a long time ago I thought was the daughter of Marilyn Manson, the fact that their names have both L and Y with it… Shirley is the lead singer from the band “Garbage” before they went hiatus on 2006; I rediscovered them again a week ago when I tried to compiled all the music in my computer. Then I began to hear that familiar voice of “Stupid Girl”, “Milk”, “Why do you love me?” and “Special”. I love the video of “Special” where she played Queen Astarte defending her empire. The video is quite detached from the song she’s singing. I love everything about it from her furred tangerine vest and black charol mini skirt while flying a space fighter reminiscent of Voltes V air escapades… Love it… love it… love it… Garbage music is so edgy, intelligent and honest. If you remember her video of “The world is not enough” the soundtrack from that movie, It was so beautiful when two Shirley’s meet each other; One is the android terrorist Shirley who killed the real diva Shirley and continue to perform the concert with a ticking bomb inside her android body and the video ends in explosion. In her last video “Tell me where it hurts” from the album “Absolute Garbage” she is so stunning from her make-up to that dominatrix outfit… she’s a bitch and I love it so much that I listen to that same song over and over again… its sounds pervertly sexy and lonely.

Okay with mainstream pop there’s of course the mother Madonna the all time gay icon, then Kylie Minogue the old time gay icon, Mariah the all time transgendered icon, I also like crazy Macy Gray love her in Spiderman even if it’s just a cameo and then there’s the lonely voice of Eva Cassidy who died of cancer long before her songs became popular. As for the locals I always love Ogie Alcasid with his modern “kundiman” renditions of his songs and compositions, Yeah Eheads as like everyone else, Cinderella is timelessly fun and easy to listen, Some of Regine’s song I don’t like it when she starts to hit the high note sometimes it gets irritating and difficult to listen but nevertheless she’s good. And for the new artist I love “Adele”, “Nosettes”, “The Ting Tings” who sounds so 80’s, “Lenka” and of course Susan Boyle…

How to listen to Garbage (music)

Listen to the melody… Music is like a living organism to me, the melody is the soul and the lyric is the physical aspect. Without the melody the lyrics is just an essay. Melody can exist on its own you can listen to it without the lyrics. These is very evident in the law of Multiplex and Minus One where we only hear the melody… like Instrumental as well, if you remember Richard Clayderman, His “Ballade pour Adeline” which is the main theme for “Lovingly Yours” hosted by the late Helen Bela.

Understand the lyrics… Here the law of Videoke applies, there’s no need in explaining it’s very clear how we become so agitated if the lyrics is gone. Lyric is really a poem mostly about unrequited love… that is why I love listening to alternative music because they not only write about love, they also write about moral and social relevant issues.

Appreciate the interpretation… yeah after you listen to Regine for an hour you’ll understand what I mean.

Try to identify… the different kind of instruments that are used in this way you can appreciate the music better. You remember when in highschool and we have that stupid dance demonstration during fiesta where in the teacher in charge would always tell us to wait for the second drumbeat after the intro of music, and I hate it so much because I cannot identify what drumbeat is that… yeah talking about highschool. Anyway I always like it if they incorporate trumpets with music it’s so grand.

Well… well… well… the bell rings already... That’s it for today… I forgot to make an exam for all of you… Have a nice weekend mah darhlings… mwah… mwah… mwah...

HOW TO BE HAPPY

2009-06-01T03:07:00.000-07:00

Well… well… well… There you are my lovely cult followers, groupie and almost famous expectators of mine. The world today is beautiful as I said to myself when I woke up this morning and changed my mind quickly when I found out that “Marla” my coffee maker is broken. But I still managed to have something despites Marla’s incapacity to make it for me… sigh… poor coffee maker… anyway I have Van Houten’s soluble, pure and fine hot chocolate instead. I normally used it for my champorado during rainy days with dried fish on the side… Hmmm… talking about champorado, I’m missing it.

Well, anyways… I’m so glad that I moved already to my new table outside the creative big room, I moved out to the creative extension room because I like the lightning there, good when I’m visualizing something. There’s really something with spatial sense among the creatives. Some like it quite, others like it chaotic and others like me, I like it with loud music… whatevah it’s not our topic for today.

Happiness is relative whatever is that means to you. Happiness or Eudaimonia to the ancient greek which literally means “good guardian spirit” but in the modern times it means human flourishing or having a good life. In religious views specially in Buddhist teachings it refer to the ultimate freedom from suffering which then eventually leads to “nirvana”, and these is why am writing about happiness --- the nirvana thing… And by the way there is a very interesting site about happiness try answering the Oxford Happiness Questionnaire at MeaningandHappiness.com

In my years of wandering looking for happiness here in the lovely Kingdom of Cambodia I never thought that happiness can be eaten… yeah literally. I’m talking about “Happy Pizza”, I’ve known it a long time ago this kind of food that will bring you to Nirvana but never had a chance to try it. But that changed last Friday night, like you know you just received your salary and paid all your bills and debt from everyone; and you feel like going to have a beer or two… gush I still feel like am a “yuppie the lucky”. Anyways… Mr. Roderick, Mr. Roland, Ms. Consuelo, Ms. Grace, Ms. Deborah and Me went to have dinner at Pink Elephant restaurant where they are famous for their nirvanic happy pizza, it’s located facing the Tonle Sap and beside Pacharan which is near the Royal Palace.

The dinner started with some appetizers like fresh fried vegetable spring roll which looks like “turon” but god it taste good, after that we have shrimp flambé and other beautiful stuff that you can stuff in your mouth. I have beer and more beer before we ordered the Cannabis pizza. Happy pizza looks like normal pizza but the veggies they used are real fresh marijuana and except for peppers they sprinkled it with dried and crushed chongki, jutes or maryjane seeds including some grounded stems… isn’t it nice. Hehehehe… Mr. Roderick likes it so much he ate almost five as in five slices of that heavenly pizza. Then 30 minutes come and he feels numb… Ms. Grace felt the same too… me too… Ms. Devorah became more playful and Ms. Consuelo looks happy.

We went home in slow motion… but me and Mr. Roland drop by first at a massage, there’s something with cannabis that heightens your senses specially the touches and whatever, It must be the cannabis component “tetrahydrocannabinol” or THC which makes you feel relax and enlightened. The massage is very good in fact I ended up with my masseur who looks like Jake Cuenca when under the influence of Ganja, his skin feels so soft on my skin and his brown bunny looks like a snake on my pale skin. Huh!!! Fast-forward after the massage, Me and Mr. Roland compared notes with our masseur when all my other Diva friends arrived. So we went home immediately.

The next day Mr. Roderick told us about his experience, he felt he was in a matrix movie, everything is in slow motion that when he parted the shower curtain it seems he is captured with a camera frame by frame. And Ms. Grace felt she is being followed by something or someone the moment she arrived in her apartment even when she’s already at home she felt someone is looking at her… paranoia ang trip nang bakla… hahahaha… and of course Me I just slept after the sex trip hahahaha… I am so very flower people so hippy… let’s make love not war in the truest and honest sense of it. As for Ms. Deborah and Ms. Consuelo I don’t know what happened to them seems they are satisfied and happy. The experience looks like a scene from some of Carlos Castaneda’s writings.

Cannabis or commonly called marijuana has been consumed since the 3rd millennium BC. And it’s always associated with religion and rituals hence it’s very popular among the ancient Hindu, Buddhist and Mesoamerican rituals and they called it the sacred intoxication. Now that’s what I’m telling you that cultures and civilization sometimes were born according to the drugs people take during that time… hehehe… just an opinion.

Well anyway… let’s go back to my teachings on how to be happy. Again happiness is relative whoever your relative is. Again bring out your pens and notebook and copy everything from the board.

How to be happy

Get a Job… or make money, as oppose to what wizen elders said that money cannot buy happiness. That is not so true, in the world today where everything is equivalent to money. Money still can buy happiness but not all happiness… as what the ancient Greeks said it’s all about living a good life. Life in modern times is very expensive and to have a good life you have at least small money to live for basic happiness. My childhood was not rich nor poor yet I am happy; but as I grew older and everything is getting expensive… living also gets expensive. And you learn to get contented with what you have but still you wish for more. Life is beautiful when you are free but the bills are keep coming. Now tell me if you don’t want money.

Pay all your debts… Its sad when you look behind your back and people you owe is hounding you. I can relate to this as I am paying a slightly big amount every month for the land I am buying so I sometimes have my low months. I always get by with some helps from my friends but I have to give it back too… nothing comes for free in these lifetime. Paying debts makes you feel liberated. And liberation means happiness.

Forget the people who don’t matter to you… As you go in your lifetime we met a lot of friends and people, but as you grew older, you start to see who are the people that really matter to you. It’s like having an excess baggage when you take your flight and realize that the excess baggage your carrying is not really that worth it and yet you paid for it.

Mind your own business… other people’s business is not yours, it will make you unhappy in the end… I personally experienced this. Even if your intentions are noble in helping someone you will end up as the asshole so better distance from other peoples business.

Indulge in guilty pleasure… sometimes going out of your way makes the difference. Let your hair down sometimes… run barefooted under a storm or get skinny dipping under the moon… enjoy life in its primeval essence.

Be Positive… being positive attracts good oppurtunities and luck. Have you noticed some people who have positive aura attracts people in a bar, in a food stall, they always gather to where positive people are.

Ok that’s it you little dummies…

Oh… sha... sha… sha… Gabor na!!! Finish or not finish, pass your paper. See you in our next lesson… prepare for a quiz next week. Mwah!!!

HOW TO SAVE MOMMY EARTH

2009-05-27T00:16:00.000-07:00

I am Nature's arm. Her spirit. Her will. Hell, I am Mother Nature, and the time has come for plants to take back the world so rightfully ours! 'cause it's not nice to fool with Mother Nature.

… Poison Ivy (Batman and Robin)

Well… well… well… there you are my little green thumb devels… It’s not a fad, it’s not a trend, it’s not a bandwagon but it’s a fact, the world is changing… changing… changing… and changing. I’ve been consulting my hormonal mood and horoscope lately and it tells me to do something for Mother Earth before the Mayan calendar ends on 2012, as you can see everyone is talking about that big freezer on top and down under the world that its melting, and that thing that envelopes Mother Earth from harmful UV40 is thinning and that New York city would be meters deep down under water in years to come and that the next Venice would be somewhere near the Himalayas which they had it wrong because its in Macau… And that our biggest *Oxygenetor (Amazon jungle) would become the new Sahara desert. And just imagine all the islands in the Pacific Ocean including my beloved Republic of the Philippines… sigh… If we only have love… huhuhuhu… And that Canada will become the next tropical paradise in the future and that Gaia would become the next red planet. It’s just so alarming or am just paranoid but according to my hormonal intuition there is something big coming, So big that it would make everyone rethink of what is life is all about… Huh!!!

Whatever is there I think its time for all of us to go back to the Basic again… Basic, In the sense that we should be sensitive towards mother nature. Basic in the sense that we should take what is enough, enough for each one of us… Am talking about our consumptions of all the things that we think will make our life easier.

God how I miss spring, oh… yeah I know am not in a four season country… well anyway as far as I know spring is nice but that’s beside the point the signs are showing already… Mother Earth is not getting any younger… and yet we refuse to notice… Our insatiable hunger for things, our voracious appetite for everything, our unquenchable thirst to dominate over nature and our endless desire in making our everyday lives easier has taking its toll… From the small plastic packaging of the things we bought from the grocery to the oil we use in our cars to that thing on the wall that makes the room cold. All of these things are hurting our one and only beautiful planet… Earth.

Am not saying to change your ways because I know it’s difficult, all am saying is to give compassion, learn to live with her and give some time to help her. Be it in small ways… in reality nothing really comes for free, the moment we are born we know we are already indebted to Mother Nature… and lucky for us that we have the chance to sit, laugh, love and enjoy her company… Mother Earth is really the one true provider that keeps every generation and civilization alive. She is resilient but our lives are not.

Well… anyway, with knowing comes wisdom, sometimes intuition helps too. I’m going to share with all of you mammals and marsupials some of what I’ve learned that I had applied in my everyday life… and I hope in some way you will learn something from me even though am just a lonely Diva. Well anyway, okay get your notebooks and copy everything from the board.

How to save Mother Earth… in your own little way

Nothing is really new with my advice it’s been said before but I know it still works if people start to give compassion and time for everything. For me I think time and willpower is the key here to make everything works…

Take time to segregate… segregate your household waste. If everyone in the world will do it, then it would be a big thing. In my apartment I have three garbage bin; one for papers, one for glass and one for plastic bottles. The reason for these is that people who collect garbage actually make money out of it by selling it to recycling plants. As for those organic things such as waste from the kitchen like skin peelings from vegetables and everything that goes rotten, I have a big clay jar where I put all those stuff and cover it with a layer of soil so it won’t smell, weeks later I had a good compost for my potted plants, remember am living in a three storey apartment.

Take time to recycle… recycling all the plastics that can be used as container is good. I used ice cream canister as my lunch box. Some I used as container for my blings and small stuff. Same with bottle jars just wash it and use it as a container. Use that old basket if you go to the market, I used to remember when mother tagged me along to the market with her rattan basket it’s just oh so nostalgic and cool. Recycle grocery bags as garbage bags. I miss those times when bakeries used brown paper as packaging for all those bread… Or if you’re creative you can make a bas-relief of all those stuff.

Take time to turn off… Switching off unnecessary lights in your home is good not mentioning the money you save. As I am alone in my apartment I normally turn the lights on in the terrace, kitchen and living room for an hour and turn it off when am watching TV in my bedroom. Plugging off plugged gadgets when you go to the office also helps but that don’t include your fridge… you stupid… Turn off the shower when you are lathering. Use glass when you do your brushing. And one thing you should tell all your household and family the importance of saving energy.

Take time to plant… even in pots, it still helps to provide your place freshness and oxygen. Did you know that 70% of the free oxygen on earth is produced by all the plants in the world? I have one potted bamboo in my back terrace and a few herbs, I also have 8 potted plants scattered inside my apartment and one big potted Ylang-Ylang in front terrace. What have you got?... huh! It doesn’t need your thumb to be green after all plants are resilient, all it needs is TLC.

Take time to walk… yeah I walk when I go to my barber or the market and sometimes I walk to the park, Phnom Penh has nice parks. I don’t have a car because I cannot afford it, I ride motodups but of course with a helmet, I go for car pooling and commute most of the time. I guess my carbon footprints is not that big… I hope so…

Take time to share… Share these learning to people especially your family and friends it doesn’t matter if they don’t listen, what matters most is that you planted that seed of idea in their mammalian brains. Some grows quickly on them, others take time... whatever...

Well… well… well… there you go my pupils. I hope you will take time to write this on your notebooks. It took God seven days to create paradise, let’s see if we can do better… mwah… you green thumbed devels.

* There’s no word such as Oxygenerator --- I just made it up… what I mean is that the Amazon Jungle is the biggest place in the world that provides the earth a lot of oxygen. hehehehehe

HOW TO MIND YOUR TABLE MANNERS IN A RUSSIAN DINNER

2009-05-13T00:07:00.000-07:00

Well… well… well… there you are my revolutionary and beautiful expectators of mine.
Last Saturday I was with Mr. Gush, Dillan and Toni in a Russian restaurant called “Irina” and its my first time there and my first time eating an authentic Russian food. It was lovely and the food is very delicious and wonderful, the place is also nice and very cozy. I like the graphic and pop Russian posters they posted on the walls.

Toni is leaving for Australia to recover from her previous job before she hits Italy. The Russian food is our parting dinner for her and it was such a nice choice for a change from all of the Asian cuisine we normally have. I’m so very gracious and felt wonderful meeting all these beautiful and no bull-shit people. I love the fact that even if you lose someone close to you as a friend, life also replaces it with someone more wonderful and better. It just a little bit sad that I come to know them a little bit late.

I always believe that every culture is shaped by what people eat and I always believe that every trend and pop culture is shaped by what drugs people take on that particular era… like for example during the sixties people go for acid so everything becomes psychedelic, In the seventies they have the organic thing and make everyone bloom into flower people and in the eighties they have this happy pills which make people create beautiful music but forgot to comb their hair. And in the nineties they have the recycled drugs which make everyone looks like a goth and massacred everyone… well that’s just my observation and that’s not our topic for today.

Our topic for today is all about Russian dining and food... and As for the culture aside from vodka and anastacia, All i know is that Russians are proud of their country. Patriotic songs and poems extol the virtues of their homeland. This is very evident with their national idol --- “Pushkin”. Pushkin is to Russian literature as Shakespeare is to English literature. Pushkin is considered the "father of Russian literature" because he chose to write his poems and stories in the language of the common people - that is, not surprisingly, Russian.

Russian food is very good and heavy and if you’re on a diet be aware but they have that so called Kremlin diet too. Russian salads are oh so good and divine. I love it!!! I love it!!! I love it!!! But what I love most is the vodka of course you know me. Russians prefer to have vodka with pickled herring, cucumber and red caviar. They also have a shot of vodka before having the red beet soup which makes your relaxes.

Before I teach you to mind your manners in a Russian dinner, here some list of the most basic food you expect to encounter from their menu. Usually as in generality, Russian menu consist of appetizers such as smoked herring or pink salmon together with pickled cucumbers, they also put good salad along with it and the one I love is the red beet salad which I believe is divine (Russians love mayonnaise) Some appetizers need to have a shot of vodka which I love, (I was literally drunk after the dinner). After the appetizer they served the soup (Borsch) which is very heavy and yummy this is followed by the main course which is consist of meat, poultry and fish, they names are hard to say but the one I love most is Lulya kebab it reminds me of Lumpia shanghai without the crust. After the main course the dessert is usually Morozhenoe or Russian ice cream which I love also. After that the one I’ve waited for the vodka drinking. I think Vodka is god I love it with tonic and a slice of lemon.

Oh here are the list of the basic treat in Russian meal.

Borshch, is beet soup, and one of the most famous Russian traditional foods. Full of vegetables and meat, the layered flavors in this soup are especially nice with a dollop of fresh sour cream.

Pirozhki are little pastries full of potatoes, meat, cabbage, or cheese.

Ikra or Caviar is really something to get worked up about in Russia. Briny and sharp, it is often served on dark, crusty bread or with blini.

Blini are also served rolled with a variety of fillings: jam, cheese, onions, or even chocolate syrup. At any restaurant where you aren’t sure of any of the other dishes, blini are always a safe bet.

Shashlyk or Russian kebabs like any kebab, they can be a combination of meat and vegetables.
Pelmeni are pastry dumplings filled typically with meatballs. This one I like sort of a food fusion. I love it.

Slivki or sour cream accompanies almost any Russian traditional food—with crepes, in soups, and even sometimes in dessert. Often, this sour cream is fresh and often melts into any warm dish, adding to its distinctive flavor.

Morozhenoe or Russian ice cream, they love ice cream so much.

And now you know the basic of the Russian treats its time for you to know your table manners. So you won’t end up drunk…. Hahaha, not really it just that I love vodka. Russian table manners are generally casual. So here it is just copy it on your notebook these good if your going for a revolution.

How to mind your table manners in a russian dinner

Russian table manners are Continental -- the fork is held in the left hand and the knife in the right while eating.

The oldest or most honoured guest is served first.

Do not begin eating until the host invites you to start.

Do not rest your elbows on the table, although your hands should be visible at all times.

You will often be urged to take second helpings.

It is polite to use bread to soak up gravy or sauce.

Men pour drinks for women seated next to them.

Leaving a small amount of food on your plate indicates that your hosts have provided ample hospitality.

Do not get up until you are invited to leave the table. At formal dinners, the guest of honor is the first to get up from the table.

There you are my little dummies, you should go out more often and explore some of that interesting alleys where small and wonderful restaurant existed. You’ll never know what you gonna get. Or you might find me slumping in a corner --- drunk.

GOD BLESS BITCHES!!!

HOW TO COMBAT EMOTIONAL VAMPIRES

2009-05-06T03:16:00.000-07:00

I’m tough, I’m ambitious and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, … hmmm… okay…

mama madonna

Well… well… well… there you are my jealous, lonely and envious expectators of mine… I’m just loving Lenka’s “Trouble is a friend”, the lyrics of that song is so very timely for everyone… I guess. It states all about how people get into trouble just by helping other people.

Well the past week is quite mellow and fun for me… We moved to our new office and it took a week to make everything in place. Internet and telephone cables are fixed on the second week so its difficult for me to check everything I had on the net. The new office is quite bigger but still not enough for 90 people. The moving out helps me to sort what I want in this new chapter of my bitchy life. Last month for me is quite fantastic and hilarious it brings out the best and worst in me… hahahaha… and it makes me a little older well in terms of who really are the people that means to me. But thanks to Lóreal eyebug hydrant for men it works for me. After all I’ve been through last month I deserve something expensive something that I didn’t ask from a boyfriend or a friend, something I bought myself with my own money not with the expense of other people. Lovely… lovely… lovely… I don’t need to tell you what I bought… someone might get jealous.

Anyway that is not our topic… Our topic for today little green devels is all about negative people and emotional vampires who would suck you up from your sanity and energy. No am not talking about the vampires in the “Twilight’s” second series “Newmoon”. I am talking about Emotional vampires who draw you in with charm, beauty, talent and pulse pounding excitement. Then they drain you – not of blood but of every last drop of your emotional energy. They are sweet looking, innocent but darkly seductive beings. They are good looking and sexy but unreliable lovers, They use emotions whatever is that to make you pity with them, They could be one of your jealous and competitive friends, they could be your demanding parents, or that coworkers of yours who always complain about his job or bosses with gigantic egos but very small in everywhere else. Or I could be talking with myself hahahaha… no not really. It’s downright scary how quickly they can trick you into letting them come to your life and come back and do it again.

Dealing with Emotional Vampires requires a lot of effort. They may be worth it, they may not. Only you can decide. Sometimes it's better to run away, or not get involved in the first place. But that is not only impossible in most circumstances – it is also very unhealthy. You can not simply run from every situation in life. Life has a funny way of teaching us things, doesn’t it, and if you run away – I assure you these same problems will keep arising until you confront them.

Given you were into a situation where you been wrongly judged. Are you the type of person who would fall apart and fade to darkness or are you the type of person who would stand up and fight back. With anything else in life – you have to learn how to effectively tone out the negative elements and elementals that is there to get you down. If you were familiar with the “Law of attractions” a lot of helpful insights and tips where tackled there, I am lifting some advices from it and others from my own experiences. Okay bring out your notebooks and copy everything from the board, I’m going to have a cigarette break.

How to combat emotional vampires

Do not focus so much on the negativity… By focusing on it so much, all you are doing is creating more negative emotions and situations.

Know them, know their history… The way to anticipate emotional vampires is by knowing how they've acted in the past. Chances are pretty good that they'll do the same thing in the future. The biggest mistake I made before is assuming, without evidence, that though their record has been bad in the past, that they have learned their lesson, and they will never do it again this
time.

Do what they don’t… To prevail over emotional vampires you must go in where they fear to tread. Your greatest strengths lie in doing the things you can do that they can't. For example your job, focus on it. Or your being popular… use it. Or you can try crossing a barb wire… hehehehe.

Choose your words as carefully as you pick broken glasses…with emotional vampires what you say, how you say it, and when you say it are all crucial to the outcomes you are likely to achieve… Of course I’m always misunderstood.

Focus on being positive… For every one negative thing that someone says to you – say something positive to them in return. I have personally done this many times – and trust me they stop after a while. They might think you’re on something – but rest assured they will stop. Misery loves company – and if your not good company – they will find someone else to fuck up with.

Take control … You might not have any control over what your family and friends think or say – but you do have control over how YOU perceive it. Either learn to zone them out or learn to give them the benefit of the doubt. You might have to be really generous at times - and I fully understand that not everyone deserves a benefit of the doubt at all times. But do it for your sake not theirs. Life is way too beautiful – and should be full of love, happiness, and success (whatever that may mean to you).

Don’t try to change others... because quite frankly, you can’t. You don’t have the power to change anyone but yourself. So change the way you feel and react when in the presence of negativity.

Pray (or meditate). Whether you are religious or not – scientific studies have shown that small bursts of mediation throughout the day can help in boosting mood and relaxing you – making you more efficient at handling stress. Pray for yourself and also for your friends and family.

God marlbaro is great… so how are you doing my little devels…

Great!!! now go out and try to be positive… But be careful for the emotional vampires!!!

HOW TO WASH YOUR DIRTY LAUNDRY

2009-03-30T01:38:00.000-07:00

Well… well… well… there you are my happy, guilty, very opinionated and gossipy audience and expectators of mine. I know everyone is expecting me to say something about the weather lately… well its very humid, sweatfullness and uncertain… that is why I opted not to say something about the sun and moon I might get misunderstood again. I think I just have to write it in allegory if you know what I mean.

We are all stars according to Neil Gaiman and Charles Vess from STARDUST. And you know what stars do? They SHINE… yeah they shine most when things are dark and vague… they shed light to things that are confusing and uncertain… they shed light to the real issues and things that make everyone’s world bleak and gloomy… When people starts to be honest with themselves, and stop covering up the issues they made, when people stop blaming other people of their mistakes and be responsible for their actions then the world would be a better place to live in… When people starts to accept that they screw up and take charge of everything then in the end one will SHINE… Life is a constant checking of oneself if we already grow-up… nobody said it was easy but we have that intuition in our hearts if we did something wrong or right… and so far you will know you did something wrong when you feel a bad aftertaste with everything you did… but me I don’t feel any bad aftertaste because I know I did something right… my only mistake is that I’m caught in the spotlight… spotlight that is not meant for me…

After all what’s been said and done the past week, in the end it always comes back to the beginning and the real issues… I don’t want to say anything about these anymore because am just the best supporting actress… let the main characters show their part now… The main characters should be the one on the spotlight more than those whom you thought are just mere extra but in the end they steal the show... But moving on with life... what’s more beautiful now is that everyone learns a lesson or two in their part, and I saw who really are the stars that is worth looking up to…

Anyway our topic for today is how to wash your laundry. (I’m speaking in allegorical mode now) LAUNDRY IS LIKE LIFE, It might be a daunting task and sometimes messy that is why washing machine is invented. Our laundries always consist of clothes we like to wear but don’t want to wear because it’s dirty and smelly already so we dumped it in our laundry bin. Dumped… dumped… dumped… out of sight… out of mind… but it always comes back to us when we need it because its our favorite… we feel bad when our favorite white shirt is stained, we even get to great lengths, mountains and valleys just to get rid of that stain… and when its free of stain it doesn’t feel the same anymore because you know what happened before… and you start to take care that you don’t stain your white shirt anymore… you get it right little dummies… hay… buhay parang labada… Anyway here we go get your pen and paper and copy everything from the board…

How to wash your dirty laundry

This is only for those who wash their clothes in washing machine without dryer.

Check… Check everything that is in your laundry bin. from socks to gowns, to underwear and caps; the reason here is to make you calculate how much of soap powder you need or if the weather is good enough to hang clothes, or which one should be hand- washed.

Separate… Separate all the dark colored from the colored shirts and clothes; The jeans from the slacks and shorts , The smelly white from the heavily soiled white shirts… also separate the domestic fabrics and clothes like the bedsheets and curtains… and lastly separate the ones that are delicate and need to be hand-washed. Undies should be hand-washed and sock should be separated from everything as our feet tend to catch more bacteria than the ones we wear on top. (see I told you laundry is like life… complicated?)

Wash… Wash first the smelly white and follow the instructions from the washing machine or from the packaging of your soap powder. The purpose here is you can still recycle the soapy water for heavy fabrics like jeans and washable bags. After the smelly white take it out and had it drained in the drainer. Add some more water from the previous setting and add a little soap… here you can wash the heavy fabrics or even the curtains then after these cycle had it drained in the drainer. Drain the now dirty water and put another clean water and powder to clean the heavily soiled white, you can add bleach if you want… drain... then do the same procedure for the colored shirts… from these point you can’t recycle the water anymore.

Rinse… after you’re through with the all laundry… then its time to rinse… rinse everything in the order as you wash them and you’ll never go wrong… if you want you can add fabric softener to everything.

Hang… if you don’t have a dryer then hang everything under the sun. Hang the whites under direct sunlight together with the heavy fabrics and hang the colored ones not directly under the sun. The reason for these is that the colored fabrics easily fade under the sun but be sure that it has enough air to let your clothes breathe as fabric tends to smell if not dried well.

Hand-washing… In hand-washing soak all those delicate things in a soapy water before you hand-wash them. But wash it in the manner as you wash normal laundry… separate everything especially that it is delicate… and follow the instructions in the tag labels that is sewn in those things.

Well… well… well… there you go my little dummies… now go around and let those clean clothes be soiled again… Sometimes it is nice to go down from the pedestal and let your feet feel the earth and its wonderful to see the hemline of your gown dirty…

Okay everyone say… SUPERNOVA ….. villa!!!

HOW TO TASTE COFFEE WITH YOUR NEIGHBOR'S DRIVER

2009-03-01T22:17:00.000-08:00

Well… well… well… there you are my little pupils and students. Last Saturday I woke up very early like 6:00 am, I usually wake up at 7:00 or 7:25 am yeah and that’s accurate. I was so very happy to find a bag of Doi tung coffee in my fridge and wondered how I got it, then I remember that’s it’s a gift from my friend who went to Thailand’s highland --- Doi tung last week. So I had it brewed with my expensive coffee maker which I called “Marla”… Nothing… it just that I talk to it whenever I brew my coffee and it always mumbles when the water boils.

I live in a three storey building in San Tour Mok area of Phnom Penh, and I love my neighborhood its very quite. I love the fact that my place is far away from the city’s center it makes me more disciplined, you know… in terms of rampa. The people that lives in that building are very fabulous, in the 3rd floor a gay friend of mine lives --- Mr. Gush, and of course my floor where a diva resides, then the first floor where an Indian doctor whose preference is unclear lives and to top it all on the ground floor it’s a bunk house of mormon missionaries… so just imagine me shaswaying my way in the middle of those mormons with their bikes in the morning… but what makes it interesting is that the Indian doctor’s driver is quite badampamp!!! Oi… oi… oi…

So I took my coffee in the terrace and I almost choke not with the hotness of my coffee but because of the neighbor’s driver is washing the car wearing only a Kroma ( it’s a thin scarf cotton cloth Khmer people used as towel and for everything ) And hmmmm…. His skin is like dark coffee, His abs is like cinnamon roll… his arms and muscle is like the Ethiopian desert dunes, his legs is like two French bread and that thing in the middle of his legs well its looks look like a larger French bread…. Hmmmm… and the water makes him glistens like a toffee éclair…god I’m so soooo lonely… so lonely… out of loneliness I started to sip my coffee and say ahhhhhh… I love coffee and dui tong coffee is very good.

So I veered away from the terrace and started to fumble on my bookshelves and found a book about coffee which I also forgot where I got it. Well anyway… I always wonder why a lot of people goes to coffeeshops especially Starbucks, Does they really know about coffee or Do they really know where it stared or do they really know how to taste coffee…

Well before I begin teaching you we should know the history of coffee. The history of coffee begins with a legend. The legend begins in c850 Ethiopia with a goat herder named Kaldi. The legend says that Kaldi was watching his goats as usual when he noticed they were acting strange, dashing around the fields and seeming “friskier”and they look like on drugs. This behavior went on for some time. Kaldi began to speculate that it might be something they had eaten, so he followed them. Kaldi noticed that the goats had eaten some red berries from a shrub. He ate them himself and was soon frolicking with the goats like on drugs also. After this part of the story, the legend has some variation. Either: Kaldi reported his findings to a local monk who ate the beans, or a monk walked by and saw Kaldi with the goats. The monk then took some of the berries to show to his brothers. They all ate the beans and found divine inspiration in short nagiging bangag sila… And there coffee was born…

But in real history it was the Arabs who really cultivated the coffee which they found in the Ethiopian wilderness and started to grow on their land as the coffee shrub is perfect for the Arabian climate..

While there are several different coffee species, two main species TWO not once are cultivated today. Coffea arabica, known as Arabica coffee and Coffea canephora, known as Robusta coffee, Robusta coffee beans are more robust that is why its called Robusta Coffee then the Arabica plants because it was first cultivated in Arabian hills. Charing… hehehehe…

In the past blog I taught all of you my little dummies the art of wine tasting, coffee-tasting doesn’t much differ with wine tasting. CUPPING is the term called for the art of coffee tasting. ( Not the cupping you little devels know… its not the totoy, dede or the breast cupping we know ) Coffee beans have up to 800 flavor characteristics that our senses can detect. Red wine, by comparison, only has 400. Most coffee connoisseurs prefer mild roasts because the longer a coffee bean is roasted the more characteristics that are burned off.

Okay now here I will tell you…

How to taste coffee ( with your neigbor’s driver if you ever had a neighbor with a driver )

Choose the beans that you want to taste.

Take a quarter ounce of coarse ground roasted coffee.

Heat 5 ounces of water to just below the boiling point.

Pour the water over the coffee in a circular motion.

Dip a spoon into the cup (with your nose close to the cup) so that it breaks the top layer where the grounded coffee floated to the top.

Take approximately half a spoonful of the liquid from the cup.

Quaff it with a loud slurping noise ( Imumog mo ). The noise is made so that you can mix the liquid with the air, spraying it directly over your tongue.

Savor, swish once, and spit the liquid out. By these time your tongue should be able to discriminate among the many subtle flavors of coffee. Different parts of the tongue detect different flavors. The back of the tongue discerns the bitterness. The sides of the tongue discern the staleness. The tip of the tongue discerns specific flavors.

Here are the particular term when tasting a coffee.

Aroma: the smell of the coffee.
Fragrance: the smell of the coffee grinds.
Body: the way the coffee feels in your mouth. This is the feeling of weight and texture.
Rich: the coffee has more than body and aroma. The coffee is buttery and satisfying
Mellow: the coffee has a fully-developed body; not harsh.
Acidity: The verve (for lack of a better word) of the coffee. Arabica beans are famous for having this characteristic.

Note: Acidity is a highly desirable characteristic in coffee. Water that is used in brewing can affect it. If alkaline water is used to brew coffee, it will counter the acidity in the coffee. Purified or filtered water is recommended to get the best and truest taste from coffee.

Okay there you go my little social climbers who frequent Starbucks and doesn’t know anything about what they’re drinking. These is very good for those who would just order one ounce of coffee and have it refill the whole day… Hmppp… tsurang mga bakla …

Heneway thanks to Mr. Graham Bella me Mucho ( he does’nt want to be mention, his dog just died, he’s grieving ) for the very good teaching he taught me. Now I can’t sleep because of tasting coffee… I love robusta better….

HOW TO COOK THE BEST FISH SOUP EVER

2009-02-11T18:45:00.000-08:00

Hi there… my beautiful pupils and expectators… Lately a lot of things are going around in my little world…dramas… dramas… dramas… and more dramas… I mean small little personal problems from people surrounding me, sometimes from my friends, sometimes from the office and sometimes with people on the street… Its really kinda lonely when you are a very good listener, people tend to come to you and pour out their stuffs and problems. Its not that am complaining about that I love to listen but sometimes its just too overwhelming that people don’t notice that I’m busy having a nervous breakdown.

Well… anyway but one good thing that makes me happy today is that I had “Ew” (pronounced Eeeewwww). She used to be the Khmer house-help of a filipino gay where I stayed here in Cambodia almost three years ago. I don’t know what happened to them but nevertheless “Ew” is happy to work with me again in my beautiful apartment. She’ll be helping me every Saturdays and I’m so glad because she’s very good with her ironing. I remember my mother once told me that you will know a person by the way he or she treated their maids be it mentally, emotionally or physically… maybe that’s one reason why she opted to work for me again…

So last Saturday when I came back home from my weekly market at Mother Helen which I bought 2 small salmon, a kilo of pork, half a kilo of beef, a kilo of chicken and some leaves and bulbs… I ask Ew if she can help me prepare the fish for the fish soup… I just felt like having a fish soup… that’s usually a comfort food for me whenever I’m stressed-out…

A lot of people don’t like fish because of its strong smell but remember fish is very healthy and very easy to cook. Some fish are good for grilling, some for frying and fillet, some are good for soups… I usually use saltwater fish especially the belly and head part which is more tasty for soups… but not the small ones. The red grouper ( Lapu-lapu ) is very good with these kind of recipe but because its quite expensive and so difficult to find and avail, I’m using a medium sized salmon instead. The soup am going to teach you today is called Fish Tinola. Its very common in the Visayas in the Philippines where in a lot of fishes are very fresh. The soup is very simple and easy to do. In Luzon they have a chicken version of the soup which they called Tinolang Manok. Anyways so here we go.

How to cook the best fish soup ever…

Clean the fish ( grouper, salmon ) and cut it into two inches thick and skew them with toothpick, this is to prevent the fish from breaking apart as fish meat is easy to crumble. Then sprinkle with salt, cover and set aside.

Boil three regular sized bowl of water in a pot with four tablespoon of rocksalt, when the water boils put in four crushed ripe tomatoes, chopped Chinese leek, along with knotted and pounded lemongrass. Cover again until the skin of the tomatoes are detached from the flesh.

Then put in the fish along with green bell pepper and red bell pepper.

Cover the pot and let it boil for 15 minutes.

Put in the leaves like Sajina ( malunggay ) or you can use baby cabbage if Sajina is not available.

There it is my pupils serve it when its still hot… hmmmmmm…

okay to recapped the ingredients you need…

A fish ( of course ) I recommend “grouper” and salmon
4 fresh ripe tomatoes --- crushed
2 stalks of Chinese leek --- cut in two inches wide
1 stalk of lemongrass including the green part --- white flesh pounded and knotted
1 green bell pepper --- cut into squares
1 red bell pepper --- cut into squares
1 bouquet of sajina or 1 small baby cabbage cut into squares.

Okay have a fishy valentines day!!! mwahhh…

no grammar checking please... I'm trying to be best in english...

HOW TO DECLARE YOUR LOVE OVER A PLATE OF ADOBONG PUSIT

2009-02-09T23:06:00.000-08:00

Now there you are my beautiful expectators, Oh another month is over… God knows how time flies when you’re having fun. Anyway my weekend is very beautiful, I had a very long time with my computer pushing keyboards with my not so new game “Morrowind --- The Elders Scrolls”… I love playing this game.

I am also very happy that my new found love singer won the Grammy for the best new artist, of course “Adele” no doubt about it with her album “19”. I had her album since last December last year, a good friends of mine gave it to me and take note its not pirated they bought it for me from Bangkok airport. I am also happy to the fact that the former Mrs. Cruz wrote me a nose-bleeding, ear splitting but somewhat beautiful letter, telling me how things are with her life. She’s good I guess… she’s been through a lot since that very sad affair with his former gay friend and his former boyfriend. Well I have to tackle that talk in the future.

Anyway… since valentine’s day is fast approaching and love is in the air my great expectators. I know you expect me to write about love… yes L-O-V-E… love… well what can I say about love… I just tell you something funny and sweet that happened to me a long time ago… every valentines day it still makes me smile just thinking about it.

I used to have a great admiration and love for this guy who lived with us in our beautiful apartment in Teachers Village QC a long time ago. He is very sweet and matured and cute and manly and confident and sexy and intelligent and funny sometimes and serious most of the time and he’s well traveled and in love with a prince in Malaysia and I don’t know… why I love him… I love him for the man he wants to be and I love him for the man he almost is… but that was before… now I still remember him but I don’t remember the feeling anymore.

For all the time that he stayed in that sweet apartment he never knew that I’m in love with him secretly… like I do stuff a gay in love with a man, like cooking good food for him, like watching him and sniffed his perfume in the doorway when he goes for work, like smile secretly when he comes back home after a long work, like feeling sad and count the days when he travels for month, like knowing and loving thing he likes, like trying to be the best and good with myself in hope that he might notice me, Like things you do when you’re in love… its achingly painful but sweet… After years of putting that feeling in the remotest corner of my heart… I mean I cannot tell what I felt to my friends because we are in the same circle of friends… so I just waited and come what may until that day when I heard that he’s going to Malaysia to work…

I was so sad and afraid that I might not say what’s inside of me… so one day I decided to tell him in the most awkward way ( of course it’s always awkward to be vulnerable )… One evening a week before he’s going abroad I cook a special dinner for him luckily we were alone at that time… I served him my famous adobong pusit ( squid adobo )… which he like so much too… In the middle of our dinner… I just stop him eating when I told him… I LOVE YOU… and that’s it… my face become red and I waited for what he gonna say back to me… it took him a couple of minutes which felt like forever before he replied to me. I didn’t notice that tears are flowing out of my eyes when he said that he’s going faraway and that he cannot say anything at the moment. But nevertheless I still took it as a NO… or it might be I scared him… I don’t know…

But it’s clear to me that telling people with what you felt for them honestly makes a lot of difference in your life… I was so sad during that time but the moment I open everything out… I felt so exhausted but happy… and happy to the fact that at least I can do something about it now… yeah… that feeling of stepping on land after a long boat trip… that’s exactly how I felt… And with that I will tell you...

how to declare your love over a plate of adobong pusit.

Prepare… prepare yourself emotionally I know its not very easy to say something that’s very important in your life but just think of what might be the outcome of everything.

Be Brave… Be brave with your decision… If it’s a matter of the heart and not the ego there’s no reason why not stand for your decision… yeah decision in telling him or her.

Be Creative… Be creative in term of presenting your heart to him or her. It’s not just a heart but its your heart and that’s what matters most. Me of course I go for the classic situation of dinner ( with my adobong pusit ) … a homemade dinner makes me comfortable and I know he loves dining. Think of situation where you both can be comfortable.

Be pretty… you should be pleasantly pretty when you declare your love, A good comfortable attire will make your sparkle. Its ugly to see you cry with an ugly shirt. And besides looking good makes you feel comfortable.

Open up now… say the word directly without any flowery or curly cues in the end. Just say the magic word… “I LOVE YOU” and don’t put any explanation to that, leave everything to the air.

Accept… whatever his or her response you must respect that. And don’t push, just accept it…Cry your heart out if it’s no good but not in front of him or her. Nevertheless the important thing there is that you put everything at rest.

Yup that’s it kids when you felt like telling someone about your feeling to someone you love, do it now before its too late. The world is getting older and we are not superman so I think is the time for you to declare your love for him or for her…

Mwahh…. There you go little dummies…

Excuse me don’t correct my grammar again…

HAPPY V-DAY!!!

HOW TO COUNTER-ATTACK SECRETLY

2009-01-29T02:13:00.001-08:00

Well… well… well… there you are my vicious, gossipy and envious expectators of mine… Miss Bubbles Cojuangco is in the limelight again in terms of gay gossip these side of Indochina; But nothing really serious… I’ve handled it very well… I’ve learn my lessons very well… as what I’ve said before I’ve had had my share of bad times but mostly good times, or I’m just lucky I guess… and I don’t care.

I don’t need to tell you about this latest buzz of mud slinging and shit throwing, all I know is that am still standing and have a good life, I just paid half of the 2,800 sq. meter seaside hill view state in Southern Leyte. I don’t have time anymore with small little shits, hang-ups, sympathies and overreactions. All I want now is to live in the present as it is precious to me now.

I love myself no matter how many lashes I get from sad, insecure and lonely people who have nothing better to do in life but sit in front of their computers pouring out their pathetic and insignificant rants about their lives in their blogs - within the confines of their rented rat holes… hoping to get sympathy from unguarded people…Such a sad state to be in. The polluted air outside is much more fresh than that stinky hole where cowardness and selfishness resides… have you notice why happy bloggers and informative blogs are much more hit than those who blog about their misfortunes and insecurities… my students don’t like that… don’t we?.... hehehehehe… positive outlook always attract positive inlook.

Mostly I write for fun and nothing else just good fun. I don’t write about other people and demonize them. I write because I feel good with myself, I write because I want to make people happy, I write even if my grammar and spellings are wrong because I love sharing happy thoughts and joy to everyone… and nothing else… I write if I feel like it… Again am not here to pretend that am a writer… unlike someone we know.

Anyway this year ( ox ) is a very good year for creatures born under the sign of rabbits, and am a rabbit… I’m so happy knowing about my future this year, I don’t need to tell you about it as my luck might ran away. I just teach you today on how to counter-attack the people who did bad things to you secretly… I’ve learn this from a very stupid thing that happened to my life a long time ago… I will teach you how to make this people guilty of what they did to you.

Counter-attacking is a defensive gesture when something is literally, emotionally and physically thrown to you. This very good for plastic bitches. And with my tips and advice I’m hoping this will help you in the future… In a sense “lintek lang ang walang ganti”. Remember, Karma is a good thing. Be sure everyone gets his or hers...in this lifetime. You're helping to bring the scales of justice back into balance and restore order to the universe. BWHAHAHAHAHAHA… okay here it goes…

How to counter-attack secretly…

GET MAD!!! AND WALK AWAY… yeah, after you were hurt emotionally by someone or your once close friends. Yes… just walk away… don’t speak… don’t do anything stupid. It’s funny to see those faces fuming with anger and you did nothing but just walk away.

LET HIM OR HER ENJOY THEIR TRIUMP!!! So they felt that they are triumphant? Then let them party… but because you did nothing at all expect them to make the most horrendous, creative and baddest talked about you. I was even amazed by someone that he open my emails and literally printed all my rants and lovemails and let everyone read just to prove himself that am a demon personified … and that’s not all he even wrote to my boyfriend and friends in the Philippines. Hahahahaha… laughing is good you know…. Hahahahahaha…

FOCUS AND RELAX!!! Watch your enemy from afar, just watch and observe how they move around the battleground. Know what are his or her weaknesses and their strong moves.

VANISH AND GATHER INFORMATION ( OPTIONAL unless you’re really into it )… Go back to the basic, ask the people from his or her past if ever you have access. But be careful this might backlash to you if you are not clear with your past too. Gather all the information and choose the ones that are really bad… you’ll be surprised when you know about people’s past. Make that information as your ammunition in the future in case if its necessary. The punishment should always fit the crime. In other words, don't go nuclear over something trivial.

COUNTER-ATTACK NOW… Now you’re ready for a counter-attack. Always aim your revenge where it hurts the most. Go right for the jugular. Do exactly what they did to you… I mean exactly… If they ask sympathy from people to the point of demonizing you, Do that and they would feel exactly what you feel before… after all revenge is sweet.

DON’T BREAK THE LAW… just give them what they ask for… and cover your ass and be sure to cover your track as well.

MOVE ON… Once everything is consummated, move on, its over. And if he or she retaliates again… just do the first step and don’t bother to do anything anymore… let the law of Karma interfere at these point… and from that point watch as things fall into places.

That’s it my students and spectators… Enjoy…

say this to yourselves…

BECAUSE I CAN!!!

MWAHHH!!!!! don't correct my grammar... and spellings...

BACK FROM REHAB

2009-01-19T19:56:00.000-08:00

"The thing about happiness is that it doesn't help you to grow; only unhappiness does that. So I'm grateful that my bed of roses was made up equally of blossoms and thorns…

From my great-auntie Miss Lana Turner

Well… well… well… how are you my beautiful expectators, pupils and students. Now that the holidays are over and so out to the past na… AM BACK… FROM REHAB…

I know everyone missed me… I miss you too… My apologies for going away without telling you all my beautiful pupils… and that would never happen again, I promised... hihihihi…

I end the year far away from the chaotic but happy world of partyness and celebrations of the past month. I had a party last December 20 and I never thought that it would be so big. It was supposed to be a small gathering in the rooftop of my beautiful villa but it turns out so very big. I invited like 20 people but the guest just keep on coming that my rooftop tried to accommodate almost to a hundred party animals, 102 people to be exact. I’m so happy I felt all the love in the world… but feeling is relative, that night was very good and happy, but still I felt alone like whitney in the bodyguard…

Then come December 25 and I judged the Mr. Blue Chilli event. The full account is in the Queer Cambodia blogspot. Then after that I came to see my doctor about my nervous breakdown and my gaut. The doctor adviced me to rest and while away for a while.

Then came New Years Eve… and the weather is cold which make my depression so unbearable that I finished four bottles of chardonnay alone on the terrace with “Adele” singing “chasing pavements… ( Should I give up or should I just keep on chasing pavements even if it leads nowhere… hmmmm… hmmm… ) I decided to stay at home on New years eve… sort of respect and tribute to my long dead beautiful sister which by the way is the same age of me when she died… Strangely, it rained hard during that night, a very long, hard and refreshing rain… it started at seven o’clock in the evening and finished around three A.M. ( secretly I smile… rain in new years eve is a sign of abundance and goodluck, which i’m looking forward to… )

The first week of January for me is very uncertain, sort of lost in space... I just stayed at home most of the time and veered away from my friends, Bars and restaurant owners called to me asking where the hell am i… Amigas and friends wondered why I didn’t go to the ribbon cutting ceremony at Toul Kork Highschool… In short I just wanna be alone…

Then come the second week… I went to Siem Reap to take a break… I been to Angkor Wat a couple of times but these trip is different, I came to see The Magestic Angkor Wat during the night… its very fantastic, beautiful and expensive… yes expensive its like entrance to the light show for Angkor Wat is 120 dollars and the dinner is like 30 dollars.
I’m estatic despite the fact that I spent 150 dollars in an hour… Anyway that trip to Siem Reap make me bounce back to my feet again… and these time I’m kicking hot and damn fat…

I don’t know why I always dreaded the holidays, it gives me cramps and headache… It must be because during holiday season everyone are with they’re families and love-ones,
Or it must be because of that traumatic break-up with my former bestfriend, Or it must be the fact that my sister died on New Years Eve… Or it must be because of that loneliness of waiting for someone… That someone who promised to be with you no matter what…

In the end I’m allergic with Christmas and New year celebration… Its traumatic…

But honestly I missed my life as Miss Bubbles Cojuangco… she always had fun...

But now am back… yes am back…

HOW TO GIVE ALMS AND GIFTS

2008-12-16T20:02:00.000-08:00

Well… well… well… am back on my feet literally my dear expectators and audiences, after that harrowing “gout” episode of mine last 10 days ago. Because I was away for a while emails, invitations and comments piles-up and a lot of you my expectators beg me to write about gift giving. I cannot do that because my laptop is not yet delivered to me. I don’t know what happened…

To begin with we should know first how was gift-giving first developed. Gift-giving comes from the greek tradition called Xenia. Xenia is the concept of hospitality, or generosity courtesy shown to those who are far from home. It is often translated as "guest-friendship" (or "ritualized friendship") because the rituals of hospitality created and expressed a reciprocal relationship between guest and host. So these include giving the host a preserve meat or anything that might be useful for both parties. The custom of gift then went on to the Roman festival of the Kalends and took place on the first of January during the Winter Solstice. The Roman Emperor received gifts from his administration, as required. Then In the modern times the gift giving tradition was started by St. Nicholas giving gifts to orphan and poor children which was carried on now every Christmas as tradition.

Well… so much about history…. As I ponder over some unopened gifts given to me since last year and over the years, It makes me wonder why people give gifts and alms to each other for no reason at all. Maybe its just Christmas; or maybe it’s a form of atonement to oneself, Or a form of empowering oneself to overpower the lesser creature in front of you, Or it might be a form of insecurity where one pleases people with things and gifts, Or it might be you giving gifts to gain “utang na loob”, or again it might be a form of control --- like “I’ve got you because I give you shelter, alms and gifts…I remember a very remote, lonely x-friend of mine who would shower one’s friends with everything, alms and gifts but when disagreement and crisis came he would lash everything back to you and ask to return all the gifts he gives to you…

And as for alms I remember one time that changes my outlook in giving gifts and alms; I was on a taxi way back seven years ago in EDSA near the GMA station corner the now closed Chicos bar. The taxi is immobile as the red light is on, with burger in hand, I look up at the big billboards but as I was about to bite my first munch, a very dirty and poor little street boy is tapping on the glass window signaling me to give him something and out of kindness I open the window and give him the burger that am going to eat but to my surprise he throw it back to me… he wants money!!! And I was so pissed off that since then I never give alms to street children anymore.

Heniway… for whatever reason sincere and true “Gift Giving” in any form is an act of pure kindness and generosity, an act of pure abandon and unconditional expression of oneself to others but that depends on your status in life. If you’re rich you’re the one giving alms and gifts but if you’re poor you beg or by service hehehehe… well that’s the reality of it all. It’s always up to you if you want to beg and service everyone forever or stand up and become the gift giver instead.

So here we go…

How to give alms and gifts

List… In doing your list during a Christmas gift giving, Think of things that people need not about fancy things on your list. Gone are the days when you give anything for souvenirs, people now wants what they need. The idea behind this is that your friends and family are less likely to give you gifts that lie idle and unused through the year. Instead they offer you gifts that you really need and that you know you will use. This saves you money because you do not have to buy those things yourself and it makes the giver feel good because they know their gift has been worthwhile. Akalain mo nagkaroon ka nang perculator kahit di mo alam gamitin.

Ask… the best thing to make you save time and effort is to ask the person what they really want, I know it lessens the surprise element of gift giving… but it gives you time to think and save if ever you really give into what they want and can choose something similar to what they want if ever its expensive. Tsaka wala namang masama pag magtanong.

Recycle… it’s a nice thought recycling gifts for practicality’s sake but choose the one that can really be a gift and give it to someone who really needs it. Hey not that plastic bottles you’re holding… hmmmp…

Wrap… as oppose to the saying that it’s the inside of the gift box that is important more than the wrappings…. No… no… no… that’s a big wrong notion. There’s more to wrapper than just a wrapper. With creativity and proper choice of colors and theme it will give you as the giver an impression of who you really are. Makabalot lang kayo nang wrapper na merong xmas design check na… no sa akin yan di ko tatanggapin. And to the extreme try using designers paper bag and stuff your gift in there even if its preserve meat.

Give… a little luxury item, it need not be expensive, in your gift giving. This should be aimed at those ’special’ people in your life … you know who they are. Give these people a little luxury item that serves to express your thoughts or feelings about them and how much you value their being in your life.; even if it means a week of noodles and eggs in your stomach.

As for alms giving don’t ever give it to them directly or if you give, refrain from giving money to them as much as possible, food and drinks are good and clothing too. That’s it for gift giving… honestly I don’t really fond of giving gifts but I love receiving gifts. I love giving to donations to the charities and orphanage.

That’s all expectators… I still need to drink my drugs…. Mwahhh!!!

HOW TO AVOID A SOCIAL DISEASE LIKE GOUT!!!

2008-12-15T02:49:00.000-08:00

Sorry my dear beautiful expectators of mine… Your highness was sick for a week… I’m sick with these social disease called “GOUT” and its very daut!!! I mean can you imagine me wearing my manolo high heel shoe, because its only on my left foot and its aching so badly that I was absent with all the functions and events that’s been line up for me for the month of December which includes a very important interior design pitch for our new office. Its good thing that the landlord and my humble manang was there for me all the time.

Gout is a very painful experience, one can call all the saints and devels when it attacks you. Its very strange for as young and as beautiful as I am is afflicted with terrible, horrible and not so sosyal illness. I called it social disease because it involves more on your lifestyle. One can get Gout by too much eating legumes and innards like liver and anything which is high in uric acid. Drinking alcohol, red wine ( which I just fall in love lately, so no more wine tasting muna pero pwede ang Gin, kaya naman pala nung gin pa lang ang tinutunga ko ala akong ganitong sakit… iba talaga pag hindi sanay ang stomach sa mga sosyal na food and drink na mga iyan)… and partying too much without exercise can cause gaut, which by the way is often inherited.

Gout attacks are caused by deposits of crystallized uric acid in the joint. Uric acid is present in the blood and eliminated in the urine, but in people who have gout, uric acid accumulates and crystallizes in the joints. Uric acid is the result of the breakdown of purines, ( hindi sya cat food ha!!! ) chemicals that are found naturally in our bodies and in food. At cooler temperatures, uric acid turns into crystals at eto yung makirot para bang may mga needles and iyong mga joint but for some reason I like it siguro masokista ako. Since the toe is the part of the body that is furthest from the heart, ( of course it is ) it’s also the coolest part of the body—and, thus, the most likely target of gout. However, gout can affect any joint in the body. “huh’ ako ba eto at diretso ang English ko.

Gout is derived from the latin word “gutta”, meaning “a drop” (of liquid)… in short rayuma if you are poor, but because I’m sosyal I called gouty arthritis of the big toe. Bwahahahaha… gouty arthritis daw… ang hirap nga e-spelling pero madaling bigkasin.

Well… well… well… heniway… our topic for today is

How to avoid social disease like GOUT!!!

Try… ( try lang naman )… try to limit your intakes of food that are high in purines like meat, poultry, fish, tufo, legumes, kidneys, liver, brain, sardines, anchovies, clams, shrimps, crabs, lobster, scallop, oyster, asparagus, spinach, ampalaya, string beans, cauliflower, mushroom, fruit preserves, jam, jellies, syrup, candies, cookies, ice cream, cakes, vitamin c, tea, and aspirin… pati kanin… in short wag ka nang kumain… punyeta di ba!!! Ako pa… ako pa… god buti na lang sa list nang mga alcohol hindi bawal ang gin.. pero beer at red wine di pwede mataas ang purine nyang mga yan.

Eat… eat these social stomach fillers… tart cherries ( its expensive you know so I like it ), berries, celery, cheese yeah cheese, banana, carbonated beverages and gin, they don’t mention coffee so coffee I guess?

Take… take vitamin B5 instead of vitamin C as it increases the production of uric acid.

Drink… drink a lot of liquids specially water para di ka matoyuan… nang ulo or whatever… but that’s really to dilute the acid and will keep you pee all the time.

Put… put on socks or any warm protection to your feet during cold season.

Exercise… of course what else, that’s true when you get older… I love sychronise swimming as an exercise… I used to be synchronised you know.

Well that’s it, however there is really no cure for Gout but it has remedies when having an attack. Take this pills I like it, makes me bangag and high… prednisone, cortisone and ponstan… they are all steriodal… but what else I can do… masakit sya…

Well… well… well that’s it for today… mwah…

Again reminder don’t correct my grammar and spelling!!!

HOW TO TASTE WINE

2008-12-05T01:10:00.000-08:00

Well… well… well… there you are my shy and lovely expectators and audiences. Today is a lovely day for me; I don’t know I just felt happy today. Maybe because its December, and a lot of parties are coming maybe that’s it; and small things and problems have been resolve lately and it feels nice.

Lately I been hanging around with Mr. Gush who’s been a resident here in Cambodia for eight years now, He’s an Austrian and a chef, he already wrote two popular cookbooks. He loves wine so much and I love him for that, I don’t really know much about wine not until I met him.

Wine for me during my transformative years as a social climber are for classy people only, besides being costly it don’t make me drunk easily. My alcohol dosage when I’m just a poor little provincial girl is consist of cheap gin ( gin bulag ) concocted with different kinds of nectar and juices and named it with the most fabulous name ever there on earth like “Green eyed monsters or “gin pomelo”. “Tuba” in the visayas of course is my favorite mixed with coca-cola and San Miguel beer that’s all I know.

However, listening to professional wine tasters, it is easy to get an impression that wine is all about feeling, intuition and literally spirit. Wine tasting or wine drinking is not at all about getting drunk, it’s about refinement and appreciation of your life and culture in general. Wines are always present in every formal or informal ritual to the western culture, like tea to the Asians and “Sake” for the Japanese. Bouquet, clarity, earthy, crisp, open, and nostalgic could be difficult for many to understand even to me who is very understanding. By the way oenology is the science of winemaking, para sa vocabulary nyo yan… okay…

Serving wine requires some education and experience. Some wines are best served at room temperature (red generally), while some should be served chilled (white generally). But that’s the general rule in western culture, but in tropical, or asia and hot country people tend to chill everything be it red or white. So don’t be surprise when people in asia ask for ice with they’re red wine.

There are several main varieties of wine, which are named after the type of grape they are made from. Some of the most popular are: Merlot, Pinot Noir, Riesling, Sauvignon Blanc, Syrah (Shiraz in Australia),Chardonnay, Zinfandel, Pinot Grigio,Gewürztraminer. ( punyeta hanggang ngayon di ko pa rin ma-pronounce nang tama yang german word na yaan ) Bordeaux is actually a combination of Merlot and Sauvingnon Blanc. But don’t ask me how to pair it with foods… all I know is how to drink it.

So here we go our topic for today is…

How to taste wine

Pour the wine into an ordinary wine glass no more than half full and swirl it a bit to generate additional 'winey' vapor. As much as possible don’t ever use metal glasses not unless its glazed like the cup that the priest uses. Avoid heavy glasses so the wine can easily be seen.

Then examine to determine if it is clear, hazy or opaque. Clear is when you don’t see any sediment ( sediment di mo alam eto yung parang latak na namomoo sa tasa nang kape mo pag ubos na in wine meron nyan ) So its hazy if it looks like thick but a little bit clear. Opaque kung para na syang kape ka dark.

Smell the wine briefly and pay close attention by closing the eyes. This may seem pretentious but will help you to focus on one or two sense taste and smell over sight. I love it when I do that, it makes me feel like very social… you know and very pretentious.

Attempt to identify the odor. Determine if the odor is fruity like grapes or apples or oranges… attempt lang wala namang masama… basta try to identify what you feel and smell what’s it like, intuition is very important here.

Now take a small sip and run it around the tongue to get many different taste buds involved. Yeah literally imomog mo!!! Different areas of the tongue are more attuned to sweet detection, other more salty or bitter. These is what I love about tasting wine it makes you more aware that there are other taste bud in our tongue more than the sweet bud we know. That is why marami ayaw nang ampalaya kasi hindi nasanay ang mga bitter taste bud mo sa pait.

Set the wine aside or finish it and let it linger with your taste bud… drink another kind of wine after the next day and try to differentiate what you feel from the previous one and the one you’re drinking now. If you paid attention with the first things above you can differentiate it. Its like memory but through the senses.

In all cases, subtlety is the key. Good wines don't have a strong scent.

Swirl the wine gently, sniff and taste”

That’s it… that’s the general rule to be a wine taster. Before long anyone can be swirling around a glass of wine and tossing around 'delicate', 'floral', and 'woody' like an expert…. For me I always call them SUPEE!!! For super!!!

Thanks to Mr. Gush for giving some insights about wine tasting, Am not a pro but I enjoyed the fun of tasting wine it makes me drunk and I love the way red wine stain my already red lips…
MWAHHH!!!

AND THE SECOND WINNER TAKES IT ALL...

2008-12-02T20:56:00.000-08:00

Well… well… well… there you are my beautiful but lonely expectators… Today I will spare you with my teachings and words of wisdom to make way for a very special announcement…

I AM A WINNER!!! YES I AM!!!!

And the losers standing small!!!

And the winner always takes it all!!!

I don’t care what you think!!! Good things come to those who wait.

I forgot to tell all of you my lovely expectators that Our Advertising agency “Bassac Orchid” ( now RiverOrchids group ) won an award last month at the INTERNATIONAL DAVEY CREATIVE AWARDS which presented each year to the best advertising design, writing, and production in both print and electronic media. The award is not based on the budget of the commercial work, but on the idea and its execution. Over 2,000 entries from the United States and the world were judged by the International Academy of Visual Arts, a literal "Who's Who" of advertising, branding and marketing professionals.

We’ve done it the 5th time; last 3 years ago we won a gold for print ad for equal sweeteners, Then the next year we won gold again for unilever’s pond’s radio commercial and 2 silver for print ads…

And this year our creative group won Silver for our production of “Inspiration Cambodia” a TV Commercial we made for our client ANZ Royal bank. Everyone in our company is very proud of it, and I am so much more prouder because I made the storyboard and visuals for it; I made almost 25 storyboards before we finally agreed for “Inspiration Cambodia” to do the production.

That was a long journey for me coming up second place to one of most prestigious international award giving body for advertising… I started as an Art director for Bassac orchid, now I’m a Visualizer holding most of the account for TVC. Im the queen in that department and am still am.

and what’s makes me more prouder is that it’s the first award for TVC for the whole of Cambodia’s advertising world and my first award too, I never win an award before and that is why it feels strange but beautiful. I shiver with the idea that we made it amongst the 2,000 participants in the whole wide world… sigh… A lot of sweat and sweat are involve in the making of “Inspiration Cambodia”.

Nothing more I can say… I’m so proud… and thank you… huhuhuhu… thank you… My big thanks to Miss Anne Marie Andrada for the beautiful script, To Marie Anne Abrera our producer and Mr. Paul Regan as the free spirit mentor of mine… I love you all…

MWAHHHH!!!!

Here’s the link by the way

Davey’s website : http://www.daveyawards.com/winners/list/entries/?l=B&event=&category=&award=3&form=2

TVC Inspiration Cambodia link : https://rcpt.yousendit.com/628731209/204b1dc885f10bc46784957f8e851164

as for the TVC inspiration cambodia link you have to download it if you want to see the TVC.

AGAIN thank you my great expectators!!! MWAHHHH!!!

HOW NOT TO OUT A CLOSETED GAY FRIEND

2008-11-30T22:53:00.000-08:00

Well, well, well, hello again my dear lonely but beautiful expectators of mine… I don’t need to apologize to you this time for leaving you almost a week… I have my reasons and I don’t want to tell you…

Anyway the past days as I gathered and collected experiences to be chronicled in this very popular blog of mine, I come to a very interesting observation to people and friends alike surrounding my beautiful, well landscaped and manicured life of mine. I’ve noticed this during parties and dinners that I’ve attended last week.

I am guilty as judged by the jury when I see myself to someone who in some way Is very much like me. I used to despise homophobes and I hate them, these must be because I used to fight for Gay rights in my own little way like doing campaign materials for Task Force Pride in the Philippines. I used to say blatant words against homophobes which I believe is a defense mechanism of what they are, I used to looked at things one side and never bothered to look what’s the other side of this poor little creatures. I never bothered to know how insecure and afraid they are of themselves to the point of putting these frustrations to other very secured and out homosexuals. And I’m so guilty of being so judgemental about it, But now I think I grow up a little bit in terms of my outlook to life. I’ve learned to understand a lot of things about this people, from where they come from, how they grow up, they’re beliefs, cultures and traditions which affect they’re outlook in life and as an individual itself. Sigh … in fact I hope I can help them…

What I noticed contrary to general beliefs that heterosexuals specially men don’t like a lot of gay men, but honestly with my experience with hete men--- I never had bad experience with them in fact they love you more if your honest and just be yourself, All of my friends during college are straight and goodlooking, except the two of them are out now. The more secure a man about his sexuality the more he is accepting to others, I have a very good straight friend, He used to live with me in my beautiful villa and we found a very wonderful friendship out of pure, fair, platonic, love and respect to each other. Until now he is one of the many beautiful straight friends I had.

Anyway what I noticed is that when homosexuals socialize with their homosexual, bisexual, transgendered friends, and most of all the closeted queens and princesses. One can feel the tension and one feels as if there are certain and precise rules to follow. Rules to dominate, rules to put things in the open, rules to show –off, rules to be in and involve, a lot of rules to the point that it becomes an arena of divas aiming for the ultimate goal of being the supreme or high priestesses of Divasism. Hay… ang mga Vaklah… talaga… vinavaklah ang lahat.

Its very lonely to see a very Out gay, making a closeted queen to come out from that musky little closet. It’s annoying, and embarrassing to see a very dominant faggot trying to taunt closeted princesses in they’re own little world. Its heart-wrenching to see these little princesses, wriggle, squiggle and cringe from the claws of the older Out faggots trying to put them out in the open. It’s like looking at helpless birds in a cage.

And am so guilty because I used to be one; and I don’t see the point why I have to continue doing that. Life for me now is about sharing love, respect and sensitivity towards others, I don’t want to be self-rigtheous, but the world is changing, the market is melting down along with the ice sheets in the artic pole and antartica; Now maybe is the time to look at myself of what I am… would I melt with the ice or stand up and plant a tree… whichever, life is getting shorter now.

Anyway, While there are a few social faux pas to avoid out of common courtesy, specially with our little world… homosexuals… really it's not so difficult to have a great time for all without stepping on any toes.

And with these our topic for today is…

How not to out a closeted gay friend

Erase… erase from your vocabulary the phrase “that’s so gay”. Whatever we approve or disapprove we always use that phrase, unknowingly insulting our shy and closeted friends. It makes them more afraid and uneasy specially when in a big group or in a dinner with friends.

Introduce… Introduce your gay friends by they’re name, not by label. Your gay friends are not some bunch of elements from the periodical table to be labeled. And again it makes our closeted babies afraid that they might be judge. Unlike me I liked to be judged in a beauty contest. Say “hoy friend ko si ramon,bading sya” or si john yung friend ko na tagong bading… say that many times and looked at yourself… you don’t deserve to be a social climber.

Avoid… in a dinner conversation or whatever function you’re into or with friends, Try not to tackle issues about sexuality not unless its relevant and you’re comfortable with your intimate friends. Just because we are gay, we should tackle everything in gay, nevertheless we already are gays and there’s no need to shout it out!!! Bakla ka na respetuhin mo naman self mo… hmmmp….

Know… “In knowing, comes wisdom”… Get to know your closeted friends beyond their fear and sexuality. Learn about their interests; share common hobbies and interests. Who knows maybe gradually he or she will open-up to you… like he might be asking you how to wash a bra… hehehehe…

Respect… that’s the most humblest and over-used word that we don’t practice. Just let them be, it’s they’re life and they have the right the way they want to live it. It’s our differences that makes us unique creatures; It’s our differences that make us human. But me I’m a claypot… tse!!! Double tse!!!

Treat… Treat your closeted gay friends exactly the same as you'd treat your other friends; and exactly you want to be treated by your friends. Remember carmi martin ( karma ) is just around the corner.

There you are my dear lonely but beautiful expectators of mine…

till then and be fabulous, gay and …. Whatever….

never ever correct my grammar and spelling
Mwahh…

HOW TO SHOP BUT NOT TO DROP

2008-11-20T02:32:00.000-08:00

Well… well… well… there you are my lovely and beautiful expectators…

A beautiful kumare of mine Fuchsiaboy… “from fuchsia life of Fuchsiaboy”… Who is my most favorite fashion designer in our time… He is one responsible for my styling, grooming and pruning… he’s very expensive… you know… you have to save a lot of money to afford him… ( chingki lang mabait sya ) He ask me do some writings about something he loves so much… so here it goes…

My pension is coming by the 25th of every month ( my salary ) and I have already plans of what to do for it… of course… SHOPPING!!! Gush… what makes every social climber crumble is not to have money for shopping… SHOPPING… SHOPPING… SHOPPING!!!

Fasting is a very common word to us social climbers… ( Fasting hindi mo alam… yan yung di ka kumakain kasi sabi nang church ) … I can live with noodles, eggs, eggs, eggs and more eggs everyday just to have that new model of cellphone from sony-ericcson. I can even sell bar-b-que and lemonade ( samalamig ) just to buy the latest shoes from whatever new trends out there… I even sang on the streets of quiapo wearing thick sunglasses… ( chingki lang ) I even sold water in the train station of Bicol ( biro din lang ) hahahaha… Or sometimes sell myself to old lonely Japanese men like… hehehe… I don’t need to mention his name… all just for shopping.

…Well but that was before when am still studying Social Climbing 101… but now I’ve already learn how to control and discipline myself. And I learn my lessons well… E ikaw ba naman dumaan sa kahindik-hindik at kalunos-lunos na kahirapan matototo ka talaga. And I told myself never again will I make dildil with asin… gusto ko rin naman makatikim nang bacon noh!!! Chura… ayoko ko na nang maging mahirap… tinaga ko yan sa kawayang bakod nang aming kapitbahay noon… Noong palaging pansit pa ang pasalubong nang mudra sa amin nung akoý isang bebot pa lamang… sigh… memories is like a rain… you know… it falls when you’re wearing white pants…

So in these edition of my famous blog. I will teach you how to shop… but not to drop.

How to shop but not to drop

List what you want… or think of what you really need, For me I usually check what’s new from my friend and if I know they have it… I will buy more than they have… my friend once bought a satellite disk… I buy too and make it double. But that was before, now what I do is do some window shopping first before I buy anything… then when the money comes I will buy it… and be sure that’s all you need and don’t forget to wear thick sunglasses when you plan to go the shopping mall… para yan di mo makikita ang ibang mga magagandang bagay.

Ask people where to buy… Here in Cambodia, since they don’t have a lot of shopping malls I usually ask people where to buy these and that, and for more effect go alone don’t tag anyone they just end up messing with your decisions… Chura pag magdala ka nang kasama mapapabili ka nang marami at parang maraming kang konsensya na umaaligid sa iyo... ayoko nang ganun.

Think of your budget… Kung bente lang dala mo at ang bagay na bibilhin mo ay bente singko umuwi ka na lang at mag – fried rice… sasaya pa ang buhay mo.

Think about quality over quantity… Me before, I usually buy a lot of cheap appliances but after three or four months they’re broken… That is why I buy more quality appliances now. But these is only exclusive to gadgets, appliances and technologies with clothes you can always opt for more cheaper things… nasa pagdadala lang yan… pag mukha ka talagang tukmol at gusgusin kahit e-christian dior ka pa or e-gucci ka pa mukha ka paring tukmol… hmmp… kaya bili ka lang nang naayun sa iyong kagandahan… Leveling ang tawag dyan.

Compare… Yes… these one usually applies to groceries and house needs… like kung panghugas lang naman nang plato gumamit ka na lang nang cheaper na dishwashing liquid katulad nung ke kuya germs na minomodel, Gayahin mo ang rules ni Lumen… si lumen na maaibilidad kung kumare… at ang kanyang oak-oak na nanay… Compare mo rin minsan ang laki nang talong sa ibang talong sa grocery sasaya ka kasi kahit papano nakamura ka nang isang piso lamang.

Stop… yes… just stop and go away when you see a big SALE sign… and run away as fast as you can … kasi ako minsan hindi ako nagstop ayun broke ako for one month at balik na naman ako sa pa-itlog-itlog… Kakahiya… sheet ganda nang shades ko pero noodles lang pala laman nang tiyan ko…

well... its always feels good to shop... but responsibly again....

So there you are my students and pupils… prepare for another exam next week . I’ll be on break for 3 and a half days… I need to be somewhere near the water and white sands…

Anyway… have a beautiful and sunshineful of life you my beloved expectators… mwahhh...

HOW TO CHAT WITH FAMOUS PERSONALITIES

2008-11-19T00:47:00.000-08:00

Well… well… well… as promised my dear students am putting on more yaw-yaw lately because as you can see a lot of things had passed on me since that two weeks that am gone and shied away from the paparazzi… and now am back…

Well a lot of detractors of mine stabbed my back and its bleeding literally Ive got 12 stitches, maybe because they are afraid that I might stay on the top of the chart forever… but I don’t mine as long as I didn’t do bad things to them… don’t hate me because I have the fighting spirit… I might be stricta but am a very wonderful, nice, good but a strange little creature… My former other husband ( I don’t mention his name) called me an abomination… and I answered him… Excuse me darling am not a yeti… ( snowman )

I laughed when someone thought that am a real personality and I said am just a pigment of my imagination… hahahahaha… color violet… so funny… And someone also ask me if my pictures are photoshopped… and I said NO!!!! its not… hahahaha… its photoshop… god I should not be drinking too much coke in the morning it makes me more Jon-jon, you know… makes me more bangag and crazier.

Well our topic for today is about chatting to a famous personality as you can see I forgot to tell all of you that I had a wonderful night with Miss Judy Ann Santos… as you can see I’m always been a great admirer of Juday next to Sharon… I grew up watching their wonderful and gay-changing movies…

Juday is a very sweet, down to earth creature like me, and she’s very human too and wonderful… She looks the same from the Movie… Juday is beautiful inside out… Trust me… One can tell if he or she is good a person… Judy ann is a good person and I like her… God am still blushing when I see her in her room in Intercontinental Hotel. It was raining when I got to the hotel and am soaking wet ( pack sheet ) when I get to her room with my other friends who were there already. We had a little pajama party during that night last month and I just got my photo with her last two days ago… that is why I write about this just today… and to the request of my other wonderful friends that I should upload the picture when she’s back in the Philippines already… I respect her privacy…

God am still starstrucked… That is why our topic for today is…

How to chat with famous personality

Be yourself… I know its awkward when you meet the person you always admired and seen on screen… and it becomes more awkward when they feel awkward also to you. And to avoid that just be yourself and relax… start a conversation like asking about the movies or whatever they do… pwera lang ang tsismis… they don’t like that… They live their whole life with gossip so spare them that…

Don’t ask personal question… I know one is very curious about the life of a star. But that’s not enough reason to ask them about they’re personal life. Tsaka teka lang di pa kayo close no para magtanong nang ganoon… chura… bumili na lang kayo nang dayamons sa ako…

Never ever please them… Like in the movie “stardust” by niel gaiman and charles vess… Stars are human too, they don’t need to be pleased ( but not all, me I need to be pleased ), I believe that some of them just want to live a normal and private lives. But these does’nt mean that you have to be overly natural and brash with them… still you need to have that grace and respect for them as what a true social climbers do. Tsaka di pa nga kayo close noh!!!

Be hilarious and witty… nothing beats a funny and witty characters, Breaking the ice takes guts and good timing to make these people notice and somehow in a bit like you. Think of a topic, something that he or she might be interested… for me we talked about independent films and her independent movie “Ploning” whom she produced and work with his childhood friend… the talk is quite hilarious and funny.

Behave but enjoy… say honestly what you feel for him or her… Like admiring her eyes… or whatever… just as long na hindi ka mag-mukhang fans… You be hilarious and witty at the same but not so loud… Ako sumigaw ako nung Makita sya…. Hahahahaha… lumalabas talaga ang pagiging taga-leyte ko… sorry di ko matiis eh…

Well that’s all for now my audience and expectators… I hope you have learned a lot of lessons from these koro-koro….

My gratitude to Miss Santos for letting me in, in the hotel… and to the guards of intercon who let me get in the elevator despite the paparrazzi… to the busboy who usher me that long hallway… and to janitor who lead me to the Comfort room… I thank you… thank you…

HOW TO WARD OFF NEGATIVE SPIRITS IN YOUR HOUSE

2008-11-18T02:27:00.000-08:00

Well… well… well… because your beloved bubbles was gone for a while… I decided to be diligent in putting more blogs to this week edition of “Miss Bubbles Cojuanco’s Practical guide to social climbing 101; not one but twice or three times a week I will entertain you my beloved audience and expectators. As you can see starting November until the end of late January I am always busy with lots of events, functions and charities to attend, not to mention the guest appearances on TVs and Cameo roles in movies. Sigh… its really lonely up here.

Last 2 weeks ago before the week of water festival. I organized a big party for my new friend Gustave whom specially requested me to have my famous Squid Adobo… But because I’m always over-reacting so I made different kind of adobo instead… from pork, chicken to kangkong… but of course my Lumpia also was there… And I cook special chicken in a clay pot --- a local way of cooking whole chicken ( which my former husband teach me ).

The party was very beautiful I have lots of guests and appearances from my beloved fans and expectators. Friends and enemies come together in a one big happy affair, from north to south from end to end and everyone had a good time. The party lasted until 4 o’çlock in the morning of November 7, 2008… But I cannot show the photos for reasons that some of my big guests don’t want to be put in blog… and I so respect they’re privates that is why I opted not show the photos.

Of course you would be asking why the title; and what’s the big clamor on Negative spirits… well to begin with, my house has a ghost… yes a ghost… literally a young lady I guess… I never meet her but I felt her presence and I see her sometimes in my dreams, Two or some of my friends also felt her presence… She is not violent but she’s the jealous type. If someone she like or don’t like at my place she makes them feel her… But so far-away I never felt violated by my house spirit and so far away too I guess she’s the reason why am lucky… I felt so lucky in my apartment which I lived for 2 and half years now… but am not talking about her…

Am talking about negative elements, thoughts, people and feeling that surrounds you, be it outside with your friends, At work with your bosses or at home with the wind and empty hallways. As you can see I’ve been stressed out and exhausted with these Negative things that’s been thrown at me to the point of abusing my sunny, positive and bubbling desposition ( tama ba ang spelling ko ) and its not helping me. Its like a stubborn stain suddenly pops-up in my white lingerie ( hindi sya tagos by the way ) basta yan ang drama ko last two weeks ago, but now I’ve already conquered it and come up with these practical tips that might help you too my diligent pupils… so our topic for today is…

How to ward off negative spirits in your house

Open the windows… Opening windows and doors make the house vigorated and breathe. Logically aerodynamics helps wards off bad odors, old feelings and old air which I believe is a manifestation of negative energies that accumulated through time. It also freshens’ your space and makes you breathe new air. Changing fresh curtains will help too. In relationships it’s the possibilities of letting go of old loads and welcoming new fresh hopes from other positive energies.

Clean dusty corners… I believe dusty corners are meant for dark deeds. So before these dark deeds piles up, wipe it clean. Logically dark, dusty and moist areas are breeding grounds for dangerous bacterias and germs according to my conscience. In relationships
Its like cleaning old bad habits which die hard, As what they say, “there’s no other way to get rid of a mess but by cleaning it.”

Discard old stuffs… Discarding old stuff means unloading your accumulated small things which don’t really have a purpose in your life… and beside its nice looking at stuff that are nicely arranged and clean. In relationships its about letting go of things that you thought you dearly loved… but once its gone it feels better and more light… I believe in the saying… “Out of sight, Out of mind “… that’s very true to me.

Put on plants and leaves… Leaves and green things makes a house lovely, fresh and put more oxygen in your carbonated life… It also provides home to some small positive spirits… But in relationships its about rooting your ground to what you believe and renewing or updating of what you’re going to believe… because leaves are green and has chlorophyll which I believe is the essence and color of hope… yes chlorophyll…

Make a small ritual… Put on some ritual for cleansing and say a little prayer. For me I use “ensenso” and go around the house while mumbling some positive thoughts, I also boil lemons and let the steam evaporate throughout the whole house ( it smell nice ). You can use anything that involves fire and smoke... ( wag lang chongki dude!!! ) be it candles to insence stick, others offer food, salt and rice grains. In relationships putting on a ritual is about acceptance for letting go of the negative energies that make your life a little bit miserable and hope for better and positive things to come.

Throw a party… Yes!!! just throw a party and be fabulous. In relationships its about the Wisdom, happiness and growth that you experience in dealing with things which we thought at first as small negative energies and accumulated into a big Negative energy.

As what my mother Mia Farrow said… “With Knowledge comes responsibility”…

Well… well… well… there you are my pupils… I hope these insights will make you study more for the final exam by december...

HOW TO JUDGE A WATER FESTIVAL QUEEN

2008-11-17T02:18:00.000-08:00

God!!! my apologees my beloved audience and expectators… I know… I know… I know its been a week am gone and not seen by lots of paparazzis and such…

Well… well… well… as you can see the whole of Cambodia is celebrating the annual water festival… The people of my kingdom celebrates the turning of tide of the four face river where it exactly match the full moon of November, these phenomenon only uniquely happens in these side of indochina. As usual they celebrate it with dragonboat race and lots of fireworks, drinking for three days, and for the first time they have a float parade which I find not so interesting but with lot of rooms for improvements but in over all total effect the finished product of the event is quite beautiful and lovely. But nevertheless I’m too busy having a nervous breakdown that’s why I just have myself a vodka tonic in the rooftop of my secret….

But what’s more beautiful is that I’m a judge for the Annual Miss Water Festival in Phnom Penh. God you miss half of your life because you’re not in the scene during that night when all the most scariest and beautiful creatures of the night haunts the street of Phnom Penh.

Late afternoon of November 13, 2008, I went to Blue Chilli where the prestigious and most glamorous event of the year happened. I braved the traffic and the sea of people that scattered all over Phnom penh but eventually arrive in blue chilli with minor scratches inspite with the presence of my bodyguards. Anyway I arrived in the venue only to see a half finished stage and workers blowing balloons and the event would be starting in three hours. Miss Universe was there and Miss world also, so what I did is direct everyone and start to blow balloons too… Miss Universe got the saw and cut some of the nakausling mga kawayan… and Miss World starts to make connection with wire and bulbs, speakers and everything then bwala we have lights and sound system too. Anyway the stage looks great its more like of a town stage now unlike before we make magic to it; It looks like a barangay stage.

Then we change costume and mock-up…God!!! I love it… I love it… I love it!!! My vintage cocktail dress is very beautiful and my hair… yes my hair its fabiolous I look like Amy Austria in “Bubbles.”

So the event started at exactly 10:00 pm with 12 contestants from all over Phnom penh.
And my ordeal began… and with that our topic for today is…

How to judge a Water Festival Queen

Buy or Donate the Trophy… To be a judged ask the organizer if they have a trophy or sash, or flower already and if they don’t have offer yourself… and with that surely you will be the head judge… and boss around bwahahahaha… Sorry to the Host of the night… bwahahaha…

Put on the right outfit… Of course as a judge you should look like rich and very accomplished matriarch with fake diamonds and everything, My theme during that night is 60’s bitches so I garb on these very montage ensemble from toul tom pong market; The purpose of these is to make you look more authorative and respectful… hahahaha… respect daw?

Put on the right Hairdo and accessories… These will make you more respectful and classy… hahahahaha… respect daw?

Prepare a good question… Its very important to have your question in line with the theme or everything, its weird to have a question like out of the line question. But then again that’s with how you ask the question again by making it funny or more enteristing.

Bring a Calculator… as for me who is so very bobo and slow in mathematics, I bring calculator not only for judging but also for calculating the utang of your kumares who are visible during that event.

Be gracious… Say thank you to everyone and surely you’ll end up more than the winner of the pageant…

So well... well... well... there you are my audience and expectators, I need to make go to the grocery pa, am preparing something for someone that don’t exist… my imaginary boyfriend…

MWAHHHH!!!!!

ay check nyo pala ang full coverage nang event na eto... sosyalan etoh... at queer cambodia.

HOW TO BE MISS TABLE MANNERS 2008

2008-11-05T22:45:00.000-08:00

Well… well… well… good days my audience and spectators… and congratulations to the new president of America… and to his wife that we all admired dearly… I have to be friend with her one of these days.

Anyway, I have to tell you this, I finally met my social neighbor Ms. Gush whom I never talked for almost one year and a half. And surprisingly he is the most gracious and well-mannered sosyal neighbor of mine… Our meeting I felt was meant to be and it was so very funny and cute how we had the chance to finally talked to each other… and oh god I felt so silly you know how we really want to be friends or much as good neighbor. And she loves Christmas so much… that were planning to join our Christmas party by December.

I know her the moment I saw her moving to the upper villa that sits on top of my villa. And I’m so very depressed when she got it because Mr. Trey my landlord promised me to have that villa… but anyway its such a long story if I have to tell you everything… We just have to talk about how we finally met each other.

Of course knowing me and knowing you… I was on Blue Chilli when I sat next to her which I did’nt realize that it was her. But out of graciousness even if I felt shy and awkward I make bati to her… and I said HI… for the first time… and after that its like were catching on --- on whatever we missed after that one and half year of silence and snobbings. And It was really wonderful when the ice is broken… it becomes warm but not too cosy enough… I love the situation so much that in fact the next day we both cook soup and invite each other… yeah I know its very cute… by the way he’s also a chef… surprisingly…

And with that we shared and talked a lot of stuff. we felt we are like schoolgirls on a pajama party, we even talked about wines and table manners…

And with that our topic for today is…

How to be Miss Table Manners 2008

Dining or eating is a ritual, it is an everyday ritual that needs to be exercised with grace and style. As you can see… “You are how you eat”… intiendes… as oppose to “You are what you eat” but anyway one can tell what person is by the way he eats…

Use the napkin… it’s placed there to be used … Ilagay eto sa iyong harapan… put it in your lap… These putting of napkin on your lap is a signal to the waiters that your seat is occupied giving them accurate count of meals to be served. Wag na wag mong gamiting pampunas nang mukha… and never ever put dirty silverware on the tablecloth.

Pass items around the table… Wag na wag ipasa sa harapan. Like for example when one ask you about the fishsauce; pass it to the one sitting next to you… everything that one ask from you should not be passed across the table, it should be passed around the table… For reasons that I don’t know… ewan ko ba?

Eat on the left; drink on the right… God know how basic and logical is these. Glasses should be on your right and every other stuff should be on the left… Pero I know mahirap eto para sa mga kalawite… but of course wala akong pakialam. The rule is never ever use your finger in anything these is really very true when you are in very formal dinner.

Use each fork beginning from the outside… I know in social gathering there are lots of forks on the table… when you see a lot of those stuff always begin from the outside fork then to the inside. Just follow the course set to you and you’ll never get wrong. Pero sa atin deadma kasi di naman uso ang maraming kubyertos but anyway for your education etoh…

Start eating when everyone is served… Of course everyone knows about these already… liban na lang kung patay gutom ka…

Never ever talk when your mouth is full… for reasons na alam mo na… pag-masarap no talk… hehehehe… let your tongue do the talking.

Never ever put food items outside your plate… put everything on your plate according to the course that’s been served to you. If you want to put butter on your bread do it on your plate, in the olden times you’re not even allowed to touch it, you use your knife and fork for it. In oriental dining a smaller bowl is set for rice so use the smaller bowl for your rice.

When finished leave the silverware in 4óclock position… With the handles of the silverware pointing to 4óclock position these indicate that you are already finished. So don’t be surprised when the waiter get your plate… me kilala akong nagugulat na lang bakit nawala ang plate nya... of course if you're not finished yet dont do the 4oclock position.

So when you are in invited to a very formal dinner at least you know what to do... these is proven and tested guidelines for centuries already... hahahahahhaha...

Okay there you are my students and pupils… Finish or not finish pass your paper!!!

and who told you to mind my grammars... nek... nek... nyo!!!

HOW NOT TO BE A CHARLATAN

2008-11-03T17:48:00.000-08:00

Well… well… well… there you are my students and pupils section seven… Today I feel like am teaching… Even if I’m like these I also know how to read books and or pretend to read books. But mostly when I was very young I love reading komiks and magazine… from “liwayway”, “funny komiks” to “wakasan” or even “shocker“, Unlike my friends who read archie or betty and veronica. I just can’t afford it and I don’t have time comprehending the lifestyle of America during that time; all I want is just plain Filipino pop literature… huh!!! Can’t believe am that nationalistic.

Yeah, I know you would ask me what is “charlatan”. Me, of course I don’t know I just happen to come across this word in the book am reading now “Embers”by Sandor Marai, which I bought from a second hand bookstores. I did’nt finished reading the book yet but I’m on the part where the general is going to meet his closest friend whom he never seen for forty-one years. But anyway am not a reviewer of anything, am just a social climber.

Okay let’s go back to the word “CHARLATAN” pronounced as “Shaaar – loh – ton” okay repeat after me “Shaaar – loh – ton” yeah that’s right… big check for everyone… As you can see… I browse lately on my old Merriam dictionary the word “charlatan”… and ganito yun…

Charlatan – A charlatan is a person who makes elaborate, fraudulent, and often voluble claims to skill or knowledge; a quack or fraud; One making usually showy pretenses to knowledge or ability.

Unlike the pretenders who are a singing group that make good music…hehehehe… joke lang follow naman kayo… No the pretenders are the one who really pretends that he do this or he do that just to be in, and they really make you believe… for example… “Oh I’ve been shuttling to the United States every now and then to visit my mom”… even if its not true and they often deny about it when they are found out that its not true because they don’t know what’s real and true to them anymore… anyway were not talking about pretenders here… so we go back to the bat cave and start talking about charlatans… Charlatans are closer to the pretenders but usually in the knowledge and IQ side of pretending.

So our topic for today is …

How not to be a Charlatan

Never ever copy… Copying a statement and making it your statement is a big crime for social climbers, social climbers are spontaneous ( huh! Tama ako sa spelling ). Beautiful people like me make statements that are honestly derive from their own experiences may it be funny or not… honest mistake and statements always comes from an honest reaction to a certain situation… huh!!! Taray straight ang English ko.

Never ever claim… When you hear something funny or a cute situations you heard from a friend or even read about. Don’t go around claiming that it happened to you. I know a lot of these. Like for example… I call all white people as “Americano” because when I was young and living in the countryside that’s what we call them, then when am in the city and started to be a city girl people find it funny when I say it, until one day someone also copy that..

Never ever pretend… pretending is a big no no to social climbers, they want the real thing, charlatans just copy the social climbers… social climbers are not freeloaders they also have money, it’s the social status that they’re vying for. Social climbers are not pretenders, pretenders is much worse than a social climbers… like for example when someone ask you, where you graduated?… tell them the truth… Just because you studied in a not so very popular school you have to cover it up with your beautiful highschool diploma… which by the way is not beautiful… hmmmp… tsura mo…

Don’t be shy about your past… Its your past that makes you who you are today… Am not shy about how I made my way up here… am a graduate social climber you know… I made my fucking ass… up here… huh!!! ( its not me its my conscience )

Opppsss sorry I get carried away… well as for now I’m quite tired for bubbling like a blue marlin tuna…

Well… well… well… there you go my spectators and audience…

Our next topic is about table manners… until then… mwahhhhh!!!

Prepare for a quiz!!!

HOW TO BE A GOOD EX-WIFE

2008-11-02T18:50:00.000-08:00

Well, well, well… my apologies and sorries for keeping you waiting for so long… I mean its been like a week that I never entertain you my beloved expectators and audiences…

As you can see, I’ve been very busy again for these past few days, I’ve been into a lot of things you just don’t want to know. I mean last week I supposedly have a benefit show for the freedom of animals that’s been keep in the cages for people to eat; But that did’nt push through because my ex-husband has his new house blessed last Friday night… and he begged me to be on the dinner and party… yes begged me… that’s the beauty of a good housewife… ex-husband can’t just ditch you…

Its been a while that I never talked to my ex-husband since the divorce six month ago. He’s very busy with his new house and I’m very busy with my social climbing affairs. Mr. K and me lived together for only six months because I’m very complicated but good, errisistable and loving , huh!!! ( I know I’m still capable of loving I’m not a mineral formation ) But nevertheless I was there when he shop for furniture and appliances all for him.

So last Friday late afternoon I gathered my friends in a tuk-tuk ( equivalent to trycicle in the Philippines ) because as you can see I don’t have my husband to drive me around but nevertheless he picked up me and everyone in his black new lexus. Wearing only chanel perfume I went to the party of course with my entourage.

The party is huge its like 30 big round tables and the guest are like so very so… so… anyway lets not talk about it. The menu is good and delicious. For two and half years now that I’m living here in Cambodia I learn to love the Khmer food.

During the course of the dinner I watched Mr. K from afar and smiled to myself. Mr. K is a very simple, caring , rich man but we just cannot be together for reasons that he’s too very simple for me… though he’s rich… and with that I felt suddenly so felt depressed and ask myself why there are things that just doesn’t work out even if it look and feels like its meant to be…

That is why our topic for today is…

How to be a good ex-wife….

Complete yourself alone… being sure of who or what you are is a very big factor in every relationship. It’s a rock n roll cliché for god sake watch jerry mcguire. Being complete is like full bodied milk but be careful with the melamine.

Open your cellphone… Communication in these new generation is very easy, though its sometimes very difficult to talk to x- cessess but at least the means to communicate is there already, we don’t live like “the notebook” that it takes generations to wait for a single letter. Communication is not that easy when you are not complete so refer again to the above.

Be supportive… even if he is not that supportive, its what we called civilities and graceciousness… again the old cliché if you’re thrown with a stone, throw back a bigger stone… hehehehe... of course love is not an issue here anymore its always been there. For me in support with Mr. K I helped him chose the color of the paint of the house, in chosing good furnitures, I even get to the point of loving his new neighbors as a gracious ex-wife.

Be a friend… I know… I know… its difficult to be-friend with x-cess but then again in the end of the day it does’nt really matter what happened as long as its clear to you about everything and your relationship with him. Even if you kick him out. And also keep something that’s good for blackmail… hehehehe… but I don’t do that…

Well… well… well… there you go my expectators and audience. Till tomorrow and beyond… Ms. Cojuanco is a friend even to a fault… HUH!!!!

Hey don’t correct my grammar and spelling… have a nice day beautiful people….

HOW TO FALL FROM GRACE GRACEFULLY

2008-10-27T23:51:00.000-07:00

Well… well… well… there you are my friends… I know… I know… I know… you miss me…

Since last Saturday I am so very busy with my charity and social causes. I’ve been planting lotuses in the banks of Mekong river in an attempt to make the banks more colorful with pink and white lotuses… as you can see it’s always been a dream of mine to make the world more beautiful because of these lotuses; and other than that I also have a pa-liga with the motudup and tuktuk drivers, and I have to fix the hole in the roof of my maid chamber’s room. Gush… what a hedtic days… makes my head ache… sigh…

And of course because of that I treat myself to an expensive restaurant here in Phnom Penh… I have a dinner with me, myself and my conscience at “Pacharan” tapas and bodega; Pacharan caters to people like me and you, the menus were all authentic Spanish mi amore na pagkain and it’s very delisyoso… Since I’ve been divorced from my x-husband Kuky… I’m doing like these, just dine out alone but extravagantly.

My dinner is composed of House vodka tonic, one jug of sangria, another House vodka tonic, Clams marinera soup, 2 grilled chorizo, another House vodka tonic, 2 gambas al pil-pil, Baguette Aioli, Coke, another House vodka tonic, Montfleur water and Bibingka… ( huh!!! )

Well as you can see I’m quite tipsy after that wonderful dinner so I decided to have a cigarette at the terrace of Pacharan that overlooks the Tonle Sap river… On my way to the veranda, I noticed an older guy that looks like Diego Bunuel, ( “Don’t tell my mother that I’m in” National Geographic host ) Grouping my way to the portico I noticed his staring at me lustfully like as if I’m a gazelle being stalked by a lion, exactly a lion because he has a thick but well manicured beard and he’s cute despite his age.

Lighting my cigarette and exhaling the bad smoke to the very clean air of the riverside I smoke. With my third puff, I noticed that Diego stands up and also lit his cigarette at the other corner of the terrace opposite of me, like 2.13 meters away from me... And of course I suddenly felt like pa-cute and beautiful. I fret and turn and sway and smoke and anything that I thought might caught his attention then suddenly he straighten up and exhale his smoke and come… come… come… closer to me. I turn my back a little bit just enough to have a glimpse of him in the corner of my eyes… but he stop like 1.23 meter from me… and continue to smoke… Gush I felt a hot flush and I’m quite excited too… then suddenly he’s like coming again closer to me so these time I turn to face him smiling then he come to me and make a sign if he can make tak-tak his cigarette in my ashtray…

And with that I felt suddenly depressed, unloved, alone and unnoticed despite my status… I just stared at him and smiled as he went his way to the mainhall leaving me with bruised heart and red blushing high cheekbones.

Sigh… and because of these our topic for today is…

How to fall from grace gracefully…

Be open-minded… that not everything is perfect and that everything sometimes fall apart. Ang kabayo nga nadadapa ikaw pa kaya!!! ( horses falls and so are you… )

Group yourself… these is the part where you have to ask yourself why did you fall, but that’s not enough reason to blame yourself… you stupid.

Acceptance… amend yourself that next time one should be wise with every decision we chose and responsible for every actions we make though we know that sometimes there are really things that happens for no reason at all… like destiny?

Stand –up… there’s no point in staying down there and wallow with it, raise and stand –up proudly, at pagpapagin mo ang mga putik na nakakapit sa iyo.

And smile… nothing more, nothing else… smile is… yeah just smile….

And with grace I hope you follow those steps…

Well… well… well… there you go my friends and worshippers… until next time…

These is Miss Bubbles Cojuanco… telling you to stay healthy and beautiful like me…

HOW TO SING THE ALPHABETH AND MAKE YOURSELF BETTER!!!

2008-10-24T04:43:00.000-07:00

Well… well… well… today my beautiful body is too busy… I just came back from the charity auction at christie near monivong, not christie in hongkong. A lot of work and pretending to do… as you all know there are lots of new faces in my kingdom now and I felt so threatened. Last week Miss R. Liboon has a new oven and I’m so damn freaking out when I know that all the people are going to his parties lately, and came Miss Fay who looks like singaporean, she had a new cellphone that looks mine, Gush I need to have those things…

Sometimes thats the difficult thing as a social climber its difficult to catch up with my social friends… sigh me and my beautiful, lonely skin… sigh…

Today is Friday and I’m going to attend a Gala… well… well… well… and to keep my stress away and be beautiful before the party, I teach you how to mantra and sing… these is a very kept secret of mine… these very ancient learning and song that keeps me beautiful forever and assures me that I’m beautiful… that i'm going to share with you for free and with that our topic for today is....

how to sing the alphabeth and make yourself better!!!

A --- im adorable

B --- I’m so bayotiful

C --- I look like Carmi Martin

D --- I’m a darling

And E --- I’m so exciting

And F --- I’m so fucking damn beautiful

G --- I’m a goddess

H --- I’m so heavenly

I --- I’m infectious

J --- I’m Jasmine for Aladdin

K --- I’m so kissable

L --- is the lust in your eyes

M, N, O, P, I could go on all way

Q, R, S, T, alphabetically speaking, I’m very Okay

U --- means I’m uber beautiful

V --- means I’m very sweet

W, X, Y, Z It's fun to wander through the alphabet with me, to tell you that i am me.

Well... well... well... there you go my friends... have a nice weekend... until then... when the sun and moon collides and the rainbow will make a perfect bow...

teka lang tigilan nyo ko sa mga spelling comments dyan.

HOW TO FLIRT AN OLDER GUY WHO OWNS A HELICOPTER

2008-10-22T03:23:00.000-07:00

Well… well… well… gush me… am so full… so full of me…

last night Steve calls me for no reason at all… I met steve with the other two witches from eastwick, the other night when we paint Phnom Penh violet. I met him in Blue Chilli accidentally…
Yes accidentally… ( I don’t care what you think )

Cavorting and whoring by the red sofa with our new friend peejay. I stood up and went out to light my cigarette, puffing the beautiful smoke out of my seemingly beautiful lungs, I hear someone called my name… and when the smoke goes down I turn my back and saw an older being but quite adorable big creature named steve… I said oh Hi… who are you? And after that everything changes I feel like am on a scene in “Nights at Rodante".

Steve is a chef, he cooks well of course… and he owns a helicopter. He’s an Australian and am a Filipina what more I can say I guess its destiny… He reminds me of my other destiny Cirilo a French lightning director of course from france. ( but that’s another story I have to tell you before the year ends… promise )

Anyways… The night was still young and I’m so young and beautiful; Steve stayed with me until 3:00 am just talking about past lives and lost love… (sigh… lost love). He’ll be leaving by the end of these month I guess, but promised to be back for a couple months… he’s planning to have a restaurant here in Phnom Penh. Well goodluck to me for the promise…

And with these our topic for today is…

How to flirt an older guy who owns a helicopter

Act beyond your age… no one likes to talk to a child when you’re on a bar. You might end up behind bars.

Take notice of his interest… Nothing is more impressive than someone who is genuinely interested in learning about your passions. it's romance at its heart. So you must be bright, not necessarily intelligent but witty and sassy… like me… but for me I always notice the watch his wearing or shoes… Even the smell… hmmm… I smell money…

Be honest with him… not just with him but with anyone “honesty is always the best language.”
Tell him how you feel ‘bout the global financial meltdown or the climate change, he might support your call.

Bring out your sense of humor... Make him laugh! nothing puts you right into the center of attention like a genuinely funny joke. Remember Mother Barang in the “the funny girl “.

Ask him questions... Boost his ego, give him the attention he wants… but not all the way, try to be somewhat restraint like the bait when you taunt a fish to bite.

Flirt with him... He may like you a lot, but the age difference may make him afraid to approach you. If he knows you are interested, it breaks the ice. But then again not all the way, try to be somewhat restraint. imagine yourself as a piece of meat being taunting a lion.

Am sure if you follow these you will end up in a yatch or helicopter… sigh helicopter ( I know what you’re thinking )

Grrrrrr… meow… you’re beautiful… Enjoy!!!

( EXCUSE ME DON'T ASK ME ABOUT THE GRAMMAR )

HOW TO HOLD A MARTINI GLASS

2008-10-20T23:47:00.000-07:00

Well… well… well… what a wonderful night I have last night, I had a very social guest and friend visiting me all the way from the kingdom of Siem Reap. As you know I’m based now here in the beautiful kingdom of Phnom Penh in wonderful Cambodia. He visited me for the mere fact that my new blog is super --- mega--- chartbuster --- over the top hit… of course he’s also on his way for the fashion week in the Philippines.

Anyways… despite the fact that paparazzi’s are scrambling to have a photo of me I went to the grocery with my thick Armani sunglasses to ward off the flashing bulbs… ( Gush its really difficult going around with my status ) At the grocery I quickly paid all my stuff in the counter as an old but rich looking man ask for my autograph, and with that I went home to cook a very special dinner with fuchsiaboy… but because he is a vegan, I cooked for him my very special “Escabechar calamar de pemiente negra” or adobong pusit, “pescado cocer al vapor” or steamed fish and “prêt de legumbre” or stir-fried legumes.

The dinner was very beautiful as we gobbled and attacked the food down with “ Yumberry juice” yeah… yumberry juice! ( all social gay knows about it and if you don’t know about it you’re not sosyal ) but of course down with the main course, we talked about health and charities. Fuschiaboy is way down slimmer and more beautiful than ever before, I think his the most fabulous gay I’ve ever known after me… as for my charity program for the motodup driver ( equivalent to trycicle driver in the Philippines ) well… it goes well and those poor little fellows can’t have enough of me… sigh… we ended the dinner with a bouquetlicious wine…

Costume change and were off to “Blue Chilli” a very sosyal gay place if youré in Phnom Penh.
Its very important to be seen… in Blue chilli I’m the queen… everyone from the bartender to the motodups and tuktuk drivers down to the callboys they know me as the “Queen” because the owner is my bestfriend. “Oak” she’s also a queen from another kingdom.

With three martini’s for three beautiful and look rich ladies, they sat in the red sofa with pouted lips and heady eyes. Then the other friend Deborah Rose ask me as she looks at me holding my martini glass…. Hey, miss bubbles can you teach me how to hold a martini glass…

And with that the topic for today is

How to hold a martini glass like a pro…

Bear in mind that martinis are meant to be drink cold. Everything is designed to keep it that way, from chilling the shaker, the liquor and the glass to the shape of the glass itself.

Our beautiful hands generate heat so keep those hand away from the glass.

Holding the glass constantly will warm the drink making it maligamgam, so to avoid that hold the drink by its stem at the very bottom of the bowl with your pinky upwards. ( Yeah like that what you’re doing now )

Enjoy.

By the way in the party as a social creature try to be gracious and prim, don’t gobble those canapés… Hmmpp… chura mo!!!

TO COMMENT OR NOT TO COMMENT

2008-10-19T21:17:00.000-07:00

Well… well… well… who’s there…

Again I’m so very proud and excited about the fabioulous ( don’t ask me the spelling again ) remarks and rave reviews of my just opened blog… (hmmm… don’t make fuss about my grammar. I’m beautiful… ) A lot of my social friends of mine commented that my blog is beautiful, insiteful, daring and out of these world. Some say two-thumbs up… other’s raise their eyebrows and others just drop their plates and glasses when they saw my blogspot…( Hay its really lonely when your on top… that’s why I love being bottom much more closer to the earth…) And some of them give advices about blogging as you know I’m just quite new and very virginal in these so cold sphere in our lives…

So our topic for today is about blogging.

HOW TO BLOG!!!

THINK… think of what your blog is about. May it be about fashion like my friend fuschiaboy… think about love… just like my other friend I don’t need to mention him… Think abot anything else as long it makes you happy… think about yourself… blogging is about yourself and your selfish self… as for me because I’m a social climber, I write about social life, the difficulties and struggle of a social climber and most of all about social climbing.

MAKE IT SHORT… Blah… blah… blah… a very social friend of mine said my blog is quite beautiful but long… whatever… I tried to make it short.

FABIOLOUS… as in… make your blog interesting, beautiful and wonderful like me… thank you.

PICTURES… if your blog is very visual you need to have a lot of eye-candy and eye-catching visuals too to make it shine above the rest. Like my picture above isn’t it fabiolous… ( again don’t ask me about the spelling)

NAME DROPPINGS… well because my blog is about social and sociality itself I need to name drop even if they don’t know me… well… huh!!!

SOCIALIZE… well these is the most interesting part… I noticed that the more you comment to other bloggers even if your just a chu-chu… you become popular… but I don’t need that… am already popular and I don’t need to knock on other bloggers just to be knock… yah know… anyway… they socialize with me. And they always come for me…

Well… well… well… there you go my friends… until next time… enjoy blogging…

sigh me and my lonely, beautiful skin.

THE OTHER BOLEYN GIRL

2008-10-17T03:45:00.000-07:00

WELL… WELL… WELL… ITS TIME…

Today I wake up needing to make a blog… this is too much you know… as a social climber I need to have a blog, all my social friends had a blog… that is why I had to blog.

I really don’t know what to say… ang hirap mag – ingles… at ang hirap mag compose nang grammar… 85 lang ang percentage ko nang speech and grammar sa English… but I will try… as in try… to the bones… but I will not pretend to write unlike someone I know who is very pathetically trying hard… ( huh!!! it’s not him if you know what I mean ).

PARTY!!!

Yeah, birthdays and parties… if you are a social climber you should know better than looking at the dates and numbers in the Mayan calendar which we all know is going to end by 2012… God knows!!! You should look at the calendar for events and parties you need to make, attend or need to socialize. But for me, for some reason I always make a party even without a reason.

Here are the tips for having a glamorous and very social casual party for a social climber…

1. Plan ahead… this is very important because you’ll never know who would come to your party. It might be your long time crush or Delfin na taga kabilang barrio much worse yung kumare mo na matagal mo nang di binayaran nang utang… Well anyway… for me in planning ahead… I started collecting used bottles of Evian “sosyal water” from my boss, whenever we had a big meeting I always ask the maid to keep all the empty bottles. ( I’m working in Advertising agency you know ) anyway when I collected enough of the social water bottle. I clean them up very carefully keeping in mind not to erase the labels and fill them up with just plain mineral water and put in the fridge. BWALA… you have now a very social drinking water for your party… well of course you can also have options, para dun sa mga walang access na tinatawag nating sosyal na tubig… ( wala naman talagang pinag-iba sa ordinaryong tubig ). Ganito yun… bumili na lang kayo nang mineral water at individually put ribbons before you tuck it in the fridge. Take note you also help the environment.

The menu… well, well, the menu… well of course the menu… that depends actually on your budget. But because I am a social climber but also cook good food. I do it creatively. First on the list is salad…. Of course social friends don’t eat a lot, so a salad is very good opening meal for everyone… you can actually make some from simple arragula to pechay ( pwera na lang alugbati ) or whatever eatable leaves ( its important to have Olive oil from italy all the time )… then Soup, but I don’t really recommend soup as it tends to be messy pag-kinulang ka nang bowl, I only have soup if my party is really formal and limited engagement only, but of course dahil social climber aketch I recommend the ready mix soup just add egg, social herbs and leaves and create an out of these world name for it. Example: Baja chupe de pollo poblano ( very sosyal ) in short tinolang manok… Then comes the main course… well here you can choose from seafood to meat or whatever… and still name everything in a very grand name. Then comes the fillers… for me its “lumpiang gulay” or “spring roll in the spring”. As for the drinks I recommend fruit punch as its cheap and have the same result of feeling drunk. My choice is the old schooler’s favorite “Gin Pomelo”.

2. The guest… ask a few friends who’s free and can help you with the preparations and it is also nice to have someone to boss around the kitchen but be careful baka mapagkamalan ka nang mayordoma. As for the guest list be careful for whom you invite and whether these people will get along with each other. But for me, I don’t care as long as they are rich and beautiful… and its also nice to have some tension in the scene… you know…

3. The dining wares… decide if you go for plastic or ceramic… but I recommend the real thing as it is environmentally healthy to the environment. Its always been handy to have chopsticks or extra glass and plates just incase some of your PG friends come.

4. In or Out… decide where to throw your party is it best inside the bedroom, the living room, on the veranda or in the garden?… Garden is nice for grilling and things… whatever for me anywhere is okay… as long as the embience is nice.( don’t ask me bout the spelling )

5. Mood and music… Well of course, these is the part where you brag about your second hand stereo with your second hand ipod and lot of pirated cds… and don’t forget about the Christmas lights and scented candles… Ask your guest what music they want to hear and keep your best dance music too… but as for me … videoke is the winner, if you don’t have magic sing borrow it a week ago from your friend.

6. The host… The most important thing is how you will make your friends feel in your home. You are the most important person on this party as the host or hostess. It's up to you to make this party nice and pleasant or just ok. You may decide in advance what conversation to start with your friends to warm up the atmosphere and make everybody feel comfortable. But most of all be sure to look nice, fresh and beautiful… so I recommend to put on your best smell be it “angel’s breath” or “forest interlude”… as for me I use dolce and gabbana…

Oh… before I forget be sure no neighbors would be bother with your social climbing party as you might get a “baine marie” knife in your throat the moment you step out of your house the next day… I recommend to invite them or just give them tira-tira after the party.

Well… well… well… there you are my dear friends… until next time for more topics and social climbing tips… Enjoy your party…